Angel Alucard

Yesterday, I said to a guy that someone in my past broke my heart so hard, that when I have chances to be loved, I just run away. I turn my back and walk away. I just can not open the gates to my heart anymore. Those barrieres I created around me are too strong. Someone penetrated them, but I fought and could make that person give up. Today, the reason for that barriers, shown up in my life, once again. Those eyes, settled in mine, again. That body, almost touched mine. That scent, entered my nose, invaded my soul. I saw him! He saw me! Does he loves me? Does he even reminds me? I would kill for him! I would die for him! I would take a shot or a stab for him! I would fly to the moon and return for him. So many years passed by and still I don't know how to let love come into my heart. So many years gone by and he is still the reason for the barriers around me. He still is the reason for the gates in my heart, locked and chained, so no one can penetrate it. My mind... My poor mind ...

It's strange how do we spend a whole file fighting to get something and when it's given to us, we run away from it. For a long while that I am alone, since I've fell in love with a guy... A terribly handsome guy, with the typical smile of the hunters... A guy who talked to me naked and drunk, for the very fisrt time, but that absorbed all of my soul in that same moment. Our second conversation, both serious and fun, but then he shown me myself without the shell and it was what made me love him. He could make me fly without the pot, just his addictive smile, his green eyes... Then, it came the end, because I've been nothing, but a hobbie for a few days. I believe that, despite the hate I felt in the following days, something of me remained in him... Now, a few years later, I still think of him. His smile still aunts my dreams. When I dream of faceless smile, it's his smile, his motherfucker look, his wicked body I see. Now... It actually had a guy who I met yeste...

Life, for example. People try to grab it as strong as they can, but it escapes through their fingers. Life and Time pass by and we can not buy them back. They go, they run and laugh at our faces. Lies!! Lot's of lies!! Nothing more, but lies!! Why are we always cheating on each others? What's the matter? what's the point? Tonight, though it's Christmas, I am not fine. I am in one of those nights I feel I am doing nothing on Earth's surface, I am feeling such a deep sadness, a deep melancholy, but I can not put on words all my feelings. I can not sa what's going inside my old soul. I read others' poetry, some people who are not published and then I look at mine and that's when I doubt of my abbilities. I start disliking my words, I start disliking my paintings, I start disliking so many things in me... And I try, try hard, try harder, but it seems nothing's good enough to my soul. I feel it in shattered pieces, like a lil bit of ash disperse in...

Sometimes, there's the feeling of loneliness between thousands of people, it's how I am feeling between my friends and their friends, at their house. I feel alone, I feel invisible, I feel like not belonging here... Sometimes, I wonder if I ever have belonged to this world? I see more than people, I see through them, I see their fears, I see their sad faces, when they wish to show up a radiant smile, I see the sadness and the fear in their eyes... I am not sleeping for the last nights, I sleep very few, I am full of nightmares... What's wrong here?? What's going wrong with me???

I wanna know where to go. I wanna know what to feel. I wanna know what I feel in this world... I wanna be able to write or paint down what my soul is feeling... No more emptiness... No more lonely nights... No more vain cigarettes... No more desires... No more dreams... Nightmares, that's all the has been left to me. Nightmares are constantly showing up!! That's all I can dream now... I try to dream of my land, that land I belong at... But there's nothing more left to dream...

It's funny how days go by, how years keep passing and I am looking for the same thing: beauty!! I find pieces of it, like in this sweet song... I got no words to write down... Just needed to share.

Time goes by and there are wonderful things... Like this voice!! I used to be able to wear my voice like this, but then, it came tobacco!! And getting cold!! And being sixk a few times, drinking cold drinks, or eating ice-creams... I m trying to be able to do this again!! Even I am a guy, I have the right to do what I've been given the chance to!!

Sometimes, when melancholy hits me, I feel tempted to listen to songs like this. And today, after have gone to Decathlon store in Sintra and after looking to the mount with the palace on the top, covered in really dark clouds, with some rain falling and strong cold wind, I felt a lil bit melancholic... I like days like this, but it always happens that some melancholy comes through me and makes me feel a lil bit with a cold "thing" in my chest. I'm pretty way creative in days like this, I write more, I used to paint more, I sing more... And I feel more!! That's the important thing!! And I remember qhen I visited the palace of Queluz with my teachers, yet on school time. When we came to its gardens, when I walked side by side with my teacher, my hands in my pockets and just our voices, our steps, the statues, the bushes and the sunny afternoon... I need to get some friends and go for it someday!! I really need to!!

