Nostalgia...

Sometimes, I do find myself wondering why do I must give a chance to life to smile to me. Sometimes, I find myself wondering why should I be happy, why should I not smoke, why should I not to drug myself, why should I learn to deal with myself without drugs and so ooooon... People are driving me nuts!! GO FUCK YOURSELF WIT YOUR WELL INTENTIONED COMMENTS!! DON'T YOU GET BORED OF FUCKING ANOYING THE OTHERS??

I am feeling a weird changing in me. I am wearing coloured clothes sometimes I am wishing to go to the beach and fry my skin and my brains at the sun, I am wishing to go to the sea to take my bath, I am walking Cacém, getting my trone back, walking Cacém streets once again... I am feeling something is coming, but I am affrid of losing something along the way... I o need the comfort of my black clothes, I d need my sadness when it comes, I need my loneliness when I am with it in, I need allI have and I need all I don't have... I simply need!!

These last days has been some kinda funny. These last days, I have met people I haven't seen for ages. These last days, I've met some new friends. And so muh more.... But why do I still feel so lonely, so sad, so unsatisfied?? Is it my called artis's soul working?? There are some days I feel tired, old and all I wish isto stay in my corner, relaxing, smoking a lot, thinking, wondering...

What's so fucking wrong with me???

Black or colours?

That's the most frequent question in my mind lately... I needed to borrow some pants to my aunt, and I saw my old coloured cothes.

It might seem something stupid, but I felt sorry for my clothes being out of usage for so many years... I missed sing colours. I fear to lose my essence. I fear to stop being me for going back to colours. I fear everything around changes.


I FEAR TO LOSE MY REAL ESSENCE... AM I CRAZY? AM I BEING STUPID OR CHILDISH? I NEED A LIGHT... THE TINIEST, THE WEAKEST IT IS, BUT I DO NEED A LIGHT!!

Maybe I'm The Crazy One... Just maybe...

There's a lot changing lately... Summer time is here, with its overheated HOT and DRY weather. And it seems that with Summer time, people reminded that I exist, that they need me and it's the time for all my friends callsme to a coffee, to be with them for a night, for gambling, for chatting, for weed or anything my presence is requested. And it also seems to be the time I realise I'm changing...

Fortunatelly, I deall with different people... People with all the kinds of life stories, people with different likes, people with different kinda conversations. I don't even feel bothered by strangers.

My god daughter sent me via bluetooth to my cell phone a music called "levaste minha vida" (you took my life). It's a soft piano song with hip-hop rythm, but I like the lyrics and so I'm listening to it. Sorry if you're bothered, so you can search the next blog. *ahah* black roses for ya*

I need so much more, this summer... Maybe a little bit of beach, with extra-strong sunprotector, to keep my whiteness, not to get a lobster coloured skin. eheh* devilish giggle* I feel I am rediscovering my life, the way of being happy, eventhough it's a fake happiness. At last, I'll have something to feel comfortable by.

I need to fall in love... I need to feel a little bit more alive... I need to get my poles balanced, to avoid my crisis... I need so much and at the smaetime, so few!!

Am I the crazy guy? Or am I the guy who just got thirst for life, that everyne around is trying to kill??

Let mebe... Let me think and commit my mistakes... Let me be happy!!

Once upon a time...

There were a soul... A little shinnig star in the night sky of burning stars. That little star used to dream of a beautiful universe of art, music and beauty.

Time passed by and the star started getting disapointed with the world... Things weren't going in the direction it wanted. Everything gone different...

Now, its a lost little artist... It lives in caffes with friends... It listens to an old voice of the past... It writes some poetry... It smokes a lot... It do lots of things normal and so many others that are not so normal...

You go it, I'm talking about myself.. My star stopped shinning. I stopped feeling... I need my feelings back... I need to know how to feel joy... I need to know how to be able to love someone... I need to be able to fly away, withouth leaving my place once again... I need everything of me back...

Is there anyone reading this? Is there anyone able to help me to?

Tired... And so old...

