I am no longer in that place of the past.

 

Back in the day, I used to worry a bit less, care a bit less, yet I still thought a little bit too much. Back in the day, I also used to wish it was everything different: me, people around me, life. Back in the day, I used to wish I was someone else, I wish I loved someone else, I wish I wished someone else.

I gave you a little of myself. I gave you the end to your curiosity, I gave you your first experience with a man, I gave you me whole. I kept on saying "no, no and no" and you kept on insisting "come on, show me what you can do". You're younger and I am older, you are (or were?) a straight boy and I am a gay man. I gave you whatever you wanted and got a big nothing in return. It's OK, I'm not expcting anything either way.

I used to publish pictures taken from the Internet and I used to don't worry about it. Then came a time that I started worrying about what others would say about me. I would worry about what others would think. Then here i am again: Sharing old pictures and I may as well share new ones. Because back in the day I used to worry less and give others what they expected to be the good version of myself, however I am a bit too old to worry so much with what others think or say and I am also a little too tired to give everything to others without anything in return.

I think about you sometimes. Some other times, like this afternoon, I see you. In my mind, your naked body. The same body that I felt under my hands, while you moaned of your pleasure inside of my mouth. Then, my thought goes through her: you start talking to her, perhaps without imagining how close she possibly thought we were. Your connection was terminated and I have had you once more, after telling you it was about time to end our encounters and your desire finished inside of me.

Three years ago, my world crumbled. Four years ago, our connection began. Our connection is weaker than my world was and we are nothing to each other. Today, my text serves to share this image, to shwo what I have already wished I was. Today, I know I am right by being myself and right in the right place. Perhaps, some things could be different, but I wouldn't fight to be someone else, neither will I fight to hide myself. In the end, I sleep well at night knowing who I am and what I do to myself and this is all that matters.