Doubts and Choices

It's strange how do we spend a whole file fighting to get something and when it's given to us, we run away from it. For a long while that I am alone, since I've fell in love with a guy... A terribly handsome guy, with the typical smile of the hunters... A guy who talked to me naked and drunk, for the very fisrt time, but that absorbed all of my soul in that same moment. Our second conversation, both serious and fun, but then he shown me myself without the shell and it was what made me love him. He could make me fly without the pot, just his addictive smile, his green eyes... Then, it came the end, because I've been nothing, but a hobbie for a few days. I believe that, despite the hate I felt in the following days, something of me remained in him... Now, a few years later, I still think of him. His smile still aunts my dreams. When I dream of faceless smile, it's his smile, his motherfucker look, his wicked body I see.

Now... It actually had a guy who I met yesterday, we've been chatting but he was insisting to be part of my life, to be someone that would stand by my side and I just had to run away. I felt like if my kingdom was being invaded. I closed my heart a long while ago.

Sorry. The moon shinning is still the same nowhere blue sky's moon I've seen where I came from. This is the same brilliance I've seen ages ago. This is the same moon which shone over my caravan. in my previous life. This is the same moon brilliance that Dinosaurs saw. But for me, this is no longer the same moonlight since that ghost was born inside of me. This is no longer the same heart I've had, these are no longer the same feelings, I used to feel.

Walking down the street, listening to the cars passing by... Listening to the tiny voice of the river in my city... Paying attention to the groups out there... Choosing, once again, the dark park to walk home even faster than usually... Pot, lots of pot smoked today, but it wasn't enough... The more I smoke, the less good it's doing, because my soul doesn't stops feeling... in fact, it feels more, my mind, my thoughts are unleasehd. The night is tastier highed and the road and high speed are more willing to be gotten.

Sometimes, I think how it would feel if I coud turn back time. If I could go back and change some stuffs. If could have done different options... This is time for me to pick someone up and get my "marriage"... Why? Why do people always think that the solution for my "complication" is getting someone? Why would i want to reapeat that bad experience? Why?

I wish I was next to the sea... To find my hole in the ground, warm and humid, and hide inside, such as a hurted beast. I need peace of mind, but it's unrecheable. I needed the whole languages and every supports and materials to paint a canvas and evethough,that would never be enought to say what's on my mind, on my soul.

I don't need you... You don't need me... It's all relative... There are many fishes in the sea, go out and fish any other else... I am a broken thing, without any possible fixing... I need my space... To pack up my stuffs and move to the house which belonged to my beloved grand dad for a few days, weeks or months... I need to get in a stranger's car and being driven through the night, to far away from here... Maybe this stranger is the killer which will save me all the pain... The killer I look for everysingle night I pass in that dark park... Maybe, justy another lover of single night and I'lll never see or hear from him again... The forest whispers my name and the darkness beings are trying to call out my soul... But, once again, I am too far...

Suicide is NOT an option... Not now! Self-harming... Tomorrow it would hurt even more looking to my arms, to my new scars. What to do? Fall asleep and never ever wake again.