I'm feeling tired... Yesterday, I finally talked to my boss... He said he wanted to make a contract to me, 9 moths after being in that caffé. I wanna leave. I told him that probably I would leave, I just needed to talk to my mother first. Cheated. But I came home with that little taste of freedom to come in my mouth and in my soul. But in the reverse, there's my thought on my costumers. I suppose that I don't want people that far as I thought. Lately, I find myself affraid of the idea of being alone. I am affraid, for the first time in a long, long time.

Tomorrow, I'll tell him I wanna leave. No matter how, I wanna eave, with no courts, with no anger, ith no fear and no regrets. I don't wanna look back. I just wanna leave and stop for a while. People lok at me and say I look way older than 21 and that's my age. I look way older, I feel the rides under my eyes... *hehe*, rides does not scare me! Anyway, I feel older than 21. There are some days I feel like if I was 10 years old and in other days, I feel like I was 90 years old.

I need to focs in the real matter... I wanna leave and I'll tell it to him tomorrow. I know my friend will be mad at me, but I feel to tired. Lately, I feel I smile much less than I already used to, I feel I think there's nothing happy or funny enough. I need to hange some things but thre's no more strenght for now. I justneed to leave.

Despite all of this, despite this wicked depression I'm feeling into again, I feel more trustful than never before. It's like this weariness is not strong enough to bring me down. But my body is exausted. I am too tired. It's like there were two strong weights in a balance and there were no balane point between the two of them. Or like if they were too heavy for that nd it was about to break. I need to rest! FRIENDS AND BUDDIES, I NEED TO REST! IS THAT TO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND??

Old people... New people...

It's funny how do we meet scared for them... Not exactly scared, but the fear of seing them again,after a long period of time withouth even feeling their look! And when we meet,through our friends, old internet buddies, it's weirder.

I can not explain this... It's that kinda feeling that only when somene experiences it can understand. It was such a weird day off from job. Woke up at 4 p.m., went to the caffé at 6, met some friends, has been there with another friend, went home and I am going to the caffé again. Don't know why do I feel like sadened in the end of another day, when sun goes down nd moon starts shinning up there in the sky. Smoking, sat in a chair, looking the sky out there...Poet,Fadista, painter and many other things... I could be tht and much more... I wish I was that and much more... I wish I could...

One more day, another defeat... Always here, always the same..

When we're thinking...

I've been watching some guys' profiles on a agy guys website and there's something I' been readingso much lately: "I want cool boys". I am cool... "Easy going and fun guys". I am easy ging and fun... "Peopl who likes and knows how to enjoy life". I do! That's something that bothers me lately... Just because I feel just a little bit too much things, just because I do wrshp Death, it doesn't means I don't smile, I am not funny, I am not loveable, I am not worth of anything from anyone. It doesn't means I'm nothing more but a darkened clothed guy, sad and always listening to music in the mp3. Just try to find me, just dre tot ouch within me and you'll see...

I'll write down a short thing, like a short story, I've been imaginating 5 minutes ago some words and I'll try to work a little thing down!

He's gone by now. We fought really hard, we yelled at each other. He's a cop and I am a bandit. Really hard to combine, but something matched with us. But he's a cop and he has just arrived from job. I was awaken at 4 am, waiting for him and thingsne wrg, when we tried to chat at that moment... Then the fight came. He lft, hitted the door and the soft rain out there turnt into a strong storm. Large drops of water was hitting the glass like a little melody. I've been with the window wide open for about an hour and he didn't came. The I just put wool shirt and gone to the streets. I asketo the employer about him, but he told me: "No, Tom! Jim didn't came around here". I left and kept walking in the middle of the rain, till I went home. The sun has already rised and when I walked in the bedroom, he was laid over the bed, with his muscular body uncovered. He just unleashed a smile and called me. I laid nex to him and fell aslept in his arms... Never a dream has seemed so bad for me... But reality hurted much more... But all is fine! All is fine...

Hope ya like it! Too lame for me...