stupid

I am insatisfied with my life and with many things that are part of it. Even people keep me insatisfied. They appear to be some nasty hypocrites. Not all of them, for sure, but there areway many people whom I wasn't expecting such behaviours from them. Let them be.
My life is stuck on self-comiseration. I don't do, I won't go for it and fight and then I weep and complain. Sad, sadistic-masochistic and idiot. I know, I know. I am writing about the same for months, but it is much easier to stay at home, in my safe little corner, than going out and face the reality, face the possibility to get a "NO" anywhere. I need to move my idiot ass, otherwise I will have my life stuck on this forever.
The same goes for relationships. Some of the people who know me are fed up with my ideas against any kind of relationship. I don't feel like being able to get attached to someone more than in a basis of friendship... it doesn't goes any further. About sex... when it comes to sex, I am the kind of guy who's there as a "one-night-stand-dude". I am honest about that and I am also honest about having nothing else but sexual satisfaction to offer (and about wanting to get nothing, but sexual satisfaction). People still argue with me, trying to make me get over this, but it's impossible. Everyone, without an exception, ends this line of conversation with their waiver. They turn back to that conversation with me, to never ever come back on this matter. And then, I am online trying to get strangers to have a "one-night-stand-texting" too. There are things I don't do and don't speak with friends. There are things that I say to strangers I'll never ever will listen from ever again. And this stupid behaviour feels so good and so right...
I ripped off the pages of ALL my old notebooks. I want to hand-write all these years again. All those poems, although I am throwing the pages of diaries away (and I am even considering about finding a way to burn it all away). I want to edit my blogs, make the fusion between some of them, correct some mistakes, delete some entries... I keep putting excuses and I never do anyting.
What am I waiting for? For the death of those dearest of mine to arrive and to get myself completely alone? Because their death appears as a very real possibility in front of my eyes and it scares the hell out of me. I want to avoid thinking about this...
I need to stop looking to the sky as if any chance or my escape were falling from there. I need to move. I need to hurry up, because everyone's living their life, moving ahead and I am not leaving the same place.
I need to re-discover myself. And from there, I'll reach the sky.

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