Angel Alucard

Time goes by and there are wonderful things... Like this voice!! I used to be able to wear my voice like this, but then, it came tobacco!! And getting cold!! And being sixk a few times, drinking cold drinks, or eating ice-creams... I m trying to be able to do this again!! Even I am a guy, I have the right to do what I've been given the chance to!!

Sometimes, when melancholy hits me, I feel tempted to listen to songs like this. And today, after have gone to Decathlon store in Sintra and after looking to the mount with the palace on the top, covered in really dark clouds, with some rain falling and strong cold wind, I felt a lil bit melancholic... I like days like this, but it always happens that some melancholy comes through me and makes me feel a lil bit with a cold "thing" in my chest. I'm pretty way creative in days like this, I write more, I used to paint more, I sing more... And I feel more!! That's the important thing!! And I remember qhen I visited the palace of Queluz with my teachers, yet on school time. When we came to its gardens, when I walked side by side with my teacher, my hands in my pockets and just our voices, our steps, the statues, the bushes and the sunny afternoon... I need to get some friends and go for it someday!! I really need to!!

Back to the past?? Or just wandering through life's memories, to help to heal the future and the present?? Like I do with hash, or weed smoking, I try to make life's better or easier, but it's a thing of a moment! But it's great that I've had gone to get this songs on youtube! I think of the past... I live life in a "fiesta" , something like an every night's party, in café with my friends, in the streets, in my imagination. Laugh, still am the melancholic thing, but different now. I've learnt to deal with my humour changes, I've learnt not to make a drama of each and evry situation, learnt to be more patient, learnt to know that everything has a place and a time, some things can't be changed or hurried up. It's better... But I think it won't be good anytime!

This is a typical Summer day... Lots of Sun, the air is too HOT, I feel like melting. I was supposed to be happy, right?? People feel depressed on Winter, due to rain, the lack of Sun and so on... Well, I am not that happy!! I feel I am unable to be really happy!! I am in the cyber shop I use to come lately to be a little in the internet to write down on my blogs, to see my friends pictures or to talk to some of them. At my side, there's a guy who seems to foccused on the computer to notice I am looking at him sometimes. There were a couple in some computers out there, who the guy looks at me so many times, that it seems he's interested in me. Today I am trembling all over, I got a heartache since I woke up, I barely eated... Sometimes, lots of times, I feel tired of this life, of this existence and nothing saeems to help, nothing seems to cease pain away... I cant´t explain how do I really feel!! It's like if I had an iceberg inside my chest, like if loneliness was a knigh...

I am feeling empty... Not exactly well... Not exactly bad... Empty!! How can I define this?? This is like a good feeling that if I wasn't here in this moment, it wouldn't matter where I would be!! I am not in the right mood to write... A couple days ago, I read something about bipolar people and about some artists, including two poets from Portugal, my country, and they said it was needed them to be in such a huge euphoria or in such a huge depression, if they wanted to create... Weel, I recognise some signs of bipolarity in me, but I don't know if I am really bipolar, or if I am just with a humour changing crisis. I need to check psychiatrist, before ever doing anything related to bipolarity... Just needed to write down a few lines... It's hot out there... I don't want to be burnt by the sun...

div> I had a rose of fire Burning in my heart Fate won it gambling In days which already left Red rose of hope, Oh this colourless hours Why do you come, memory, As a sin of love? I'm tired of my tired steps, I haven't gave of getting tired I carry heavy on my arms The rest of dreams to the sea I had a rose of fire burning in my heart Fate won it gambling In days the already gone!! This is the translation of the poem of the fado that's playing!! I hope you like it as much as me. I wish you're able to understand why did I feel so much my soul... That might be the sadest way to explain the huge passion the kills my soul... The passion, the hunger of living, but the obsession of Death!! It hurts me a lot! And I couldn't be really happy, if it was any different!!

Lately, it's hard for me to see old pictures. It's hard for me to think on someone I love, because lately I realise my friendships are loves too bigs to be felt like a simple friendship. People in my life are my loves!! I love them so hard that I feel despair just thinking about them! The sea is another HUGE love of mine!! The rain, that's right now falling out there, that leaves an awesome smell of wet earth and wet cement, due to the city, is my obsession, I love walking the streets while it's raining, feeling the rain in my face, in my hair, weting my body!! Everything, lately, can be related to a sexual desire, to a sexual touch on my body... The simple massage a friend of mine did on my neck last night could be done in a sexual content, but in the middle of the café, just because my neck hurts over two weeks. I can't explain... In my Facebook, two minutes ago, I saw my tagged pictures, by a friend of mine profile, old pictures, of old smiles, of old laughs and ...