Losing My Mind

Sometimes, I still wonder why do I care. Sometimes, I still try to fix things out, but this has been long empty times, with no blogging. Late at night, at a friend's house, I'm here, in front of a damned computer with a fuckin' connection to the internet, after a few months without being able to blog about what I really fuckin' care.

I am lost, I could say, but am I really lost? I find myself laughing, smiling, having long shitty conversations with friends in the cafe, reading shitty magazines about celebrities (?)... I even bought a gay magazine today, to read, to see naked man, but there were no naked men at all.

I know the at least two friends of mine will be travelling to Scotland in September and as I hope to get a job soon (shouldn't I have got it months ago, if I wasn't too lazy to look for?), I hope to get my passport and an airplane ticket to USA, to to LA. I imagine me and E. in the beach, with lots of hot man hanging around, and we pretty gorgeous laid in the sun, with lots of sun protector (factor 50+) and ice cream and lots of men to fuck with, to have lotsa fun, to use, to abuse... I know all that from dreams... And they're too far, as I can't help myself.

Back and about to Rock...

This is it... Maybe things are about to come back to their place. I've seen/read somewhere that there's a right time and space for everything to happen and it was the time to return. I started painting again, after a big break on that due to my depression and to my medicines. It seems that when I was taking my medicines to fight depression, I couldn't paint, I couldn't write... Just singing, because singing didn't request my soul to do that. It doesn't mean I don't put my soul in my singing, it just happened that my feelings wasn't all the entire base for me to sing.

When I paint, I used to paint what I was feeling. Now, on my return, I'm focused on human (feminine) bodies and faces. I always did, I expressed my feelings through others expressions, and now it's my stronger phase. I am wishing to finish my studies, I am wishing to do my art and be able to become part of the infinity. I want people to remind me, when I die. I don't want to be forgotten when I disappear. I am trying to write some poems in English, I want to try to publish them in USA, in any kind of magazine or newspaper and maybe try to put all them together and publish a book. Poetry s not that important, but I am trying to do something... I have also had some ideas for my fictions and to get my old fictions back, those I wrote in teen-aging. I want to show my work away... I hope to leave a legacy behind, when I die, when I turn ashes, or a bit of crap under a grave...

Anyway, I've been painting, I've been writing, I kept living my life in cafes , I kept hanging with people, I kept living the streets as I adore... But there's something missing: that special someone I can grab and he'll hug me. That special someone who will open the arms and hold me in my fears... I wanna love, I wanna know that feeling with no fears, no regrets, no sorrow... I wanna be able to let myself go when someone comes close to me and says: "I love you" and I wanna be able to say: "I love you too", without any fear...

I wanna be free and I wanna love... Is that possible, both at the same time??

Perhaps I Am Lost...

Tonight it has been a good night for me. Still no internet, unable of using my computer and being oblied to come to the cyber caffé and paying €2 for one hour in the internet and being unable to see what I wish (right it was porn, till a guy come and sit right next to me and look at the screen... Gay porn and I am feeling a bit bothered).

I wish I could be at home, enjoying some gay porn, with BIG MUSCULAR skinheads fucking some boys skinny asses. I wish I could be laid in my bed, enjoying this decadence of the human nature of gay guys. I wish I could have one of those HUGE MUSCULAR men over me... I wish ne of them was using my hard and even harder each breathe I could take.

Anyway, some thing bad, can also bring something good. Something gooooood for me are the guys who were playing snooker in front of me, with those summer clothes, which leave me see their arms, imagine their back. My imagination in front of hot men is getting each passing day more dirty. My imagination is working each day better, though I can't work i my creative side. My imagination gave a perfect "movie" of me, laid naked over the snooker table and all those guys fucking me... Perhaps, I'm being a bit pervert, but I am human. I have wishses and right now, my wish is to be fucked hard, by a man or by men... Young men and if they're muscular, way better.

