Angel Alucard

I wonder, for long hours, what am I doing here!!! I listen to the music within my head and it's calling me, it tells me to lay down in my coffin... Finally, peace... Or maybe not. It's just a desire, a suicidal desire within my mind, within my inner world!!! So, I'm here, typing those words, while I am listening to Tarja Turunen's new Single... Things happens for a reason and so did her departure of Nightwish. It served to prove herself, to Nightwish's crew and the fans themselves that she could do great alone!!! I'm here... She's there... Nightwish moved on and are still there... Everything and everyone moves on!!! And in the end of the night, all I want is to be laid in my coffin...

No, it's not the music from Bryan Adams! I am a bit lost inside the new CD of Tarja Turunen... It's amazing and it's a kick in the butt of all those who said that she would "die" out of Nightwish. She has a reason to keep all the old fans (like me) and to earn new fans. I am here in the wrong mood, but I'm surviving!!!

Tomorrow I'll be gone from Cacém, for a few days... I'll be visiting my grand dad at his house, in Northern Portugal, about 400 km´s from here. I love my grand dad, though I don't enjoy talking to him by phone, cause I miss him, just by listening to his voice and not being able to see or touch him. I love the old tiny village where he lives... I have grown up in cities, but villages are great for me, especially if they're almost desert, like my grand dad's. I'll be gone for a few days, but I'll be back in 4 or 5 days... To all those people who likes and still believe in X-mas, I wanna wish you a merry Christmas(X-mas). I don't know if I'll be able to surf the web before new year's season, so I wanna wish you a Happy New Year too!!! Away for a few days... Away from Cacém... God, it'll be Paradise!!!

I am lost... A bit wordless and then, I can't define what am I feeling, though I'm checking some of my feelings out... Lost and lost, and only then I can find myself... I don't know...

I still wonder about  some things... Stupidity annoys me a lot!! It's incredible how people always forgive and await for that someone who has decided to run away from his/her responsabilities, while I'm hating that same guy, for the time he made me waste!!! People also enjoy making of me an idiot, but I am not standing that anymore! You borrowed something for me? Well, I want it back, with no chances of conversations... I don't have nothing more to say today!! I'm too irritated for monologues!!!

I get amazed with people's stupidity... Sometimes, I might be meanic or unfair, when I judge some people, but I feel that I have something to judge... I look around, I look at people and I see emptiness; maybe I'm empty too, but I don't see that in me (we're always too blind when it comes to look to ourselves)! I might be empty to the others, but my art, my literature and music fullfils me with great joy, though on the outside I feel, sometimes, unable to express it... I think I might care a little bit too much about the others' judge; it just frightens me, because I don't want to be held down by their opinions again. Yesterday, I went out to dinner at a restaurant... My friend's, Marta, birthday dinner, but I haven't enjoyed it properly... I wasn't feeling properly good, I have been depressed since I woke up, but the night ended well for me, because of the friendship and of the feelings I got back, when I had my friends together... I haven't f...

I'm here writing this entry, after posting a comment at Fernando Ribeiro's blog. He posted one text about the most truthful things that happen in the Portuguese music market and I started thinking and decided to post a comment... I surrended to his words and my brain started working in all of that... I posted a very short entry in the diary of my hi5 account and I am still numb, with no words... Things that are so real, that they could even scare the most common of the mortals... People usually to say "chase your dreams", but when you do it, they bite your head off. About the gothics and the metal fans which wears their "metal" clothes, people also use to say that it's just a phase, but like I wrote on that comment, I'm here, after a huge storm of depression, self-mutilation, and a whole bunch of other things... I don't want to write them again!!! I'm here, I paint, I write, I sing and I do a lot of other things which makes me happy and I d...

Incredible stuff... Me, a gothic, a metal fan, listening only to the emotional traditional music of Potugal (beloved land), Fado. Especially, to my dear and beloved Amália Rodrigues. My soul needs to cry, but my eyes are so dry!! Listening to Amália singing the Fado "Prece", I imagine myself inside that song. Departing and never come back... Go and die in Portugal... Why not now?! Why not at night? Why not in any morning, afternoon, night, beach, street, house, concert, etc.? I wonder how it feels to be dead and I would like to try it... I write and my inner weep calls me... Can you listen it?! Can you even see me?! I don't think so; I'm everything that you hate, I'm all that you run away of, I'm everything that you wished gone, I'm all that'll become dust... I'm a secret and a famous legend... I am me and I'll always me, till death tear us apart!!!

I'm searching the web and chating my friends in MSN, I find vampiresfreak.com, myspace.com and others. It's a way to meet new e-friends, but someone we might never really meet, so I wonder; are we doing something good by accounting this websites, or are we just wasting our precious time and life here, in front of computers?! Anyway, I have one account on hi5 and I visit it more often than my blog. Quite stupid, I guess!!!

I don't understand those people which buy something and immediatelly want to show off what they have bought. They want to do an exhibition of what they have, like they was wanting to show the others they're better than they really are. Wake up; you aren't worth for what you have, but for what you are and for what you do as a person. Envy - is that what you want that I feel?! Of course I feel Envy... I'm human, anyway, but my envy is the fact that you have a job, while I'm still looking for it; but what you have, doesn't makes you any better than me. I am wide stronger and open-minded than you are, I reach some levels of consciousness, that you have never been able too. Anyway, I'm not better than you and I don't wish to make you feel Envy for my works, my paintings, my writings, my poems, etc.. I want to feel proud of my own art, of my own life, so I don't envy the others' life or possessions... The moon is shinning out there, and I'm playing...