Sunday, February 05, 2017

Too much drama, madness and the need to enjoy myself

It doesn't matters where else do I write. It doesn't really matters where else have I written before - for a long time, I have been writing here, on this blog and this has been said, by myself, as being my origin as a writer of blogs. It's not my intention to be famous. It has never been. I have always written to myself, for myself and no one else.
I have a blog in Portuguese, that came as a joke of a friend of mine and it feels really good and really therapeutic to write in my mother language. However, it doesn't feels enough. It's never enough and after a few years of writing there, I have decided to get myself another blog, on a Portuguese blogging platform. There, I came to see some neat blogs and it's a pleasure to read what some people have to say. There, I came to see some bloggers to which I feel connected, because of the darkness within them (e já não me sinto tão só! ). Also there, I came across some drama, of so called bloggers who seem to have nothing else to do, but to attack and offend others. And this is something big, that drags onto too many other blogs and there is/are always the protagonist(s) on such attacks. I won't stop reading or commenting the blogs I like to read or the texts I feel I'd like to comment, because something awakened the urge in me, just because of some morons. On the other hand, I will not allow such drama and negativity to come across my blogs, by opening the access to the comment sections for everyone to read.
I haven't slept. It's almost lunch time and I still in bed, as it's Sunday. I have in the cafe until it were four in the morning, I went to the gas station to have a coffee and then I came home. My boss called me, because he went to the gas station with the dude whom he left the cafe with, to meet me, but I have already left. Then, my night was spent checking blogs, through the section of comments, following some authors of blogs, reading here and there and doing the same with the comments. For the sake of my sanity, I need to see other souls, to read them, to absorb them. For the sake of my sanity, I need to step back from the drama, even if I am reading authors who are attacked. For the sake of my sanity, I need to write as much as I want, divided in as many posts as it's necessary, just because it's my blog and it's my mind.
I don't ask people to read me. If they don't want to, I won't oblige them. In the past, as a younger guy, I used to ask people to read what I had to say, to give me their opinions, but that's not necessary nowadays. I write because I want to write and I feel that if I don't escape somehow, I'll go nuts. And if I go nuts, who knows what might happen? I have done so many stupid things and even recently I have suffered the consequences of stupid actions. And I need to stop myself from being so stupid again.
The night has been a mixture of funny and overwhelming. It's also been one of those nights that I feel that I could have had a better ending for it, but... well, I am happy that I've done it safely to home, that I have spent it in my bed, reading, checking future reading places, enjoying my lone time. I am choosing to stay at home and enjoy myself, enjoy my time, enjoy myself; it doesn't matters how crazy it sounds to others, but I am much happier in my corner, than I have been hanging the streets.
There are people out there, hanging the same streets that I do, who are worth my time and energy, but I haven't seen some of them in a while. Or those who I have seen recently, seem to be busy or with other plans, so I stay at home and enjoy myself.
It might be crazy, but I am just being myself.

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