Angel Alucard

I have been here for so long without anyone who saw me... No, I don't mean someone who looked at me and even stared at me for hours, without really seing me. Someone who have been able to look, to see what goes inside of me.. And a certain someone finally did it, but those people seem determined to just use me and destroy everything I have to offer them... But here I am, fighting for my dreams, though some of them seem way far from being true. Internet can be really useful for many things, including for helping some dreams coming true... And once I'm here, I'll be searching for some things I really want and wish... Because virtual life isn't just for chatting on MSN, for blogging or for just doing shit around!!! I'm more, much more than that!!

I am outta control... I guess it's from the full moon. I wanna cry, laugh, scream, run like a mad, fly and a lot of other things... I am mixed with joy and sadness... I'm getting that tonight; it won't be easy to deal with me... Considering I am trying to find something where to grab to, for not falling on temptation ever again... I feel I'm going down in my depression... But am I really depressed? Or is it just a stupid feeling inside of me? I don't know, and though those phases of mine are just great for my creative "living", for my creative vein, for my creative soul, I know that I am just too lazy to sit down and paint or write, like a mad, or just softly... I am lost... I am doom... I am... what?!

[Lyrics by Anders Jacobsson, 2001] By day I sleep, at night I weep! O Death, come near me! Be the one for me, be the one who stays. My rivers are frozen, and mischosen, and the shadows around me sickens my heart. O Death, come near me, and stay (by my side). Hear my silent cry! In sadness I'm veiled, to the cross I am nailed, and the pain around me freezes my world. My cold world... In life I've failed, for years I've wailed. Frozen in time... left behind... The rapture of grief is all to find... The rapture of grief is all! Behind the shadow of life the lost hopes are grieving. I seek the night and hope to find love... So I drown in the silence of lifes short eternity. The tears fills the void in my heart astray... Embrace me now, delightful ease! Give me a world of wonderous peace! Calm the desperate scream in my heart! O Death, come near me, save me from this empty, cold world! O Life, you have killed me, so spare me from this couldron of misery! In life I cry, away I fl...

I still wonder why do the others still care about you... I still wonder why haven't you really gone... I still wonder why do you remain in their memories... I still wonder why do their memories affect me... I still wonder how can you be such a poser, such a loser and still anoy me... In my mind, you're nothing but a ghost, a dead guy(not man, because not even a man you are) and the dead no longer affect the living. Pseudo and poser: Are you still alive?! Checking the hi5 of a friend of mine (without more details), I found your girlfriend's hi5 account and there you were, with your fake-goth-pose, with your fake-goth-girl-pose, in a la-la-dreaming of gothic fairytale. Who the hell you think you are?! Damn, why don't you leave for ever?! Why do your ghost-screaming keep taking my sanity away, while you haunt their memories? I don't remember you, until I see a nearly-gone trace of you... Bastard, die... Bastard, go away... Bastard, you're nothing... Why do I even ...

I am a bit numb with a few things that have happened in my life on the last few months... Before, I fell lost and started with poetry... I am wishing to re-write some of my stories, which I lost when my computer broke down and I have been feeling lazy, so they're still only a part of my imaginary... I am wanting to start painting again, but the materials aren´t there yet and inspiration hasn't been that good... I started working about one week ago and I love my job at the restaurant, but now I am having some kind of "fight" with a work mate of mine and that makes me want to run away from my job one of those days, but I am still there... I am not a person of running away and I won't do that now... I am strong and strenght will remain... Strong outside, but my soul is so fragile, so weak... It's made of crystal and a simple bump can crash it into pieces... Well, let the metal and life roll on... Soon, I will be on the road with my project made real... And none ...