Angel Alucard

...things aren't what they're looking like! "Oh! He's lying..." No, I am not lying; I am just hiding certain truths from certain people! Not everyone deserves to know some stuffs, others don't deserve to know other stuffs! Oh... And people wait to know the good news and they're not popping out! The good news are not popping out! Oh... And it rains and I let my secrets go away with the rains: hoping for a bit of the sea, but it's been impossible to be in the beach. I want to fly away and let my secrets vanish, to turn into dust, into ashes taken by the wind... More than never, I am feeling with a sword over my chest! More than ever before, I am feeling like the secrets were cracking and like if they were about to fell down over my head! No one knows what's going within my mind, when I am laughing looking the far horizon! No one knows what I am feeling, when I am crying out loud (no one can see my tears). No one seems to care if things are ...

  ...what I do feel and what I am! I have shared this song and the lyrics, a few months ago! This song is quite too much of what I truly am! This song is quite too much of my soul... Being crazy and insane, trying to simply being ourselves, walking up and down the streets, feeling our lovers' arms around us, but people still not understanding and not caring to try to understand! Especially our lovers, that should be the first ones to care to try to understand us, that should try to make us feel the most comfortable as possible, when we're being insane!   Here comes my soul... And here comes my soul begging for more songs like this... Begging for the creation to never stop being such a pleasure...   Loca... loca, loca, loca... :)

Aqui está uma realidade, especialmente para quem "lida de perto" com os sentimentos, com a vida lá fora, com um mundo repleto de tantos sentimentos destes! Quem lida com drogas, no dia-a-dia (podes nem consumi-las, mas, mesmo à distância, elas consomem-te!), quem lida com "observações" constantes, quem se sente perseguido na rua, na noite, na vida... Sem mais palavras, é isso aí!! ;)

That wicked thing that I have to use to help me to listen, started "acting up". It seemed to be filtering the sounds, then it filtered simply the voices and when I did spoke a bit louder, it gone dead. I made the man of the store laugh when I said that I am not used to be a deaf anymore. I'm not completely deaf, but still listened very bad. The sounds were gone... some of the most ordinary sounds, like the cars' tires being scratched by the road, the rain in the umbrella or in the window... Some sounds that people doesn't realise anymore, as they're used to them or some of those people doesn't care about those sounds. I have gone to see what's wrong and I have been warned that it might be water bubbles, due to humidity, cold weather, hot air inside malls, cafés, etc. The next time this happens, I have to turn the hearing aid off, take it off and hit it... softly... poor me, needing to be violent to anyone or anything! My mood isn't any better... ...

knowing that there's nothing too much which's going to change! I do know that, although Sundays are bored, I am getting a week full of nothingness! I am trying to get people to chat/text with, but it seems a hard task. I am trying to allow time to pass faster until the Christmas week (and it's not due to Christmas), but it's an impossible task, unlçess I get distracted with pleasant thing in the meantimes! Here comes another week of thinking a little bit too much: I will think in my mistakes, in the things that I have done wrongly, in the things that I should do and that I am not doing. But well, I cannot stop days from passing by: all i could do is to put an effort on the task to change things, but still not doing such thing. Until when?

in a friend's birthday party! We've been in the middle of the fields, with a bonfire to warm up! The rain's started hitting hard and then we've moved to a place where the rain did not touched us, but it was cold! JR's 23rd birthday, so she deserved the presence of the people who were there, eventhough I didnt't liked some of them! Eventhough I didn't knew most of the people who were there!! But JR's deserved that I have decided to spend my night with her and her grilffriend! She deserved that I have taken this night to stay out and although my mum is truly pissed off at me today, JR deserved that I am now passing through this! She's been in my life for 5 or 6 years now and I have to be honest that I wouldn't expect that she would want my presence there: I like JR quite a lot, but I have never realised of how much she liked me. And that's a reason for me to feel happy: people come and go, but real friends come and never leave again, even if we...

withouth any special reason is the most precious! Typing just because you'd feel the urge to let things come out of your soul... singing just because the soul is singing... dancing with the wind, just because your soul feels like it... doing things without a single reason for doing them is the most precious way of doing things! And if you create as a soul saver, you'll know what I'm talking about!

Que um dia serás meu! Porque, se te vejo de madrugada pelas ruas, sei que um dia virás ter comigo: talvez  sejas o meu assassino; talvez venhas a ser o que mais anseio, desde há alguns anos: o meu amante perfeito! Quem sabe?! Apenas tu, as tuas acções e o tempo o ditarão!