Back to the past?? Or just wandering through life's memories, to help to heal the future and the present?? Like I do with hash, or weed smoking, I try to make life's better or easier, but it's a thing of a moment! But it's great that I've had gone to get this songs on youtube! I think of the past... I live life in a "fiesta" , something like an every night's party, in café with my friends, in the streets, in my imagination. Laugh, still am the melancholic thing, but different now. I've learnt to deal with my humour changes, I've learnt not to make a drama of each and evry situation, learnt to be more patient, learnt to know that everything has a place and a time, some things can't be changed or hurried up. It's better... But I think it won't be good anytime!

This is a typical Summer day... Lots of Sun, the air is too HOT, I feel like melting. I was supposed to be happy, right?? People feel depressed on Winter, due to rain, the lack of Sun and so on... Well, I am not that happy!! I feel I am unable to be really happy!! I am in the cyber shop I use to come lately to be a little in the internet to write down on my blogs, to see my friends pictures or to talk to some of them. At my side, there's a guy who seems to foccused on the computer to notice I am looking at him sometimes. There were a couple in some computers out there, who the guy looks at me so many times, that it seems he's interested in me. Today I am trembling all over, I got a heartache since I woke up, I barely eated... Sometimes, lots of times, I feel tired of this life, of this existence and nothing saeems to help, nothing seems to cease pain away... I cant´t explain how do I really feel!! It's like if I had an iceberg inside my chest, like if loneliness was a knigh...

I am feeling empty... Not exactly well... Not exactly bad... Empty!! How can I define this?? This is like a good feeling that if I wasn't here in this moment, it wouldn't matter where I would be!! I am not in the right mood to write... A couple days ago, I read something about bipolar people and about some artists, including two poets from Portugal, my country, and they said it was needed them to be in such a huge euphoria or in such a huge depression, if they wanted to create... Weel, I recognise some signs of bipolarity in me, but I don't know if I am really bipolar, or if I am just with a humour changing crisis. I need to check psychiatrist, before ever doing anything related to bipolarity... Just needed to write down a few lines... It's hot out there... I don't want to be burnt by the sun...

div> I had a rose of fire Burning in my heart Fate won it gambling In days which already left Red rose of hope, Oh this colourless hours Why do you come, memory, As a sin of love? I'm tired of my tired steps, I haven't gave of getting tired I carry heavy on my arms The rest of dreams to the sea I had a rose of fire burning in my heart Fate won it gambling In days the already gone!! This is the translation of the poem of the fado that's playing!! I hope you like it as much as me. I wish you're able to understand why did I feel so much my soul... That might be the sadest way to explain the huge passion the kills my soul... The passion, the hunger of living, but the obsession of Death!! It hurts me a lot! And I couldn't be really happy, if it was any different!!

Lately, it's hard for me to see old pictures. It's hard for me to think on someone I love, because lately I realise my friendships are loves too bigs to be felt like a simple friendship. People in my life are my loves!! I love them so hard that I feel despair just thinking about them! The sea is another HUGE love of mine!! The rain, that's right now falling out there, that leaves an awesome smell of wet earth and wet cement, due to the city, is my obsession, I love walking the streets while it's raining, feeling the rain in my face, in my hair, weting my body!! Everything, lately, can be related to a sexual desire, to a sexual touch on my body... The simple massage a friend of mine did on my neck last night could be done in a sexual content, but in the middle of the café, just because my neck hurts over two weeks. I can't explain... In my Facebook, two minutes ago, I saw my tagged pictures, by a friend of mine profile, old pictures, of old smiles, of old laughs and ...

It's the time for me to think what I really wanna do. I suffer because I can't tell by words (or in any other way) to the world the way I feel. I try to do that in my poems, but it's never enough, it's never the right words. In my paintings, it's never the right colour or trace, or shadow. I'm falling into a dark wave again. I go deeper in me! I dig harder and deeper! Nothingness! Just silence! I speak... I shout... But no echo!! No sound!! I feel tired, painful, every morning I wake up! May it be a vampire, once again, sucking all my energy?? May it be a werewolf atracting me, to possess my body and offer me sexual pleasure as no human being as been able to?? I see some videos on porn (I'm human, after all) of big muscular men fucking each other ass, sucking the dicks, drinking piss or sperm and I think how nice it would be to be there in the middle!! I deon't care much of what others think aboutme, I just care on me... But being me is everyday harder. ...

