In the edge of the world

I am running to the edge of the world. Running to a very lonely place, where there is no one to look at, no one to talk to.
I am crossing the line of boredom and apathy. It matters not. Not anymore. People can't see the pain hiding behind my eyes. People can't understand my actions. It matters not. I am running to the edge of the world... alone! All alone!
I am the pain of lonelines and the loneliless in pain. Who am I?! What the fuck am I?! Nothing, but ash and dust; nothing but dust and ash.
I have been struggling with my feelings and with my need to write / type anything down. It took my almost one month to face the reality of the death of a friend (I cried when I got the new, I have cried in the funeral, but not I am realizing that I'll never ever see him again). It took me a lot of struggling to be able to sit down, quiet and peacefully, listening to my precious artists (or to some of them) and to finally managing to write down anything. It took me so much pain and despair and even later on, I don't have any guarantee that I will be able to write any poem or anything at all.
I am running to the edge of the world. And the edge of the worl is a very lonely place. It's even lonelier when we choose our own loneliness.
Let me vanish in the night and to sing my sad lullabies.
I'll turn into the God I dreamed I was. Once in a while, they're still living and praying in front of old temples and statues. Once in a while, they're still looking for my comfort. The same comfort that I am unable to give to myself. But, once in a while, they're still seeking for my own despair. They want as much pain and despair as they can get, so that they can get the feeling of being alive. This is kind of a very masochist way of living, but that is what I do to myself. Why would be my characters any different of me?!
And my poetry?! What about the feelings I continuosly say that I despise, such as love, but I keep writing about them?! May this be what I am unconsciously seeking?!
I am running to the edge of the world. I am vanishing. I feel lost and trapped on a very evil and twisted game. Maybe, somewhere in this cosmos or in any other dimension, a very, very mean God is playing twisted games, testing His Holy colours or pens.
I am running to the edge of the world and soon I might fall into the great and dark abyss.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Loucura - há algumas horas atrás

Às vezes, poderia ter cinquenta blogs, com identidade desconhecida, com identidade patente. Poderia passar por cinquenta espaços diferentes e, ainda assim, não conseguir escrever sobre o que quero. Ainda assim, ser incapaz de escrever as palavras que me assombram, de dizer a verdade que tem de ser dita. Há umas horas atrás, iniciou-se uma certa mudança em mim. Nessas mesmas horas, apoderei-me de outro nome, outra vertente de uma outra existência. Se as coisas, por vezes, não fazem sentido, que se foda! Interessa que faça sentido para mim, que eu saiba o que digo, ao que me refiro. Interessa que, o que sinto, transpareça, sem muito compromisso. Há umas horas atrás, a noite fria presenciou algo, por esquinas, por becos escuros e húmidos, a cheirar a urina, que não imaginei alguma vez que fosse. Há horas atrás, morreram algumas certezas. Há algumas horas atrás...
Read more

The Blessing and the Curse of Technology

Technology is a blessing. And a curse. I am typing this message inside a very full bus. Few seats and not that much space for people doing this long hour trip on their feet. I am deactivating the cell phone's browser and Google Chrome, as I am sticking with Brave and have been for a while. And this process has been kinda painful: Google Chrome is the most used web browser and as most cell phones are part of Android universe, it's more than natural. However, it hands me a little too many ads and trying to read anything is almost certain that I'll end up hitting a surprise pop up ad. My cell phone is a Redmi, which gives me Mi Browser as a default. And although Mi browser blocks some commercials, it still allows pop ups; trying to see something on YouTube still gives me ads, despite the ad block. And although I'd like to use the easiness of Chrome or being faithful to Mi Browser, Brave wins. Wins because you block ads, because it blocks cookies without having websites ask...
Read more

The Idan Raichel Project com Ana Moura: "Sabe Deus"

Image
Directamente de Israel, chega-nos esta música, com a participação da sempre linda Ana Moura. Não poderia deixar de sentir o orgulho e a honra de tudo isto, de toda esta música, que me tocou a alma desde o momento da descoberta. Viaja a minha alma por terras de Além. E pela terras de Além (aonde, minha gente, mora a minha alma?), a minha alma sofre por estes cantos, a minha alma sofre por estes sentimentos. E sem bem saber como, a minha alma procura um jeito de desvincular-se de tanta coisa... Hoje, talvez seja a noite. Ou a manhã. E daí, talvez não... Tenho ponderado no encerramento dos meus blogs. Coisas temporárias, porque quero corrigir erros ortográficos, erros gramaticais... e escrever, entretanto, sem que isso implique que seja por aqui. Hoje, talvez seja a noite. Ou a manhã. Ou talvez não.
Read more