Angel Alucard

I wonder, for long hours, what am I doing here!!! I listen to the music within my head and it's calling me, it tells me to lay down in my coffin... Finally, peace... Or maybe not. It's just a desire, a suicidal desire within my mind, within my inner world!!! So, I'm here, typing those words, while I am listening to Tarja Turunen's new Single... Things happens for a reason and so did her departure of Nightwish. It served to prove herself, to Nightwish's crew and the fans themselves that she could do great alone!!! I'm here... She's there... Nightwish moved on and are still there... Everything and everyone moves on!!! And in the end of the night, all I want is to be laid in my coffin...

No, it's not the music from Bryan Adams! I am a bit lost inside the new CD of Tarja Turunen... It's amazing and it's a kick in the butt of all those who said that she would "die" out of Nightwish. She has a reason to keep all the old fans (like me) and to earn new fans. I am here in the wrong mood, but I'm surviving!!!

Tomorrow I'll be gone from Cacém, for a few days... I'll be visiting my grand dad at his house, in Northern Portugal, about 400 km´s from here. I love my grand dad, though I don't enjoy talking to him by phone, cause I miss him, just by listening to his voice and not being able to see or touch him. I love the old tiny village where he lives... I have grown up in cities, but villages are great for me, especially if they're almost desert, like my grand dad's. I'll be gone for a few days, but I'll be back in 4 or 5 days... To all those people who likes and still believe in X-mas, I wanna wish you a merry Christmas(X-mas). I don't know if I'll be able to surf the web before new year's season, so I wanna wish you a Happy New Year too!!! Away for a few days... Away from Cacém... God, it'll be Paradise!!!

I am lost... A bit wordless and then, I can't define what am I feeling, though I'm checking some of my feelings out... Lost and lost, and only then I can find myself... I don't know...

I still wonder about  some things... Stupidity annoys me a lot!! It's incredible how people always forgive and await for that someone who has decided to run away from his/her responsabilities, while I'm hating that same guy, for the time he made me waste!!! People also enjoy making of me an idiot, but I am not standing that anymore! You borrowed something for me? Well, I want it back, with no chances of conversations... I don't have nothing more to say today!! I'm too irritated for monologues!!!

I get amazed with people's stupidity... Sometimes, I might be meanic or unfair, when I judge some people, but I feel that I have something to judge... I look around, I look at people and I see emptiness; maybe I'm empty too, but I don't see that in me (we're always too blind when it comes to look to ourselves)! I might be empty to the others, but my art, my literature and music fullfils me with great joy, though on the outside I feel, sometimes, unable to express it... I think I might care a little bit too much about the others' judge; it just frightens me, because I don't want to be held down by their opinions again. Yesterday, I went out to dinner at a restaurant... My friend's, Marta, birthday dinner, but I haven't enjoyed it properly... I wasn't feeling properly good, I have been depressed since I woke up, but the night ended well for me, because of the friendship and of the feelings I got back, when I had my friends together... I haven't f...

I'm here writing this entry, after posting a comment at Fernando Ribeiro's blog. He posted one text about the most truthful things that happen in the Portuguese music market and I started thinking and decided to post a comment... I surrended to his words and my brain started working in all of that... I posted a very short entry in the diary of my hi5 account and I am still numb, with no words... Things that are so real, that they could even scare the most common of the mortals... People usually to say "chase your dreams", but when you do it, they bite your head off. About the gothics and the metal fans which wears their "metal" clothes, people also use to say that it's just a phase, but like I wrote on that comment, I'm here, after a huge storm of depression, self-mutilation, and a whole bunch of other things... I don't want to write them again!!! I'm here, I paint, I write, I sing and I do a lot of other things which makes me happy and I d...

