Angel Alucard

Yesterday, I said to a guy that someone in my past broke my heart so hard, that when I have chances to be loved, I just run away. I turn my back and walk away. I just can not open the gates to my heart anymore. Those barrieres I created around me are too strong. Someone penetrated them, but I fought and could make that person give up. Today, the reason for that barriers, shown up in my life, once again. Those eyes, settled in mine, again. That body, almost touched mine. That scent, entered my nose, invaded my soul. I saw him! He saw me! Does he loves me? Does he even reminds me? I would kill for him! I would die for him! I would take a shot or a stab for him! I would fly to the moon and return for him. So many years passed by and still I don't know how to let love come into my heart. So many years gone by and he is still the reason for the barriers around me. He still is the reason for the gates in my heart, locked and chained, so no one can penetrate it. My mind... My poor mind ...

It's strange how do we spend a whole file fighting to get something and when it's given to us, we run away from it. For a long while that I am alone, since I've fell in love with a guy... A terribly handsome guy, with the typical smile of the hunters... A guy who talked to me naked and drunk, for the very fisrt time, but that absorbed all of my soul in that same moment. Our second conversation, both serious and fun, but then he shown me myself without the shell and it was what made me love him. He could make me fly without the pot, just his addictive smile, his green eyes... Then, it came the end, because I've been nothing, but a hobbie for a few days. I believe that, despite the hate I felt in the following days, something of me remained in him... Now, a few years later, I still think of him. His smile still aunts my dreams. When I dream of faceless smile, it's his smile, his motherfucker look, his wicked body I see. Now... It actually had a guy who I met yeste...

Life, for example. People try to grab it as strong as they can, but it escapes through their fingers. Life and Time pass by and we can not buy them back. They go, they run and laugh at our faces. Lies!! Lot's of lies!! Nothing more, but lies!! Why are we always cheating on each others? What's the matter? what's the point? Tonight, though it's Christmas, I am not fine. I am in one of those nights I feel I am doing nothing on Earth's surface, I am feeling such a deep sadness, a deep melancholy, but I can not put on words all my feelings. I can not sa what's going inside my old soul. I read others' poetry, some people who are not published and then I look at mine and that's when I doubt of my abbilities. I start disliking my words, I start disliking my paintings, I start disliking so many things in me... And I try, try hard, try harder, but it seems nothing's good enough to my soul. I feel it in shattered pieces, like a lil bit of ash disperse in...

Sometimes, there's the feeling of loneliness between thousands of people, it's how I am feeling between my friends and their friends, at their house. I feel alone, I feel invisible, I feel like not belonging here... Sometimes, I wonder if I ever have belonged to this world? I see more than people, I see through them, I see their fears, I see their sad faces, when they wish to show up a radiant smile, I see the sadness and the fear in their eyes... I am not sleeping for the last nights, I sleep very few, I am full of nightmares... What's wrong here?? What's going wrong with me???

I wanna know where to go. I wanna know what to feel. I wanna know what I feel in this world... I wanna be able to write or paint down what my soul is feeling... No more emptiness... No more lonely nights... No more vain cigarettes... No more desires... No more dreams... Nightmares, that's all the has been left to me. Nightmares are constantly showing up!! That's all I can dream now... I try to dream of my land, that land I belong at... But there's nothing more left to dream...

It's funny how days go by, how years keep passing and I am looking for the same thing: beauty!! I find pieces of it, like in this sweet song... I got no words to write down... Just needed to share.

Time goes by and there are wonderful things... Like this voice!! I used to be able to wear my voice like this, but then, it came tobacco!! And getting cold!! And being sixk a few times, drinking cold drinks, or eating ice-creams... I m trying to be able to do this again!! Even I am a guy, I have the right to do what I've been given the chance to!!