The last few days...


The last weeks have been a mad thing. My aunt came to my house with her cat and it happens that both cats fight each other like mads. The old screen of my computer exploded for reasons that I am not mentioned and I am glad that I've been able to avoid a bigger noise at 5 a.m., right after I have arrived home. I am feeling depressed from times to times, but it's nothing that lasts too long to create the need of getting a more agressive escape.

On Thursday night, I went to the cafe like I usually do. I stayed there until the morning of Friday. I haven't slept much. Friday night, after a long, long night, with absinthe and liquor "Beirão" (a Portuguese brand of sweet liquor), I've had a dinner at a friends' house. We've spent most of the night smoking joints, some of the which big ones. The sleepless night, added to alcohol and hashish joints made me feel like being about to drop dead. And yesterday, a few joints at the noon and another one at night made it for me.

It's Sunday. The sun appeared and the temperatures are a bit higher. It finally seems Spring and it's a good day to be outside. I went for a small walk, to get some tobacco and to drink a coffee. I've texted a friend, who said that she would take one hour or so to appear and it has been more than hours by now. It's OK, we're possibly having our coffee at night. It's always nice to see her and to drink one coffee with her, no matter how long we're without seing or talking or even texting each other.
While walking down the avenue, I saw a friend with her baby daughter. The baby smiled to me and hid the face at the mom's neck. I came down the avenue smiling like a fool, for the simple gesture of the baby and for her simple smile.
I walk the streets. I take looks around and I take glimpses at people's facial expressions. Some smile. Others keep a long face. Some others, with their smile, have their lovers by their side. Or their friends. Maybe their kids. I see my friends moving on. They come out of a huge hole where they've been buried and rising up. They move their lives ahead, while I am still living the same shitty life, mostly due to my own fault. I feel sad. And it doesn't lasts for too long.

I fear that I am going crazy. I am possibly madened already. And it happens that I don't feel like having Alice telling me that the best people in the world are the crazy ones. In fact, if Alice would cross my way, she'd bow me with my skinny ass exposed and would slap my ass with a leather whip so hard that it would get black for weeks. She'd yell to me and would blame me and accuse me of my own sins and crimes. And she would be right.
When I am alone, late at night in the streets or when I am listening to my music at home. When I'm alone with my thoughts. When there's no one that I can use as a form of escapism. Those moments are no good. Those moments are no beautiful.

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