I am no longer in that place of the past.

 

Back in the day, I used to worry a bit less, care a bit less, yet I still thought a little bit too much. Back in the day, I also used to wish it was everything different: me, people around me, life. Back in the day, I used to wish I was someone else, I wish I loved someone else, I wish I wished someone else.

I gave you a little of myself. I gave you the end to your curiosity, I gave you your first experience with a man, I gave you me whole. I kept on saying "no, no and no" and you kept on insisting "come on, show me what you can do". You're younger and I am older, you are (or were?) a straight boy and I am a gay man. I gave you whatever you wanted and got a big nothing in return. It's OK, I'm not expcting anything either way.

I used to publish pictures taken from the Internet and I used to don't worry about it. Then came a time that I started worrying about what others would say about me. I would worry about what others would think. Then here i am again: Sharing old pictures and I may as well share new ones. Because back in the day I used to worry less and give others what they expected to be the good version of myself, however I am a bit too old to worry so much with what others think or say and I am also a little too tired to give everything to others without anything in return.

I think about you sometimes. Some other times, like this afternoon, I see you. In my mind, your naked body. The same body that I felt under my hands, while you moaned of your pleasure inside of my mouth. Then, my thought goes through her: you start talking to her, perhaps without imagining how close she possibly thought we were. Your connection was terminated and I have had you once more, after telling you it was about time to end our encounters and your desire finished inside of me.

Three years ago, my world crumbled. Four years ago, our connection began. Our connection is weaker than my world was and we are nothing to each other. Today, my text serves to share this image, to shwo what I have already wished I was. Today, I know I am right by being myself and right in the right place. Perhaps, some things could be different, but I wouldn't fight to be someone else, neither will I fight to hide myself. In the end, I sleep well at night knowing who I am and what I do to myself and this is all that matters.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Loucura - há algumas horas atrás

Às vezes, poderia ter cinquenta blogs, com identidade desconhecida, com identidade patente. Poderia passar por cinquenta espaços diferentes e, ainda assim, não conseguir escrever sobre o que quero. Ainda assim, ser incapaz de escrever as palavras que me assombram, de dizer a verdade que tem de ser dita. Há umas horas atrás, iniciou-se uma certa mudança em mim. Nessas mesmas horas, apoderei-me de outro nome, outra vertente de uma outra existência. Se as coisas, por vezes, não fazem sentido, que se foda! Interessa que faça sentido para mim, que eu saiba o que digo, ao que me refiro. Interessa que, o que sinto, transpareça, sem muito compromisso. Há umas horas atrás, a noite fria presenciou algo, por esquinas, por becos escuros e húmidos, a cheirar a urina, que não imaginei alguma vez que fosse. Há horas atrás, morreram algumas certezas. Há algumas horas atrás...
Read more

The Blessing and the Curse of Technology

Technology is a blessing. And a curse. I am typing this message inside a very full bus. Few seats and not that much space for people doing this long hour trip on their feet. I am deactivating the cell phone's browser and Google Chrome, as I am sticking with Brave and have been for a while. And this process has been kinda painful: Google Chrome is the most used web browser and as most cell phones are part of Android universe, it's more than natural. However, it hands me a little too many ads and trying to read anything is almost certain that I'll end up hitting a surprise pop up ad. My cell phone is a Redmi, which gives me Mi Browser as a default. And although Mi browser blocks some commercials, it still allows pop ups; trying to see something on YouTube still gives me ads, despite the ad block. And although I'd like to use the easiness of Chrome or being faithful to Mi Browser, Brave wins. Wins because you block ads, because it blocks cookies without having websites ask...
Read more

The Idan Raichel Project com Ana Moura: "Sabe Deus"

Image
Directamente de Israel, chega-nos esta música, com a participação da sempre linda Ana Moura. Não poderia deixar de sentir o orgulho e a honra de tudo isto, de toda esta música, que me tocou a alma desde o momento da descoberta. Viaja a minha alma por terras de Além. E pela terras de Além (aonde, minha gente, mora a minha alma?), a minha alma sofre por estes cantos, a minha alma sofre por estes sentimentos. E sem bem saber como, a minha alma procura um jeito de desvincular-se de tanta coisa... Hoje, talvez seja a noite. Ou a manhã. E daí, talvez não... Tenho ponderado no encerramento dos meus blogs. Coisas temporárias, porque quero corrigir erros ortográficos, erros gramaticais... e escrever, entretanto, sem que isso implique que seja por aqui. Hoje, talvez seja a noite. Ou a manhã. Ou talvez não.
Read more