Sunday, January 29, 2017

Photographs and what nots

I used to love to photograph stuffs. Even with the weakest of the cameras, I uses to hold some memories so close to the screen of a computer or so close as to a physical photography. I don't photograph that much nowadays. In a world where everyone has a camera in their phones, it feels strange and awkward to start photographing the world or even the people around me. Or maybe, I don't have the right people around me to photograph people. Or the surroundings aren't exactly the ones I'd like to have in a memory.
During my life, I also used to make some X-rated photographs and videos of myself. Nowadays, whenever a picture of that is taken for "sexting" or even for a special thing, I get those pictures deleted. Don't ask me why, especially with so many males (and even females), who keep those kinda pictures on their phones, on their Twitters or Tumblrs, but if feels awkward, the same exact way it feels awkward to photograph the world around me.
I have no idea, if it's of me, if it's because I've grown onto a weird adult man, if it's because I came to any kind of strange conclusion that I'm not worthy to be kept on photographs, the world or the people aren't worthy. Yet, after getting those pictures deleted (all of them, not only the x-rated ones), on purpose or accidentally, I always feel bad. After deleting or losing them, I feel like I have lost a part of me - in the same exact way that I feel anytime I remember all the old drawings that I decided I should get rid of.
I feel like I have lost myself along the way and it isn't only because of my drawings, because of my pictures, because of the deleted blog entries or even the images collected on the web and shared here, on a glimpse of self-shame. I feel that with all this, I've thrown part of myself away, because I was lost, because I am still lost and I am constantly trying to find myself out on glimpses of myself and of my shame.

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I've assassinated a man. I've committed suicide countless times.

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