Incredible stuff... Me, a gothic, a metal fan, listening only to the emotional traditional music of Potugal (beloved land), Fado. Especially, to my dear and beloved Amália Rodrigues. My soul needs to cry, but my eyes are so dry!! Listening to Amália singing the Fado "Prece", I imagine myself inside that song. Departing and never come back... Go and die in Portugal... Why not now?! Why not at night? Why not in any morning, afternoon, night, beach, street, house, concert, etc.? I wonder how it feels to be dead and I would like to try it... I write and my inner weep calls me... Can you listen it?! Can you even see me?! I don't think so; I'm everything that you hate, I'm all that you run away of, I'm everything that you wished gone, I'm all that'll become dust... I'm a secret and a famous legend... I am me and I'll always me, till death tear us apart!!!

I'm searching the web and chating my friends in MSN, I find vampiresfreak.com, myspace.com and others. It's a way to meet new e-friends, but someone we might never really meet, so I wonder; are we doing something good by accounting this websites, or are we just wasting our precious time and life here, in front of computers?! Anyway, I have one account on hi5 and I visit it more often than my blog. Quite stupid, I guess!!!

I don't understand those people which buy something and immediatelly want to show off what they have bought. They want to do an exhibition of what they have, like they was wanting to show the others they're better than they really are. Wake up; you aren't worth for what you have, but for what you are and for what you do as a person. Envy - is that what you want that I feel?! Of course I feel Envy... I'm human, anyway, but my envy is the fact that you have a job, while I'm still looking for it; but what you have, doesn't makes you any better than me. I am wide stronger and open-minded than you are, I reach some levels of consciousness, that you have never been able too. Anyway, I'm not better than you and I don't wish to make you feel Envy for my works, my paintings, my writings, my poems, etc.. I want to feel proud of my own art, of my own life, so I don't envy the others' life or possessions... The moon is shinning out there, and I'm playing...

Amália Rodrigues: "Desde que existe a Morte, a Vida é imediatamente absurda. Sempre pensei assim". translation: "Since Death exists, Life is imediatelly absurd. I always thought like that." I see myself through this artist that I have mentioned in two of my postings... Let's see, deep inside, we can always find the most true of ourselves, when we go across our soul, our thoughts. An artist always reaches the deepest of his/her soul through his/her creations... Lately I haven't been able to paint, but I've been writing some poems. I'm in there, whichever I like it or not... Ok, I'm not really inspired today... Maybe one of these days... If I'm still breathing!!!

Prece Letra e música: Alain Oulman/ Pedro Homem de Melo Talvez que eu morra na praia Cercada em pérfido banho Por toda a espuma da praia Como um pastor que desmaia No meio do seu rebanho. Talvez que eu morra na rua E dê por mim de repente Em noite fria e sem luar E mando as pedras da rua Pisadas por toda a gente. Talvez que eu morra entre grades No meio de uma prisão Porque o mundo além das grades Venha esquecer as saudades Que roem meu coração. Talvez que eu morra de noite Onde a morte é natural As mãos em cruz sobre o peito Das mãos de Deus tudo aceito Mas que eu morra em Portugal. Fado interpretado por AMÁLIA RODRIGUES, um dos meus favoritos, que toca tanto na minha alma que até dói!!! É dificil quando alguém que não nós, chega ao mais profundo da nossa alma... e é assim com esta artista morta... Morta, corporalmente, a sua alma persiste em toda a obra que deixou no Mundo dos vivos...

Back on my blog, back on my online writing, back on settling down my ideas... It's still a part of the "Despair..." post. Maybe the part two... I am in the caffé, writing this, listening to someone talking. People joking, talking aloud, and I'm feeling lost on my own fear... "Fear of what?", you may be asking and I just have to keep my mouth shut, because I'm too scared to make the mistake of talking again... But now, it's too late!! I've talked too much and I may be chased 'till death. It's funny how people say they love each others, but when problems  around, they turn you their backs and forget that you exist... It's sad, but true and I'm trying to run away from something that I'm too scared to face!! What can I do?! How can I run away from this problem?! Just like I said before, if my voice shuts, it might mean I'm dead...

We all have an inner voice... Sometimes, we don't listen it and we don't do what we really wish to. It is, most of times, what makes us regret the past, the things that we could have done and that we have been too affraid of... Set your inner voice free, listen to it more often and you'll be way happier... Sometimes, it's the best you can do, eventhough you think things are gonna be too crazy... Don't be affraid!!! Go for it!!! I have had to learn that I gotta listen to my inner voice, because it may be my consciense talking. It may be our deepest desires coming up... And I did, I listened to my inner voice... And, now, I can say, I won!!!

