It's the time for me to think what I really wanna do. I suffer because I can't tell by words (or in any other way) to the world the way I feel. I try to do that in my poems, but it's never enough, it's never the right words. In my paintings, it's never the right colour or trace, or shadow. I'm falling into a dark wave again.
I go deeper in me! I dig harder and deeper! Nothingness! Just silence! I speak... I shout... But no echo!! No sound!!
I feel tired, painful, every morning I wake up! May it be a vampire, once again, sucking all my energy?? May it be a werewolf atracting me, to possess my body and offer me sexual pleasure as no human being as been able to?? I see some videos on porn (I'm human, after all) of big muscular men fucking each other ass, sucking the dicks, drinking piss or sperm and I think how nice it would be to be there in the middle!! I deon't care much of what others think aboutme, I just care on me... But being me is everyday harder. A constant humour changing, a constant depressive or enthusiastic way of be, of feel!!
A couple years ago, I would be saying "I'm depressed by this, I'm depressed by that", but the worse is that I can't find out a reason to be the way I am. There's no reason for nothing going this way!!
I think I must get a guy and fuck hard! It won't solve anything, but I'll fell much better in the end! I miss having someone else's dick between my legs or in my mouth!! Pervert?? Nah, just confident about my sexuality!! Or I shall smoke soe weed or hash!! Getting real out of my mind, letting this madness go!! Anything... I just would like to stop feeling for a while!!