Angel Alucard

After a long while without typing anything down, wether in English or Portuguese, here I am! once again, when the frost of restarting writing is broken, it almost always has to do with musics! Musics I used to listen a lot and that used to make me travel around the globe and around all the dimensions! I still dream of fairies, vampires, middle ages and some stuffs that for others are just that: dreams! Fantasies! They're out there! They're for real!! Maybe not in this same plan of dimension we live at, but in an alternative one!! Maybe we're all Gods and all our dreams, all of our fantasies are just real worlds in another dimensions or points of Universe! Such as all of this... Someone whisper on my almost deaf ear! It don't need my ears, sane or deafs, to listen to their voices!! I feel them calling me all the time!! The elves!! The faeries!! Warriors of the darkness, as well, at the candle light in their tents!! Gladiators in their cages, with the sexiness of the...

My latest addiction, since I went back on playing Shaiya, is "away" from me for about one hour or so. This game's server is up for a maintenance, so I not allowed to get in there. Possibly I will stand around back on painting, possibly writing a few poems, or something like that. There is such a huge lack of words within me lately, but I really gotta stand up and fight this "thing"! Like the angels of Death, I feel bored, looking in the horizon... Just nothing to say, just no moaning tonight... I just wanted to give something new here, as for a long, long time that I have kept this shut!

This blog... This little space of my own, where I put my feelings down, such as i would do in a diary, has been a bit abandoned... Such as an attention whore, like any good artist, rulling three blogs, eventhough they're all about the same, doesn't gives us the "quality" sometimes to share what we're feeling, what we're thinking, what we're desiring, what's creeping us out, what's driving us crazy, when we're down and when we're in an euphoric state, such as I am feeling right now, though the sleep is putting a little brake on it now!! Ha! It's just insane that I've been swimming in a sea of depression, almost drowned in this sea of sorrow and laments, but today, without alcohol, without any drugs, I was in such a huge euphoria, that it seems I was able to touch the sky, to feel the clouds between my fingers, to feel the wind between my legs, such as a motorcyle, with it's vibrating motor, taking me away in a long highway to ...

Well, arrived one hour ago at home!! Went to the marina of Cascais to go to a club, but guess what?? I wasn't able to relax, to let myself go, to have fun, to feel the music in my soul, to feel my body just swinging with the sound of the music... Seems like i really need drugs or alcohol to relax, to have fun... I realised tonight that I do need those stuffs to help me to relax, to help me letting myself going with the flow, having fun, relaxing, feeling the music within my body, vibrating in each little bit of my bones... Most of this stuffs, I can feel them even sleeping,b ut not that happiness, not that will to be surrounded by people, especially with a company that I would prefer keeping away from me!! I thank you all, guys & girls, for calling me to have fun, but my smile to you was fake!! The smile to the pictures was fake!! I was sad, bothered inside, those people looking at me was bothering me, i haven't even lift up my eyes, I prefered to take a look through the wi...

This is a Painting by me!! :) I was about bitching. I was depressed... Am a bit sort of of depressed, but not needing to bitch!! Been talking on messenger all night long, been watching some videos to laugh and sharing them with my friend Xana. Been listening to Amália Rodrigues, my favourite singer, chosing some oif the most depressive songs, but it's a good pain!! I need this!! I need her voice, as my comfortable spot. i need to cry, when I feel in the mood to!! And Amália can be such a great help!! Just dropped two gross tears!! Just felt a chill within my bones, while i heard her singing in the excerpt of a movie!! More and more minutes, listening to Amáklia, to her wonderful voice, to her incredible presence in live shows or in TV. And when i say i am writing, it doesn't matters if i am bitching (I was seeing I wasn't doing it so!! xD) on my blogs or if I am taking care of my poetry or anything else i am doing, including painting, people should suppose that i want ...

Listening to such wonders like this, I still wonder how do human beings create so many wars, how do we fight so much each others, how do we still kill each others just for fun and pleasure. I still wonder how good it would be to leave this world behind, listening to something so beautiful like this! No more pain! No more wars! No more hate! No more killings! I realise how we are stupid, how tiny we are, but we still think we rule, we are the lords of the planet! It doesn't matter!! We'll never own anything! We'll never be superior to any specie, just because we behave in the most disgusting way to each others, to the planet, to the animals. How sweet sounds now the idea of leaving this world behind, I repeat! Just wondering, due to such beauty!

Am here for a few hours trying to decide what to write down. Wished I could do happier things!! Wished I could do pretty things, but this is the way I am!! And for the time I got this open, to write down something, after talking to him, after being telling him more on what's going on wrong with me, being with the  liars ' song on, for some reason that I unknown myself. Been here for too long, almost crying, just because he is not giving up on me, just because he's saying that I can count on him anytime, just because he's in my life, eventhough it's not real yet, it's just virtual, but no judgements, no demandings (just the demanding for my happiness), blah, blah, blah... Am broken... Am really broken... My healt is no longer perfect, it'll never be perfect again, but I can do lots of things, like I always did. Nothing will stop me!! Just got a proposal from a Portuguese actor who added me in the FB for registering my poetries in the portuguese society ...

