Angel Alucard

In a few days I'll make that trip to the North of Portugal! That trip that I usually do every year, to that very, very old village where my grand dad used to live. That very, very old village where both my grandparents are now resting in peace, near all these fields, all these woods and abandoned old villages. That old village is almost getting empty too! In a few days... soon, very soon i will be far, far away from here. 400 kms away seem to close nowadays, but 400kms away is also a good distance. 400 kms away from here mean nothing to worry about of what is left behind. Some stuffs will simply follow me, but those things are minimal, because there's knowledge from myself, understanding and acceptance. You know nothing and possibly, none of you will ever know what I am talking about. Or maybe you do. I am caring not. I'm really not: i'm turning 26 years old in the next 1st of August and I am getting a little bit too old for fucking pointless and useless drama. M...

Do you know what is going on inside of my soul? do you have any idea of what's burning within? Do you even know what feeling is? do you know what's to carry a heart? Do you have a minimal idea of what's having storms hitting and striking inside of you? Days have passed by... I am way better than days ago... but I am still wanting more... and I am feeling a little bit of despair... just a little bit (too big) of despair... I need more... so much more...

Tive uma rosa de fogo a arder no meu coração, ganhou-ma o destino ao jogo em dias que já lá vão! Rosa vermelha de esperança, ai estas horas sem cor, porque me vens à lembrança como um pecado de amor? Pesados pesam-me os passos que não dei por me cansar, levo pesados nos braços os restos de um sonho ao mar! Tive uma rosa de fogo... Translation I've had a rose of fire burning in my heart, Fate won it gambling in already gone days! Red rose of hope, oh these colourless hours, why do you come across my memory as a love sin? Heavy are my heavy steps, those I haven't given by getting tired, I carry heavy in my arms, the rests of a dream to the sea. I've had a rose of fire... Entering the mode to type. Half an hour choosen to be spent here, before I am going anywhere else, doing anything else. I'm feeling... and that means typing. Because typing seems to be the only way of creating latelyt. No, wait! ...

Last Sunday morning, I have ended  up in the middle fo a wood, doing something with a male friend. He requested my secret, after what i have done to him... it wasn't needed: I know what you, straight dudes, want after gay sex. last Sunday morning, after one night out, i went to take that friend home and we ended up there: doing what nature called us to! Times ago, I have typed an entry about a friend  who showeed some interest on doing a "test-drive" to me, late at night, when we were speaking with each other in the top of his building. Last Summer, I think that I've mentioned a friend who I got laid with, after one night out drinking and smoking. today, this is the entry. What you're reading is what you're getting. No further details. No images to be seen. It doesn't really matters! Matters that things have been done! Matters that I was really in the need of typing this (I've written names and further details in my diary)! Men are str...

Let me go! Let me fly away! Let me feel the rain falling in my body, washing it... let me feel the rain wash my soul away... I don't want to be trapped here... This world is just insanity... it is fulfilled with adness, insanity, lies... No one seems to be able to be real... No one seems to be able to be faithful to him / herself... Let me go away! Let me turn back and walk away! My soul, just let go of this world!

You woudln't imagine yourself walking a deep forest, without all the predators inside of it, would you? You wouldn't consider travelling the world, to find the perfect men for the works you needed done, would you? And would you consider walking a market full of people, not to see the products being sold, but the men selling them? Would you consider leaving your home during the noight, just to walk? Would you consider getting out at night, with that single purpose? As the cars were passing, you would be walking... and walking... and walking... And it is deep at night that i feel the bigger urge to be outside and walk: highed, sobber... I do like being outside, seing the few passing people (and from times to times, there's someone interesting), seing the smaller amount of life, but still seing and feeling life pulsing. Feeling the world turn and turn endlessly! I imagine... and most of my life is made of imagination... What I live... I type / handwrite ...

My mood has turned into something quite hard to stand in the last few days! Maybe I was already guessing the Sun was going away (when it gets rainy too suddendly, I get moody). Maybe something is biting my soul in this moment. Maybe I am needing a walk... another night walk (I do it in a daily / nightly basis)... maybe I am just needing to walk into a cemetery (I don't enter in cemeteris for almost three years, since my grand dad died), to remind myself that I am alive and that life is worthy, despite all the bad things that come along with it... In my head, that friend who was murdered... people told me he has been murdered in January or February... for me, he's been killed last Summer... Somehow, only now it is biting me this way... Somehow, I am just letting myself go in a spiral of thoughts... there's another friend of mine who left jail a few months ago... I don't see him for weeks... I fear that he gets into stuffs that might lead him to death... or back ...

And it means way too hot temperatures! Just saw on Twitter that temperatures in Lisbon (our capital city, from which I live on 19 km's away) are about 42ºC. Here, which is closer to Sintra and that temperatures are always a bit lower, we're having one day of 38ºC. Damn! I like all this sun and all this heat, especially at night, because it allows me to walk freely in the streets, listening to my music and listening to my thoughts. I like all this heat, that allows me to go to the beach, alkthough I haven't gone there yet and I am hardly seing me in the beach this year. Money's short and I am still not working... About the job issue... a friend has told me to show up in the café last Friday afternoon, so I could deliver him my curriculum and give it to him. He pissed me off the whole week and in the end, it was him who didn't show up. I am already guessing him talking on my back, such as a friend of mine did once, when she did me the same. She also knows one...

and it happens that I don't have a computer! I don't have my own computer with my own internet connection! I have the regular google accounts, such as blogger (of course, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this entry here!) and youtube. Facebook, twitter, tumblr... it is somewhat of a boom to my online social life. Decided to spen a bit more of cash today, just to improve my both new accounts on tumblr and it is going well! I am enjoying tumblr, although it is new for me and it si still a bit messy. Back to Facebook first times, it was confusing and messy for me too. Twitter either. But i am using them, without any problems or complications nowadays. Just give me time... and it'll be my kingdom!! :)