Though I am bisexual and I feel myself like being bisexual, I just can't imagine my life with no men. I love men... I worship men... I need men to feel alive sexually. Maybe that's a sign that in the end, I am gay, but what the hell is so wrong with that?? What the hell is so wrong of wishing to be fucked? What's so wrong of wishing a hug between males, instead huging a female or being huged by a female??

I am just human... I am just a guy needing to calm down and relax, before something bad goes on me... I need to try to relax and stop having my mind workng 1000 km/h all the time, eventhough when I'm sleeping...

Confusion

And it seems its a neverending confusing state. Things seems to be a neverending spiral of confusing states of mind. Its like the neverending run for our lives... It doesn't necessariously means we're endangered, but its the need to be living in the present moment, the urgent need to be living in a fast way, to be doing the things in the moment, to be unable to rest, eventhough I'm not working in the present moment...

I'm tired... I'm really tired... And I need some rest... Something which makes me rest for a while...

Happy Days

Where are they?? Wasn't I supposed to be happy with another birthday coming?? But since I remember, I always hated my birthdays. Since I can think of, I always tried to hide on my birthday. I always wished to be dead gone in that day. I always wished to shot anyone's head who wished to me a happy birthday. Thats not a happy day for me. That's not a day I like to be recalled at, that's not a day I wish to be happy and all smilie around!

You might be thinkin I hae the idea of getting one year older. Well, too bad news for ya: I don't fuckin' care about my age. That's just a number on a card and on a paper. It's unexplainable, I simply hate it! And since my dad passed away, 12 years ago, it's getting worse, year by year. The older, the more I hate this day. And my granny passed away 5 years ago, so it was worse! An worse, and worse and worse, day by day, year by year...

I was fucked up ast night. I woke up late and messed up in my head, anger, sad, today and I don't even want to imagine how will that be tomorrow! When tomrrow arrives, I wish a bottle of poison to drink it and leave this wicked world, hich keeps me trapped here. I hate being here, around this days. It would be greatif I could leave, if I could get an airplane and fly to Greece, to Thessaloniki, where I've been some yars ago, and stay there for a few months! It would be just perfect!!

I want to stop feeling this way. I wantto be happy, to be cool down, to be relaxed, to be fine, but no... It's the night I'll get highed or drunk and will barely find strenght enough to come home. I wnna burn my brains, burn my body, burn everything involved in my existance! I want to be gone...

I feel like vanishing with the wind... Slowly, fading away...

Memories

Second post of the night!! I'm inspired tonight!!

After hanging around on myspace and facebook, I just realised of how things changed! I think I've gone depth in this question, after checking some friend's photo albums. And this is the really matter. I still remember when the photo albums werethosehuge old books, with pictures in it, that we used to open when we was feeling nostalgic or depressed with present days or life. They was such big and heavy books, full of memories, that used to set free a strange smell like if something dead was hidden deep inside the paper pages. Memories of happiness, of sadness, melancholy, loneliness, emptiness... But memories! At the time, it was hard to destroy one f those pictures, to throw them away, because we knew we pobably wouldn't have a chance to get it back, and then that little bit piece of the past would be forever gone. By now, we can delete the picture with a simple press in a buttonat we know they will be in the computer disk, or in the memory card, or anywhere where we keep them safe, eventhough we don't even wish to see what's it!

And memories... Yesterday, I got this song from The GazettE, this piano play, and it brought to me such good feelings. In the afternoon, I went out, I went onto one of those never-ending of chinese stores which are around here, to buy some head phones to my mp3. For a long, long time I didn't had a Saturday afternoon for myself, for my shopping, for looking to the people passing in the streets. For a long, long time I haven't gone to one of those chinese stores, feeling their typical smell, looking to the cheaps and low quality products and choosing something to take home. And on Saturday, I did! And I was listening to this song. My imagination fled me onto one of those chinese/japanese movies I like to watch and I felt like in the other side of the planet, in a chinese or japanese store! I travelled far with my imagination, like it haven't happened for a long, long time! And I am happy about that! It was like living a memory, it was a memory lived in the moment! I hope to be able to go shopping with my mum next Sunday, in the clothes' store we used to go! I hope to buy something for him! I have my accounts to pay, but I want to forget them for once, forget I'm unemployed, forget my accounts have to paid and g shopping with my mum! Maybe buying something for her, nverting the role for this time... Just for once! And reminding the past, the happier simple moments of the past, in the present days! I'm getting insane, but I am happy with my insanity!

