Angel Alucard

I am listening to a Fado called "Ouvi Dizer Que Me Esqueceste", which means "I Heard That You Forgot Me", sung by Celeste Rodrigues, sister of the amazing AMÁLIA RODRIGUES! I do prefer the fresh and young voice of Ana Moura singing it... I am feeling dizzy with lots of things going by in my life lately. I've been transfered from the restaurant in Algés to the one in Massamá, I was feeling happy and OK, but now it seems I fell down once again. My happiness and joy lasts few days and I feel in the usual sad or melancholic mood, trying to find myself. The manager of the restaurant I work at says I am a fake gothic, because I laugh quite a lot, I am nice and cool manered, easy going and to deal with. She don't really knows me, that's the truth... But lately, I've been an actor around Life... A very good actor!! Tonight, I am not feeling exactly well to write, but lately I just write on MSN and on my notebook to take the costumers requests... Dammit!! I ...

... Nowhere to run from here! This is what is going on my mind now. But it's enough of running away from everything which is new, everything which seems to scary for me to face. I need to earn some strenght to fight all those fears and phobias. I really do! Anyway, I am not running, I will stanbd to face everything around me. I am so far from what I have been and so far from what I still will be. Anyway, after posting this picture, I just stood for a little while of two or three seconds staring at it and I think this is one of my best pictures, though for some so-said-normal-people it may seem weird or even awful. I am what I am, may you like it or hate it. I really need to see that when I look in the mirror, someone who likes himself, gay, straight, gothic, punk, thug, happy, sad, live, dead... I feel happy when I wear that way, when I live like I feel comfortable. I have so many things to think about and nowhere to run or hide. Stupid words, I don't need to run or to hide, I ...

Listening to this song of Apocalyptica featuring Cristina Scabbia, I go deeper into my feelings, into this feeling of emptiness, of inpotence... I am feeling a bit dizzy with all this rain of feelings, happiness, emptiness, madness, anger. Things have gone so well and now it seems it's beggining one more time... Damned, too much to think tonight, so few to write... Sorry, really, I'm sorry.