Despair can take over us, even only for seconds, and it can really damage our soul and mind. I'm living in a despair of getting killed for a mistake... The mistake of talking!! I don't know... If my words shut down, perhaps I'm dead!!!

I have no inspiration to write today... Maybe it's a thing of one moment only, but it's what's happening. I am trying to write something down, I am trying to put down some words on here, but I simple can´t. Why am I'm even trying?! Why am I being stupid, thinking that I'll manage to write something down, when I'm lost on shitty thoughts? What for, then?! I don't know... And I'll keep in ignorance!!

I'm in the caffé... There's some people around, including the waiters, of course, and next to me is a guitar. It wouldn't be the first time that I would come into the caffé and one of the employers would be playing and singing. I'm sorry that I can't play and I'm wanting too much to listen. I look into the guitar and I think of fado, the way it touches my soul. "Man, pick up the guitar and play!!", and the afternoon goes by!!

Amália Rodrigues, died in October 6th, 1999... My fave singer. One of my twin Souls!!! Next Saturday, on October 6th, it'll make 8 years since Amália Rodrigues gone... She departed and her voice have shut forever. She's a great singer!! Yes, she is!! She's still alive on her fans, friends and family hearts, so she will never really die, while there are some souls which listens to her voice, while there are some souls which cries with her words, like I do. I've never had the luck to meet her, but I'm sure that, someday, I'll close my eyes to never open them again and we'll meet each other on the other side. Some people don't understand how can I worship Amália Rodrigues, but I grown up with her on my radio, a bit like a little pirate which was singing for me. At my home, people haven't heard much fado, but I came out broken, I do like of what my family dislikes, I like of many things that some people might consider weird, stupid or disgusting. Well, i...

Not always, things gotta have a name, or a title... If I am going to write something that I don't even know what is it, I can't give it a title... I'm just trying to find out answers for everything, and I don't find out a single answer for anything... I'm affraid, like once I heard, by my smile, which seems each day farther... Only a couple of things help and I've been away from them lately: my friends and my art!!! I will not be running anymore, or I don't plan to!! Maybe one day I'll see the light... Or maybe, I'll keep blind!

It´s quite funny to watch how people judge you only for a matter of "styles"... Nowadays, we can´t talk much about styles, but about life styles. Well, it's stilll quite funny to hear people saying that I'm tired, when I'm feeling great with all the darkness inside of me. I know, the "out view" is quite important, but I don't feel it like being all of me. Ok, I admit, I'm not very well, I'm feeling empty inside, melancholic... I don't know! I fail to understand myself... I'm sorry, I'm not OK, so don't ask me for beautiful words... Emptiness... Sadness... Melancholy... A bit of Fado would help me, but it's Dani Filth who's singing on my mp3... Funny thing, I used to feel powerful when I heard this guy... But this emptiness is not helping!! Nothing does!! After yelling at my mother, I took an anti-depressant, a pill that I wasn't supposed to take... I drank alcohol... I'm wanting to get drunk, or highed... Sto...

Searching For Inexistance... Such a joke wich came into my mind!!! How can I look for something wich doesn't exists?! But this is a relative concept... I'm looking for the emptiness that I used to feel once, I'm looking for something wich is called of memory! I need sometimes to feel like dead... Lay down on the ground, with my arms wide open, looking to the sky and just relax... Stupid soul, wich feels soooo much the things, of so sensitive it is... I have a very fragile soul, maybe as any of those artists that I worship, as someone has told me before, but I don't wanna be compared to anyone. I am what I am and I'm proud of it, I am proud of being what and who I am, I am proud of myself... I would like to turn out as a shadow, just a little shadow in the memory of someone, wich I walked in front of... I would like to, I swear!!! Maybe someday I walk into the caravans of life and nobody else will ever see me again... Dreams... Free words, in a notebook wich I don...