ALL HAIL INSANITY!! :)

Times passes by...

And it seems that even things turn better, there's always something to help me to fall! I get myself always looking at any cute guy around but I am always alone. Yesterday or the day (night) before yesterday, I went to a friend's birthday. After the party, after the effect of the weed being passing from my mind, after everyone have said goodbye to each other, me and another good friend of mine stayd chatting for a while and I realised that even the fact of my rare presence between them now, it doesn't means people doesn't talk about me. About my life... It turns into a serious thing when someone says I have a boyfriend, who's a big fagget! Hmm, interesting!! And the funny part of the thing is that it was my friend Sofia, who said that and introduced a boy like if he was my boyfriend! It seems I gotta check who's really worthwhile to have around me. It seems I need to do a shutdown within me again, within all those who surround me and check who reall must keep around...

Days are HOOOOT!!! Nights freeze my bones out! I am feeling sick tonight... I ate lots of ice cream, so my throat hurts. I drink cold Cola, so it keeps hurting! But fortunatelly I still can use it to sing and to make the weird noises I do around! :) That's good!!

I need more... More than this notingness that my life became. More than this loneliness which is killing me, though it has bee my choice, till now!~

Now, I choose to be happy!!

Needing a bit of high speed!

It's not a matter of beig feeling guilty about something. I regret nothing, by now! Till now, there's nothing I've done wich made feel my sleep for it!

But I was supposed to being feeling guilty, because I have had sex with a man and I haven't kept in touch or replied to his sms on my phone. That's what he said, when I finally decided to break this "iceberg" between us and has told him that by time being, I just hve had sex with him, I didn't knew him from nowhere and I wasn't feeling intended to do that. He said I wasplaying with people's feelings. I am not!! He knew exactly what he should expect from me,as I've told him from the beggining!!

Anyway, I was just needing a bit of high-speed tonight... A ride in a HOT guy's car, through the highway with no Destiny, has I've done with my goddaughters an the ex-broter-in-law of one of them. I was always at home at 2 am, like my mother said me to do, but we've gone lots of times through the highway, at night, with no Destiny, and when we felt we have arrived, we stopped somewhere and stayed in the car to smoke some weed. And those night were just fantastic. And I miss it, and I want to do that with someone special for me. With a guy I coul love and he could love me in return, with no strings or boundaries. Nothing to stop u from oving each other and stopping us from being together. And yeah, I said a boy, a guy, I love men, they're just fantastic for me and I can't spend one single day of my life without desiring them.

Like I said, I'm not feeling sorry for the other's guy stuff, I don't regret, he knew exactly what he will get. I am just a bit tired of behaving like a bitch and I am needing to stop and try to deal a bit with someone... Not that guy, but some other out there whichfeels any little kind of interedt about e and I feel the same about him. Why not trying to stop this loneliness?? Why not trying to deliver my heart to someone for the very first time in my life?? Why not fighting the barrier my famiy obblied me to create against them, and stopping doing the others pay for that?? Hope all that works, since I am feeling into about going out at night to dance, to desire, to be desired... Hope all that helps, since I am going back to the beach, leaving my body to fry on the Sun, or to fry freezing, in the sea!! Hope to be happy soon!! If I don't, at least I've tried!!

Don't blame me for trying to be happy... Dont judge me for following my dreams! You had yur chance, it's not my fult if you have missed that!!