Angel Alucard

One more night out, knowing it'll be another day of work tomorrow, though I don' care about my rest. I don't care... I really don't! One more night spent in the caffé, drinking, talkng, laughing, smoking, being what people call of bohemian... Being whatever it can be, but dong something to remind myself I am alive! I was happily happy *devilish giggle*. I went to a caffé I do love with a friend of mine and there were one of the guys of the caffé playing guitar and singing, with live music. It was splendid. I once wrote an entry on ths blog, while I was at their computer and I sddendly saw their guitar lid net to me. People singing... Laughing... Drinking... Having fun... And I, suddendly, falling apart in a depressive state of soul... Amália sings in one of her musics "La Fiesta sono é commenciata I é já finita" (The party just begun and it's already over) and it fits me well. That's why I avoid parties, nights at discos or bars or anything like that. ...

Here's Amália Rodrigues. She's my diva. The one I love, the one Imourn for when I wake up. I am listening to her songs, one of them called "Sombra" (Shadow). It's aout one decadent and dependent love. About when a woman gets addicted in one man, about the dawn as a healer for her wounds. Like if the moon was the antidote, made in one orane juie with moon powder. Amália take me into another dimensions, her voice goes too deep in my soul. I adore her. I am too highed to say anything without feeling ridiculous and patetic, but it's something I say, sobber or highed: AMÁLIA FOREVER!

It's a weird thing I always choose female images, when it's about anything. Well, it wouldn't be that weird if I wasn't a gay guy! By the way, I've been in such a depressive state of mind or of soul or of spirit, as you prefer to make the interpretation. It's almost like if I wasn't allowed to feel happy, satisfied, with a bigger hunger for life. I should be able to go out at night and feel good at a disco or a bar, be able to laugh quite easily, but Ihate the simple idea of enterng a bar or a disco, go to the dancefloor, mix with the "normal" human being, feeling my body being touched from all over, feeling those house style, trance or hatever it takes at he disco musics sounding out loud, making my brain jumping, like a little bit of salt in the fire. I do feel like a mad thing. I do feel like a crazy, like an eccentic stuff, unable to be happy. There's something which happens, when women are kidnapped by the bad guys, when they are rich an...

Though this is an image from "Jack The Ripper", it serves me quite well. I do ask if vampires exists, because I do wake up every morning feeling tired, my body hurting, like if I had been walking all night long. Sometimes, when I do not smoke weed at night, I do feel like my head was foggy, like I could barely see a few meters in front of me. It's like if I get hipnotised every night and go for walks in the city, like if something was calling me to the wild evrynight and it was sucking all my energy out. I do need answers. I do need rest. I do need PEACE! That's all I need to get.

I'm floating... I feel like a ballon that a child left to fly and with no destiny, but the infinity. The blue or the darkened sky. A tree. There's something within me, burning me out,making me falling, like a collapsing building. I feel like nothing could stop me. At the same time, I feel like I was needing lots of alcohol and weed to be able to stand eveything... It seems like everything was going to explode, like if I was going to blow up, to fly and then crash down... There's no right mood to be described right here and right now... There's no feelings... There's no joy... There's no sadness... There's no anger... Just a huge hole inside my chest! I need to walk... I need to feel the streets... The wind in my face... My mp3 playing out loud in my ears... The cars in the road... Passing people... The night... The moon shining far in the sky, lightining the darkest streets... I just need to walk, to listen to my songs and forget about the world, about th...

There's a girl who surprises me more and more... Her name is Elizabeth, she's a Greek girl, but she's my goddess. Despite I am gay, she's the one I'd fall in love with, if I could or if I had a chance. She's a girl I adore, the kinda friend I'd love to be able to hold for a lifetime. The kinda person that the more I know her, the more she surprises me. There's a lot of things about her I just love. There's many others that I will earn to hate.. But what can make me feel a little hate for her? I can not imagine anything for now... I read her first post on blogspot.com and reading the most recent ones, it's way too different from the person I know. Too "young", too fresh, still able to feel comfortable about the simple idea of human touch and warmt. She evolved with passing years. She turnt into a more secure woman. She's one of the most perfect beings I know. And she... She is just Elizabeth! http://indigojester.blogspot.com If you...

I am going crazy... Every single day that passes by, I believe more and more in that... I am more and more unstable. I smile as quick as I weep and yell. I walk as fast as I run. I scream as fast as I whisper. I mean, it's being a little bit chaotic... Fear... Despair... Sadness... Happiness... Joy... Too many things and one single brain... Going under? I don't think so! Maybe rising from my ashes, to fall again, and then again, to rise up... Over and over till my dying day. Till my departure day! And it's what makes of me what I am! :)

It's the time I start to listen to a song and suddendly I feel affraid of something. I can't explain what's scaring me away, till I feel chills on my bones. The Gazette are playing "People Error" on youtube and I do listen to this song over and over again causing me such chills and making me doing a trip to the inner of my soul. I feel I could go to the window, spread my wings and fly. Out there, the night is calling for me. The rain is falling strongly, but it's like a thousnad of fairies are caling for me. My dragon awaits. The moon wants to shine, but the clouds are covering her way. The city is like a maze, for me. It's like there's something awaiting for me. My lover? My killer? My guardians? My demons? Who knows? Suddendly, it won some kind of a crazy meaning inside of me... The chills goes on... The night doesn't stops... In two hours, I'll get up to go to work... But I am a bit scared of closing my eyes and going to sleep... Time to ...

It's the time to call the old times. It's the time I cry hard and feel nothing inside. Like an hollow tree, I feel empty inside, feelingless. Thetre's nothing to grab now. Things changed, places changed, even people changed. People themselves, people around me, people to deal with. I changed. It's sad, because I look back and there are they: happy, with no concernings, with no worries. I look in front and I see nothing. Blank, Black White, nothing... emptiness. That's all the left me. I fear I have lost them forever. I fear they have me forever. I fear I have lost my path and now it's too late to go back and fight. Thinsgs are really diferent. People, me, the world. Things changed. I have writen in my portuguese blog ( http://angelalucardpt.blogspot.com/ ) today, one entry, now I am writing here, as a mad. Because people who we deal with, in real life, in internet, through mobile calls or text messages, they have an influence in how we feel. ...

That's the way things are going lately. More than metal, my basis, but that I have so much to know about yet, I have heard more dark wave and dark electro, like Blutengel or E Nomine, and I have filled my mp3 with many of their stuffs I own on my laptop. I have heard so few Fado and so few Metal, that I have found myself strange. I have heard a few of chill out or new age songs, especially when I am ina Zen state, highed, has you wish. I have felt lately like a friend of mine said: "A mixture of hippie with goth". What means that I am a gothic hippie... O maybea hippie goth! Funny! My use of myspace has let me meet many amateurs bands, of metal, Hardcore, Grindcore, Industrial and such. Many good bands, ome of them with long curriculas, but that the lack of support makes them anonimous to most of the audience. I have been fine... Calm, more soft in many things... I have smiled a lot, lately! But I stillcannot avoid the feeling of defeat in the end of one more day!It's...