I need to leave this wicked world behind. Flowers became hard stones for me. The air I breathe feels like poison to my lungs. I smoke my cigarettes. I smoke over and over, cigarette after cigarette, because I can not feel peace within. I try hard and harder day by day, hour by hour, but there's no way to get some peace into this wicked soul. Seems that my old desire became true: I am all alone, I can not find anyone who can love, especially now. Oh! Yeah, I know, there are my friends, but friends are not the right people to give a kiss in the lips, to give me a hug in the darkest hours of my physical conditons or in the darkest hours of my mind. There are secrets that only two friends of mine do know, there are secrets that i wish was able to hide from the entire world. i wish it was possible to hide many things, including my feelings, even from myself. I know, feeling this much, using it to work or write is such a great gift. I can be big! Numerology said so! Tarot said so! B...

I look at my past. I remember those old times. Seems it's all so far away. The feelings ain't changed much. My questions are still the same of qhen I was a child. I still listen to the same voice. But there are other things which seems way too far. I still wonder why all this sadness, even when I am smiling. I still wonder how do I can smile, when all the pain inside seems just too much than I can even stand. This world hurts me. Beauty hurts me. Ugliness hurt me. Smiles hurt me. Tears hurt me. Why all this feeling? Why this feeling of emptiness, even when I am surrounded by dozens of people? I still wonder why do the winds whispers his secrets to me. I still wonder the sea calls me everytime. I still wonder which will be the taste of Death... I mean, of being dead, not of tasting the death of others, because it's just too much pain going on and on... There's so many things why I wonder, that I try to give up on wondering on this. Just letting it flow, just letting i...

No matter how many years will pass by, till my departing day. No matter how many voices scream out loud in my head. No matter how hard loneliness hits me. No matter how shinny or grey days are. No matter how many cigarettes I smoke. Because there are dark corners in my mind and they belong to you. I feel you looking at me from there, like a spider in it's web, waiting for the fly to fall in the trap. Your eyes on me has been just another to hurt me. You smile has been the fire to burn me hard. And my love for doesn't ceases! My love for you is stronger day by day. No matter what! i may starting liking someone, but it will never be the same than what I had for you. The darkest corners of my mind are no longer fulfilled with monsters. The darkest corner s of my mind are yours, for your sake, for your guilty, for your sake, for your pleasure and delight. Your green eyes and your lighty smile are part of me. Do not be affraid, I won't reveal your secrets out loud to the wind...

Still couldn't forgot you, but time keeps passing by, days keep going on and on! Nothing stops time and life, so why not just letting myself go with the flow? Why keeping me trapped to you? The more I love is not the more you'll love or ever think about me, so why am I not able to get over you? It's not fair, not a fair fight, but here I am, trying to tell myself that I'll get over you, to tell myself that I can get over all this feeling, to tell myself that my madness can make me run through all the good things, without thinking of you, but it hasn't been possible. Así como Shakira lo dice, no he conocido ojos como los que tienes tu!!

I am sick and tired of all this routine in the hospital. I am sick of having to spend my days in the bed with the face against the pillow, due to the eye surgery. I am sick and tired of being alone. I am sick and tired of always running from love. There is nothing I crave more but human touch. And no, you might know me quite well, but I am not talking about sex, I am craving for a hug, for a kiss, for someone whispering me that despite all the things that gone wrong, everything will be fine!! I am craving for a body by my side in my bed, without anysexual intentions, just to stand there by my side, staring me, touching me or just kissing my neck, my face and my lips. Someone to shove the hair from my eyes and to clean my silent tears. I've never felt so alone and I gotta say that my body suffered a few mutations with my diseases, so who's up to be aside a mutant? Who's up to cuddle me? Who's up for anything? Friends... My friends are way cool, they're way nice...

This won't be such an happy or funny or even interesting post!! This will be for someone who just read my blog and said it's fascinating this whole thing of the voices within my head, of the feelings of my alter-egos, of the working mind of this human being who's typing down here right now. For me, typing this down, dealing with all these voices within my head, dealing with yellings, like that little animal which was Pinnochio's conscience, dealing with lots of cigarettes, dealing with sleepless nights are not something weird or new for me at all. Angel's still killing monsters, whenever he feels bored. He even creates them, just for the fun to kill them out! Nina... Well, that little bitch, would love to pick a motorcycle and go for a ride with a huge muscular guy and have a wild sex session with him, or just get drunk, while relaxing in the beach at night! There are other voices, but none of them is identifiable, none of them gets a shape. Suppose they're n...

That there were a moment only mine. A moment that no one called for my attention. A moment that no one would crave for my presence. A moment that no one would call my name. A moment where I could be on my own, with no lights, no music, no life at all! I wish there were those moments like the last few nights in the hospital, when anxiety called me out there to smoke a cigarette. A moment of peace, despite all the sick people along the nurseries. A moment of loneliness that would not taste bad. A moment where I could be me, only! But I also wish all the contrarious things! I wish for the kiss of a hard lover! I wish for the hug of a motherfucker! I wish for a ride in high speed, like the one in the last week! A moment of being high, with no wories on the world out there! I wish peace! I wish war! I wanna live!! I wanna die!! Cats to barks, dogs to meow! Birds to climb trees and apes to fly! I wish a coloured sky and black mountains! I wish everything... I wish nothing!