Being myself, once again... Being what I was in the past, without leting myself go in a wave of depression and suicidal thoughts!! Though Death is the obsession of my soul, the obsession of my own, I know it'll come, so why to waste time thinking of her?? I know she's looking for me, I know she'll come when it's the time, so why should I waste too much time on her?? She know I love her right away, I'll spread my arms and let her embrace me!! In one of these friday nights, my friend M. took me and one friend of her, S., to the beach at night!! There's nothing so grand as the sea, as it's envolving smell, as it song, laying in the sand!! I wish I was so drunk or so highed I wouldn't mind to go and let him touch me, let him love me, let him do whatever he wants with me!! Of course I still wander around! Of course I still feel loss, or in a deep despair, of course sadness (one of my best inspirations to create) is still a nice company to a cigarette, togeth...

There's only 15 minutes left here, in the computer, on the internet store. I've been looking for jobs online, I've been contacting some friends, I've been having a little fun, and now, I'm listening to music, while to guys talks out loud on my left side! Life has been a bit dificult, but nothing that my inner world, that my world inside my own mind doesn't helps!! I can be crazy, but I see wonderful places, I see the future and the past, within my own mind... Right now, I'm not sure on what writing, but I can ear the flying cars out there, I can hear the mechanisms under the city moving, the gears turning, the smoke poping out... And there's nothing better for me, but to get into my own world!! :) Crazy?? Nah, an alternative way to be (artificially) happy!!

I'm just in front of the laptop, while a group of guys talks out loud, while they smoke hash... I smoked my hash part too and I am expecting more to come to me... I am aware of what I am saying... I am aware on which way I'm walking now, once again... I am just unable to do anything to fight the sadness feeling, the feeeling of not knowing myself, of not being able to understand what I am really feeling. Late at night, I gotta stand loads of hip-hop playing, hip-hop guys who will give me their hash to smoke. Late at night, when everyone seems to be at home sleeping, things are not how do most of lamb of society think things are. People think that everyone wake up soon in the morning to have loads of work to do, but late at night, "ordinary" people are somewhere, smoking some weed or some hash, just because it helps to relax from the exhausting day of work. Just because it helps them dealing with other human beings. Late at night, I lose myself, just to find myself ins...

I am the one who walks alone... I am the shadow everyone tries to ignore... I am a thought on someone's desiring for sin... I am the red rose of a bouquet of Tulips... I am the one who the night hurts... I'm the one who cries in silence long gone Eras... I am the one who loves without being stuck... I can't fight anymore against all these storms... I can't try again to be fighting laziness in the sense to change my way. I can't do the role of being someone else anymore. I can't make sense even for myself... I am sure everyone understands I am highed in this right moment and it could be a tragedy of headshoted suicide and a goodbye letter and, for everyone around, I would be just highed writing this... "Pain... Pain... It just won't goes away... Why?... Mom... Mom... She just left with a strange man... Where did she gone?... My gay lover is trying to fish all my attention out... What does he wants from me? Does he love me?..." Thoughts like this, c...

Sometimes, I still wonder why do I care. Sometimes, I still try to fix things out, but this has been long empty times, with no blogging. Late at night, at a friend's house, I'm here, in front of a damned computer with a fuckin' connection to the internet, after a few months without being able to blog about what I really fuckin' care. I am lost, I could say, but am I really lost? I find myself laughing, smiling, having long shitty conversations with friends in the cafe, reading shitty magazines about celebrities (?)... I even bought a gay magazine today, to read, to see naked man, but there were no naked men at all. I know the at least two friends of mine will be travelling to Scotland in September and as I hope to get a job soon (shouldn't I have got it months ago, if I wasn't too lazy to look for?), I hope to get my passport and an airplane ticket to USA, to to LA. I imagine me and E. in the beach, with lots of hot man hanging around, and we pretty gorgeous lai...