Why??

Yesterday, I said to a guy that someone in my past broke my heart so hard, that when I have chances to be loved, I just run away. I turn my back and walk away. I just can not open the gates to my heart anymore. Those barrieres I created around me are too strong. Someone penetrated them, but I fought and could make that person give up.
Today, the reason for that barriers, shown up in my life, once again. Those eyes, settled in mine, again. That body, almost touched mine. That scent, entered my nose, invaded my soul. I saw him! He saw me! Does he loves me? Does he even reminds me? I would kill for him! I would die for him! I would take a shot or a stab for him! I would fly to the moon and return for him. So many years passed by and still I don't know how to let love come into my heart. So many years gone by and he is still the reason for the barriers around me. He still is the reason for the gates in my heart, locked and chained, so no one can penetrate it.
My mind... My poor mind siffered such a hit today. Smoked a little bit of pot, that I wasn't wishing to, just because I was wanting to stop thinking about him. Things gone wrong! I am no more the same Bruno. Once again, something changed about me. The time I lost him, the time he was mine, changed me. Learned and growned a lot with that guy. He shown me myself without the shell, he shown me myself!! He saw how I was... He left me naked, no clothes, no make-up on my bad things or in the good ones... He knew, even being drunk, exactly how I was, in the very first time we have ever talked. And i miss someone who can do that! Someone that wake me up with a single smile. Someone that drive me crazy like this. But, in the end, I was just nothing, just another one.
I'm not yours,
You're not mine. but why? Why things gone this way? Why did you destroyed the best that I had in me? And why have you decided to come into the café where I go every single night of my life? Why did you came and messed my world, without a warning? Why do you still affect me?
I feel ridiculous feeling something like this I feel ridicyulous to still dream of you I feel ridiculous of holding a vain hope of having you in my life again. I hate it! I hate you! I love you!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Easter time: cleaning and rebirth time

Image
  This is Easter time. This is the time of rebirth like Christ Himself, the time to rise from my own ashes, like the Phoenix. And having written this, I am thinking about social media and the amount of accounts that I follow uselessly. Twitter is in worse conditions: I have followed almost 2000 accounts recently. Mostly linked to gay porn, accounts that share gay clips and certain men who share semi-nudes, teasing their viewers to buy a subscription for their OnlyFans accounts. It's useless and I followed most of them because the images were pleasant. I have even thought about getting myself an alt account, so that I could follow certain accounts freely. It happenes that my Twitter account is 11 years old, I have a massive number of people who have blocked me, including politicians and political parties in my country and I'll honestly stick to those honor badges. I'll unfollow the vast majority of people and accounts that I came to follow and stick to those whom I've re
Read more

The Blessing and the Curse of Technology

Technology is a blessing. And a curse. I am typing this message inside a very full bus. Few seats and not that much space for people doing this long hour trip on their feet. I am deactivating the cell phone's browser and Google Chrome, as I am sticking with Brave and have been for a while. And this process has been kinda painful: Google Chrome is the most used web browser and as most cell phones are part of Android universe, it's more than natural. However, it hands me a little too many ads and trying to read anything is almost certain that I'll end up hitting a surprise pop up ad. My cell phone is a Redmi, which gives me Mi Browser as a default. And although Mi browser blocks some commercials, it still allows pop ups; trying to see something on YouTube still gives me ads, despite the ad block. And although I'd like to use the easiness of Chrome or being faithful to Mi Browser, Brave wins. Wins because you block ads, because it blocks cookies without having websites ask
Read more

Following and Unfollowing

I've recently started cleaning my social media following. Again. In the last week's, I've been unfollowing a lot of accounts related with porn, leaving only those accounts that share some clips and some actors, and politics. However, I know myself and I know I'll be chasing some of those people back. From both spectrums. The thing is that anxiety makes me do it. I even follow and unfollow people that I know in a spree. My mind works in a strange way. I think that me and a certain person haven't been in each other's life for a while, so it doesn't makes sense to still follow them. As for porn or politics, I'm tired of chasing the same old thing - cock or the politicians I'm voting for - under different faces or backgrounds. So I unfollow them. Later on, I'll start following them again, because... Well, because they've been followed by me before and I liked what I saw. Things are still going down the path where I unfollow them. I'll most li
Read more