I was about...

This is a Painting by me!! :)

I was about bitching. I was depressed... Am a bit sort of of depressed, but not needing to bitch!! Been talking on messenger all night long, been watching some videos to laugh and sharing them with my friend Xana. Been listening to Amália Rodrigues, my favourite singer, chosing some oif the most depressive songs, but it's a good pain!! I need this!! I need her voice, as my comfortable spot. i need to cry, when I feel in the mood to!! And Amália can be such a great help!! Just dropped two gross tears!! Just felt a chill within my bones, while i heard her singing in the excerpt of a movie!!

More and more minutes, listening to Amáklia, to her wonderful voice, to her incredible presence in live shows or in TV. And when i say i am writing, it doesn't matters if i am bitching (I was seeing I wasn't doing it so!! xD) on my blogs or if I am taking care of my poetry or anything else i am doing, including painting, people should suppose that i want peace, but noooo!!! That old man tha added me on facebook who I chatted a bit there, then added him to my MSN kept annoying me, asking me to talk with him, asking me to cheer up!! NO!!! I DON'T FUCKIN' WANNA CHEER UP!! NO, I DON'T WANT FEEL BETTER, WHILE I DON'T CRY ALL MY TEARS OUT, EVEN IF THAT INCLUDES CRY MY EYE GLOBES OUT TOO!! NO, I DON'T WANNA BE CHEERED UP, I WANNA CRY, YELL, MOVE MY ARMS AND LEGS ALL OVER!!

I know that people worry and concern about me, but dammit!! I hate when they think that just because I have depressive phases (way too many), I need joy in my life, a person by my side or anything like that!! And no, Xande, i didn't wanted to smoke pot, not when I am depressed, because I always feel worse!! I prefer smoke pot when i am happy or close too, because happiness is strange to me, happiness is way harder to deal with than sadness. And hey, Xande, here's another message for you: In the other day, you faggot boy (I love you anyway, my friend), you told me not to make faggot comments, but you being gay and shaking your hands like it "shows you out" way more than me, the way you were talking to the army guy today... Hmm, that was way too faggot and you compained on me in the other day?? Weird... Anyway, army guys never complained of me being throwingf myself at them, but one of them complained to me that you did it to him, in the other night!! Weird too, huh?? But never fucking mind, i said I was about bitching and am bitching something here, not have to call your attention to this fact, not to have to upset my beauty with fucking idiot things!!

And people... The bitchness goes on!!! Some people are always complaining that I talk, laugh and do other stuffs way out loud!! I don't give a fuck!!! If I am in the café and am sat in a table and you come to sit at my table, get your fuckin' butt up and walk away!!! You don't see me speaking out loud of my problems in the café, do you?? You don't see me telling everything to everyone, do you?? You don't see me spreading my sadness or bad mood in the café, because when they arrive, I get my skinny butt up and just walk away!! I don't care if others like or dislike. I don't care if anyone will ever love me (yeah, loneliness is such a pitty, but better being on my own, then getting hurt again! And no, Paulo, you gay nurse boy, I do not prefer being happy than creating beautiful things!! I prefer creating beautiful things with my loneliness, than doing ugly things with happiness and to get my heart screwed again!)!! of course that are days that I crave for someone caring for me, huging me, cheering me up, but no, no, NO!!!! No more thoughts in this direction... Not tonight!!! And you guys, in there, inside my mind SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! You're not helping tonight!!!

Long time no writing down here, as well as I don't do it in my diaries, but it became easier to write here!! Surely that are stuffs which are not in my diaries, that are not in these blogs. i got a secret blog, with a secret name, where all my secrets are there!! ALL OF NASTY THINGS!! I still think I might delete that stuff, but for now, it's still there!! For now, i am still in the mood to write in 4 blogs, each day, each feeling, in the one that fits it the best, though all of them are not way too different from each others!! There is the Victim's blog, Angel's blog in portuguese, there's Bruno's blog (the secret one, with secret name), but I am still in the sake of writing them down!! Victim's blog is the one who i care a bit more of what what I write down there, because one of my best friends reads it and I know she hates knowing when I am bad, she always advise me, but what to do?? Not always happy (rarely), not always in the mood for good thing, not always wishing to be dead!! most people who deal with me nowadays don't know that inside, I feel mostly sad, that I get depression attacks jjust like that, that suicidal thoughts are a real thing for me. It's makes things way easier for me, because I can suffer in peace. There are only one or two people who deal with me of that long time ago, who still knows, who still understand that they must leave me alone when I ask for it!

And now, one last subject (unless you guys don't shut up in there!)... Been talking with a girl, added her in my facebook, due to our "chat" in comments in one of my many penpals groups and something that shown up was one old idea of mine. When I thought I would love to live in the States or anywhere else in the world. Nowadays, this doesn't sounds appealing to me anymore, just because I could't be far from my country, from my people, from our music, from our food, from our language. I once read that love is a slow suicide, but being far from Portugal would be the slowest and most painful death I could ever taste! I love my country more than anything, now. And yeah, now, because before i had my grand dad to love even more than the country, now he's gone, just hoping not to take too much time for me to meet him up again!! To meet grand dad, grand ma, dad, all those I have already lost...

Too much that could be said, too much that could be bitched up, but now...Well, guess that now its the time for me to leave... Time to eat something, time to lay down and sleep two hours, before getting up and going to do my blood tests. No more time to think, no more time to whisper, no more time to desire... Just me, the bed and my soul will fly a bit, while I am sleeping...

Now... Now that it's time to leave, tears came back... Tears for me... Tears for you... Tears for the world... Tears for all the destruction, for all the war, for all the pain we cause to each others... I hate feeling this much!! it's good as an artist, but terrible as a human being!! it hurts just too much!!

I just wanna be able to lay my head down and be able to rest in peace!! Is that asking too much?? It seems so!!