Tell me, babe, are any more words necessary? Doesn't all those words I wasted here tell everything? Doesn't all the musics I waste on you tell all my pain? Why do you still look at me? Why now, that I am broken and done? Why can't I let you go?? Why, like a fool, I still bear your eyes on me? I need to spread my wings and fly... And let you behind...

Last night had a wonderful night. Had a party! Lots of metal and rock and a DJ after that! I danced all night long. And I saw your green eyes on me, right when "Fear Of The Dark" was about to begin and you know what? I don't give a fuck, by now! "Fear Of The Dark" is ma song and I jumped all over, I screamed, I sang, I danced, I had fun!! Lots of fun!! That was my night and I enjoyed it as much as I could and you couldn't stop me!! No one could stop me from having amazing fun!! :) I want some more parties. I want some more car rides! I want some more nights out!! Definitelly, not much inspired to write tonight, but something like this needed to be said!!

A perfect night out, dancing, having fun, smoking some pot, having a few drinks and being with friends, instead being all the time in the café!! Turtles and Paulinho, happy 4th birthday to Nosso Café!! :)  I wish I had the time to enjoy a bit more of the party, but my ride just left, so, home time!! :) And ya, love!! I saw ya!! I felt your eyes on me, but this is not a night to think on what gone wrong. Tonight, is not the night do moan on you. It was my night to go out and dance, enjoy and have fun!! And I surelly did it!! So, it was my night!! And I had lots of fun!! Love y'all, readers!! Love y'all, brothers!! Love y'all, friends!! Love y'all, lovers!! Peace, love & respect, Bruno (and all his alter egos)

You, again... It seems that's it's now on my daily basis, to you see you everynight. I am sick and tired of this feeling! i am letting myself going with the flow, letting someone grab my hand and pull me up, but there you are, almost ruining my chance to lift up... Your eyes settled over mine, once again... No more way to lies, no more way to cheating on myself, it's you who I love. It's you who I need! It's you who I need to forget... You can do no good to me!! You never did no good to me!! You were and you still are like a drug... At the simple scent of you, I am running after you, I am running after your green eyes look, I am looking for your wicked smile, I am looking for your love... I am still wishing that the dead flower inside my chest turns into a beautiful spring flower again. I would never tell you my little big secret, but you would be safe for my temptations! I would never let anyone hurt you, but I would never let you be hurt! I would drown for you, ...

Of so many things I've done in my life, possibly the refuse of someone a couple days ago has been the biggest mistake I've done in my life. But I am not worried... Night is yet a child... Life is yet a child... There is yet a lot to come before all that need to be done. There is so much to be said. There is a long path to be walked. There are many dreams to be dreamt. There are many songs to be sung. There is just too much to be done. And why not recognizing some mistakes and get what is given to me? Is it too late? Perhaps, there's any other  person out there wishing to love me... Who knows? I don't and don't really care!! Ahah! Confuse lines, I know!! I might have lost the chance to be loved, but there are just too many people out there!! I can wait! We can handle this! We can not! I can fly! I can not! The night is all mine! It belongs to no one! Ahah!! I just want a car in high speed in a highway, a lot of pot to be smoked and nothing else matters, but the s...

One more night... It gone by, one more night... More cigarettes... More drinks (coke, in my case)... More ashes in the ashtrays... More conversations... More laughs... More melancholy for me... I decided to take my mobile off my pocket and starting recording the night. I got three nice videos of us talking, laughing, smoking, drinking and all the normal things in the café. It was so nice, but when I record those nights, it's like if I was wanting to stay alive through those videos. May be that the reason? May be that why I always want to have videos of mine, in those nights out, in the café? I can not explain the reason. I couldn't do it. There are a few things in my life that has no reason to be, that has no reason to happen... Like the cigarettes I smoke. The ashes they do. The ashes the wind takes from them. My sadness. My melancholy. My desires. My dreams. My hopes. What are dreams made of? Why do they come to us? Why do some people dream of prophecies and others don...

Time passes by. The weel keeps turning. Life still goes on. And after seing you yesterday, after tasting your green eyes again, I feel cooler... I said I didn't wanted someone else's hand, but today I let myself go a bit with the flow. Talked to who offered me hope... I am trying to give hope to someone needing it... Someone believing to be in my situation ( not about you, in the end, you're not the only thing in my life) and needing a little light and here I am, trying to give that hope to him. Today, I accepted a conversation online with that person that, eventhough he doesn't really knows me (and yeah, not like you, definitelly!), that says he feels into me, he wants to love me, to take care of me... Well, Sofia said "once you can't love, let yourself being loved!". Why not?? But definitelly, not into letting myself go with the flow... I want to... But I don't want to... Definitelly, not into warming more beds... Not into going on shinny paths, wh...