Angel Alucard

Quem sabe?! Espero conseguir ter a lucidez de espírito para implementar todas as mudanças necessárias à minha vida. Espero conseguir um pouco de paz de espírito. Espero conseguir respirar e dizer: " consegui! Custou, mas consegui! " Tenho pensado que, talvez, esteja na hora de mudar de direcção. Este blog pode passar a pertencer ao universo do sapo.pt. Talvez, este seja mais um devaneio inútil, que me atormentará por dias e dias, mas que, no final, manterá tudo por igual. Estive a pontos de expor misérias. Misérias pessoais e privadas. Mas estou cansado de tudo isso. Neste preciso momento, numa quase silenciosa loja de Internet indiana, pondero as palavras a escrever de seguida, tendo a consciência do quão perigosas ou poderosas elas são. Num computador ao meu lado, o me vizinho utiliza do mesmo serviço e fala ao telemóvel. Tento concentrar-me. Hoje tenho a consciência de que a vida, a "má sina", a "má sorte" de que padeço, têm sido um resultado único e ex...

Yep! Yep! That's right, gentlemen! Fuck it all! That's all I have to say  right now!

Já que pouco ou nada importa, porque não começar nos próximos dias? A actualização dos meus blogs, a limpeza do que não quero, a edição do que acho que está errado. Tenho-me entregue a sérios e profundos pensamentos. Como o de finalmente começar tudo isto e mais algumas coisas. Como o de batalhar seriamente na vida, como nunca antes batalhei, como de começar as fazer as coisas que eu considero certas, de ir atrás do que mais desejei e do que nunca ousei (tu não contas aqui). Antes batalhar, lutar, fazer, sofrer por falhar, do que sofrer por nem sequer ter tentado.

I went to do some necessary shoppings. It rains hard outside and the river near my house is almost dropping out. The wild ducks found safety on the grass. I hate to walk in seas of umbrellas - don't get me wrong, I love the rain and rainy days, both to walk outside and to stay at home doing anything pleasant enough for, I just hate have to walk a bit more slowly due to some people who seem to be naturally slow. Almost one month has passed by since a friend of purs has died and that has been the hell of a quick month. In the meantime, my mother has fell on her job and have had to stay at home since then. My mental sanity hasn't been the best, but I am putting an effort on staying well. I have been doing the somewhat of my part-time job in the cafe where I used to be a regular costumer for the last almost eight years (8 years?! Ha! I'm getting old here, peeps). The last times have been rough ones for my writings and for my drawings - yes, I am drawing again! I try, I...

I am running to the edge of the world. Running to a very lonely place, where there is no one to look at, no one to talk to. I am crossing the line of boredom and apathy. It matters not. Not anymore. People can't see the pain hiding behind my eyes. People can't understand my actions. It matters not. I am running to the edge of the world... alone! All alone! I am the pain of lonelines and the loneliless in pain. Who am I?! What the fuck am I?! Nothing, but ash and dust; nothing but dust and ash. I have been struggling with my feelings and with my need to write / type anything down. It took my almost one month to face the reality of the death of a friend (I cried when I got the new, I have cried in the funeral, but not I am realizing that I'll never ever see him again). It took me a lot of struggling to be able to sit down, quiet and peacefully, listening to my precious artists (or to some of them) and to finally managing to write down anything. It took me so much pai...

Ouvi o mar cantar. Na bravura da sua voz, a imensidão da noite. O sal. A noite. Eu e eles. Quantas vezes precisarei eu disto, até me aperceber de que isto sou eu? Quantas vezes precisarei de encontrar-me com o mar e com a noite, até me aperceber de que sou apenas uma gota desse imenso oceano, um ponto de luz no infinito e distante cosmos? Vi o mar nocturno. Ouvi a sua voz. E a minha alma fluiu. A minha alma fugiu-me do controlo. Podia jurar que alguém, alguma entidade caminhava na espuma das ondas enraivecidas. Vi o mar. Ali tão perto. E eu era do mar. E o mar - vã fantasia! - era meu! Senti a solidão assolar-me, pela primeira vez em vários anos, em que mentiras e desenganos têm sido suficientes. E senti a minha alma ser assolada por imensos... devaneios. Desejos de que tudo se alterasse e que eu fosse alguém completamente diferente. Senti a solidão dentro de mim. E era como as ondas tristes, batendo a areia da praia. E era como um imenso e devastador buraco negro na imensidão do Espaç...

[...]All I see are signs, all I see are Dollar signs [...] Rihanna "Pour It Up" I have "faced" a message on FetLife from a user who felt offended by my comment to his picture of his BMW car. He said that it was quite offensive to say that it's not needed to be rich or wealthy to have a car alike. It is an high maintenance car, so yes, it's needed to be wealthy or luxurious. About the other part of the message, that he does respects my (homo)sexuality but that he doesn't takes any compliments from men. I need to ask why is he on a Fetish website, with his pictures unlocked for everyone to see. He and countless other guys who are around here and keep saying that they don't want comments from men. It is quite easy to lock your pictures for your friends only to see or comment on your pictures. In fact, it's easier than on Facebook, more effective and even faster. There's surely the reason that you don't want to lose the ladies comments a...

To some people, it's hard to understand others' lives. It's not their business, but they keep fussin around, trying to know what's going on, what others are doing and why. I am always affraid and ashamed at some parts of my personality: I get nasty and kinky from times to times, I "hang" around some websites that if some people could see them, would judge, criticize and speak the shit out of their mouths. Shit out your brain and leave empty your skulls: they'll be the ornamentations of my dungeons. Speak all the shit you have to speak, as you try to figure out what I am typing about, I don't care. For 20 people who judge and criticize me and my life, there's one person in my life, loving me for being who I am, exactly the way I am and those are the people who really matter. Why am I writing such entry? Maybe because I am no longer on FetLife with this same nickname (AngelAlucard) and maybe because I am wearing the nickname of porn and disgra...

"Há maneiras incontáveis de dizer: "vai-te foder", mas o silêncio mantém o título.