Porque te escrevo e porque te vejo, então, no mesmo espaço que eu. Mais do que o teu carro! Mais do que uma visão fugaz do mesmo a passar! Tu ali, onde eu regresso depois de escrever! Os meus amantes envolvem-me nos seus braços, sussurram-me coisas imperceptíveis aos ouvidos e eu imagino os teus abraços prendendo os meus braços, a tua boca calando a minha, na loucura dessa hora, o teu corpo a queimar o meu, no desejo de mais do que aquele momento a sós... E aqui me fico a fantasiar contigo, com coisas que considero impossíveis. E vejo, então, que se algo de mau acontecer entre nós, se as coisas descambarem e derem merda da grossa, estou completamente lixado: as pessoas que tu conheces... Não tenho, eu, qualquer protecção, se isso acontecer! Loucura... Mas eu quero-te... E fecho-te no meu claustro de ansieades... E levo-te no cela do meu coração onde quer que vá, com quem quer que vá, és tu e sempre tu quem está presente na minha alma... O teu sorriso... o teu sorriso não é mais o sorri...

  Continuo a "ver-te" por aí. Se não te vejo a ti, vejo o teu carro estacionado nesta ou naquela rua! Se não vir o teu carro estacionado, vejo-te a passar nele. A tua presença restringe-se a isso agora: a visões fugazes do teu carro, em que já nem a honra de te ver a ti tenho. E sei que isto vai continuar a ser assim, sei que, por muito que me doa, vou continuar a fugir disto ou daquilo, tudo numa vaga e vã esperança de que, algum dia, sejas meu! Mentira! Impossível!   Sei que posso fugir para onde quer que seja, mas tu andarás sempre no meu coração. Esta ferida que se abre sempre que algo, como isto de ver o teu carro, acontece, sempre que tenho a sensação de ser seguido por este ou aquele carro, especialmente quando me parece o teu carro, será a única coisa que se fechará, que terminará se eu sair desta cidade. O medo, a ansiedade estranha, os meus devaneios, a minha vida a 1000 km/h, como se fugisse de algo, como se tentasse alcançar algo... Tudo isso só se resolverá quand...

Sempre a dizer que não àquilo que realmente quero! Sempre a dizer que não, a renegar o desejo, pela má imagem que eu vejo quando estou em frente ao espelho. Sempre a dizer que não, porque tenho, neste momento, nojo de mim mesmo! Como posso esperar que alguém queira e force a situação, quando a minha vontade é de dizer: NÃO, NÃO, NÃO!???

It hits me quite often. Especially since we got into Autumn/Fall (depends on how you call this season). Sadness covers my face, clouds my eyes and thoughts. And you... Always you! I have seen your car yesterday. I have seen T.'s car yesterday. MAybe you were both at P.'s house, something that i have thought across the night, as the sleep was not coming over. I wish I could care less about when I see anything related to you, but it seems to be an impossible task. I can not care less or even to be careless about you, your presence, your existance. I love you and I will always love. Whatever has happened between the two of us (or what hasn't even happened!) doesn't really matters, since I am sure and aware of this love, kinda obsession! Sadness... It makes me see the most beautiful images, between the destruction! Feeling... Truly feeling... Allowing me to see in this Autumn/Fall scenery, beautiful images, making me create beautiful paintings in my mind. Allowing me to...

Com as coisas que faço, com a vida que vivo e com as pessoas com quem lido! por vezes, parece que é mentira toda  verdade de um momento! Sonho-me, tantas vezes, parecido com a minha amada avó materna: mulher do campo, saia e lenço na cabeça! Sou homem, no entanto, orgulhoso de o ser e reconheço em mim, traços do meu avô. Quando eu sair deste mundo, um dia, espero que haja uma grande festa, depois de todas as lágrimas! Que fumem muitas ganzas e que bebam toda a Tequila possível! Apenas aí estarei em paz... apenas então, todos os sentimentos, todas as ânsias e todas as saudades farão sentido! Enterrem-me de pé, para continuar a curtir a loucura que há cá neste mundo! Cremem-me e lancem-me ao vento: seguramente encontrarei o caminho para o mar e/ou para o deserto! qualquer das opções é válida! E quem me dera entender o meu sentir e esta escolha de palavras!

