Decisions need to be made soon
The title seen above, is the title of the song that is playing in my Spotify right now. Karunesh has been one of the very few artists that has been able to apease my soul lately.
Things have been crazy for me on a mental level. I am constantly craving attention from others. So much, that I end up being annoying and it doesn't really matter how hard I try, I can't help it but to message acquaintances, just because it seems to be much easier to talk to them than with friends. If they even bothered to reply to my messages.
My mind has been a very messy place to be. Thoughts come and go, spin and spin. A few days ago, I thought that I should perhaps getting mentally evaluated. I am aware that the way that anxiety attacks me, making me go on sprees of following and unfollowing people on social media (I do that with hundreds and sometimes, thousands of people) isn't normal, not even healthy. I notice some very obvious and strong signs of depression, that might be harder to fight if I drag it.
My mind has been a very dark place. Yet, I am still on the school at night, despite all this madness of Corona (Covid 19), I'm still hanging onto that. My mind hasn't been an easy place to be at, but I am still doing instead of saying that I'm trying. Funnily enough, recently I started following some of those accounts of motivation on Twitter. There is a common point on each and every one of them: "don't wait for inspiration, just do it! "; "make plans, write them down and nd settle for them", et cetera. Last Friday, in one of my classes, one of the works we had to do was exactly to choose phrases that we felt adequate to our organizational methods and our way to focus on stuff. The same phrases from the motivational accounts, were on the PowerPoint that our professor presented to the class. And seeing this on a class, coming from a work of a professor, shed a light that Twitter accounts couldn't. So it is about time that I use that light and work towards my plans.
I know it has been a while since I last wrote here. I have planned on first writing a draft by hand, then working on the text and finally typing it here. I have even planned on "closing" this blog: I would leave only the last post without any time list that would allow people to find older posts and I'd write a nice goodbye text with a link to some other place. Maybe still on blogspot, perhaps migrating to a new platform and trying out my luck with that. I might still do that. However, I have also decided to be the most honest possible, in my personal spaces, including social media, so that I wouldn't need any alter egos to share my kinkiest and dirtiest thoughts, to share my nudes and such. No one is forced to open whatever I publish.
Perhaps, the future is different from now on this same platform. Perhaps, I'll start all over again, because I don't have the energy, nor the patience required to fix this blog with years of rants, to put the right labels on the right place.
Soon enough, I hope to have made a decision. Perhaps the best of them. Perhaps the worst. But a decision has to be done sooner than later.
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