And raining hard! Left home without nan umbrella, because we was having a sunny afternoon and then, it started raining: first, a soft rain, then it started hitting hard! I have been in the café, bought rolling papers (I bet you can guess what I want such papers for), then thought: what if I kept the money that's left? I realised that I was wanting and needing to go to the Internet. Needing to type anything down! Needing to say something!! It's raining again... The blue sky, turned into a grey/yellow mixture, as the sun was being "killed" by the clouds, then it turned completely grey. the rain hasn't waited mfor too long until it shows up! The rain has waited for too long, but it's been so good... Walking under the rain drops, feeling them hitting my face, leaving my clothes wet. It always worths the walk under the rain. I wish I ws in the beach, right now, with a playlist in my mobile that I would create for that purpose only, feeling the sea's words! Th...

Não estaria simplesmente a ouvir a música, mas a sentí-la! Mas parece que nunca fará muito sentido... Acho que poucos podem sentir as coisas deste jeito: o que os sentem, estão longe ou mortos!

things simply keep going the way they have always been going: sadness, depression hits from times to times and the way I find to heal my mind is by gettin' truly high and pervert! I can touch myself, wank 20 times a day, see porn movies or pictures! I don't paint anymore... I do try to draw, from times to times, but the result doesn't suits me: I need to study a bit more! I write and I try to be as honest as possible, but still the result doesn't pleases me: I keep trying and, from times to times, I can get the result, get the idea turned into action, until I delete stuffs! Then I turn pervert: I don't have such a crazy sexual life as I have had previously, but I do still have crazy fantasies! What remains, is the interest: men! Everything remains the same! My interests, my ideas, what has changed, has been the action! 

porque já tentei escrever em dois dos meus três blogs e nada consigo escrever! Há dias em que o meu maior desejo é ser brindado com uma inspiração divina na maior parte do meu tempo: criar seria tão fácil e necessário como respirar e tudo o resto, na vida, que outros consideram essenciais não valeria de nada!

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The room is dark! The silence reigns and it's only broken by your breathing in my neck! I am naked in the bed and I did believed I was alone... I get up and go to the window. The bed is now empty. It was just a dream! I lighten up a cigarette and I let myself go in this madness of minutes! Now, the night is chilling outside! Almost dinner time and I am fantasizing about a conversation that I am going to have in December: I do fantasize with fantastic options for that same conversation! I do fantasize with fantastic options for waht that man is going to say to me! I know that we don't really know each other, but still have some stuffs in common. He was the only person that I have thought about, when I have been in the hospital, two years ago. You? You are and you will always be my love! All the others? They'll be simple fantasies to me, that'll never work good enough, that'll never be good enough! And only you (and it's not you who are going to talk with me ...

While walking down the barely empty street, a certain song appeared in my mind! I started humming it, while I kept walking down the street! A cop, at a pharmacy's door, stared at me with mean eyes. An old man, stared me in a way that seemed he was going to kill me! My mood is not the best, but definitely, things are Ok! Maybe not mentally, nor spiritually, but physically things are better than ever before! This song accompanied me all day long! I have had the need to come to the Internet, just to listen the music. my very old computer wrecked. And even if it were working, I could never read DVD's in my CD's reader. My laptop is still waiting to be fixed, what means that I can't extract the musics from my DVD's and this one is, for sure, inside those same and wicked DVD's! My mood is not the best... My mood hasn't been the best for a few months, now! I imagine an Austrian garden, with it's woods surrounding me, falling leaves dance around me with the ...

Em tempos penso que haveriam certas coisas que seria melhor que nunca tivessem sido ditas. outros tempos houveram em que quis apagar tudo o que escrevi, rasgar tudo o que pintei e desenhei (e fi-lo com as minha pinturas e desenhos antigos, de quando era uma criança e, posteriormente, um adolescente). Pensei também que seria melhor esquecer os meus sonhos e largar algumas pessoas da minha vida... Simplesmente largá-las e deixá-las ir! Com algumas dessas pessoas, já o fiz, embora sinta a falta delas. Mas não mora, no meu coração, qualquer tipo de remorso ou de arrependimento. Outras mantive, na esperança de que mudassem, de que fizessem valer a pena manter essa amizade de anos: as pessoas têm atitudes erráticas, desiludem-me (não quer dizer que eu não faça nenhum dos dois) e fazem-me arrepender de as manter como amigas... Neste triste fim de tarde, apercebo-me de que, a solidão, pode ser a minha maior maldição, mas de que o meu direito de escolha entre estar sozinho ou aceitar ceder o lu...