Angel Alucard

Where are they?? Wasn't I supposed to be happy with another birthday coming?? But since I remember, I always hated my birthdays. Since I can think of, I always tried to hide on my birthday. I always wished to be dead gone in that day. I always wished to shot anyone's head who wished to me a happy birthday. Thats not a happy day for me. That's not a day I like to be recalled at, that's not a day I wish to be happy and all smilie around! You might be thinkin I hae the idea of getting one year older. Well, too bad news for ya: I don't fuckin' care about my age. That's just a number on a card and on a paper. It's unexplainable, I simply hate it! And since my dad passed away, 12 years ago, it's getting worse, year by year. The older, the more I hate this day. And my granny passed away 5 years ago, so it was worse! An worse, and worse and worse, day by day, year by year... I was fucked up ast night. I woke up late and messed up in my head, anger, sad, to...

Second post of the night!! I'm inspired tonight!! After hanging around on myspace and facebook, I just realised of how things changed! I think I've gone depth in this question, after checking some friend's photo albums. And this is the really matter. I still remember when the photo albums werethosehuge old books, with pictures in it, that we used to open when we was feeling nostalgic or depressed with present days or life. They was such big and heavy books, full of memories, that used to set free a strange smell like if something dead was hidden deep inside the paper pages. Memories of happiness, of sadness, melancholy, loneliness, emptiness... But memories! At the time, it was hard to destroy one f those pictures, to throw them away, because we knew we pobably wouldn't have a chance to get it back, and then that little bit piece of the past would be forever gone. By now, we can delete the picture with a simple press in a buttonat we know they will be in the computer di...

And it seems that even things turn better, there's always something to help me to fall! I get myself always looking at any cute guy around but I am always alone. Yesterday or the day (night) before yesterday, I went to a friend's birthday. After the party, after the effect of the weed being passing from my mind, after everyone have said goodbye to each other, me and another good friend of mine stayd chatting for a while and I realised that even the fact of my rare presence between them now, it doesn't means people doesn't talk about me. About my life... It turns into a serious thing when someone says I have a boyfriend, who's a big fagget! Hmm, interesting!! And the funny part of the thing is that it was my friend Sofia, who said that and introduced a boy like if he was my boyfriend! It seems I gotta check who's really worthwhile to have around me. It seems I need to do a shutdown within me again, within all those who surround me and check who reall must keep ...

It's not a matter of beig feeling guilty about something. I regret nothing, by now! Till now, there's nothing I've done wich made feel my sleep for it! But I was supposed to being feeling guilty, because I have had sex with a man and I haven't kept in touch or replied to his sms on my phone. That's what he said, when I finally decided to break this "iceberg" between us and has told him that by time being, I just hve had sex with him, I didn't knew him from nowhere and I wasn't feeling intended to do that. He said I wasplaying with people's feelings. I am not!! He knew exactly what he should expect from me,as I've told him from the beggining!! Anyway, I was just needing a bit of high-speed tonight... A ride in a HOT guy's car, through the highway with no Destiny, has I've done with my goddaughters an the ex-broter-in-law of one of them. I was always at home at 2 am, like my mother said me to do, but we've gone lots of times thro...

Sometimes, I do find myself wondering why do I must give a chance to life to smile to me. Sometimes, I find myself wondering why should I be happy, why should I not smoke, why should I not to drug myself, why should I learn to deal with myself without drugs and so ooooon... People are driving me nuts!! GO FUCK YOURSELF WIT YOUR WELL INTENTIONED COMMENTS!! DON'T YOU GET BORED OF FUCKING ANOYING THE OTHERS?? I am feeling a weird changing in me. I am wearing coloured clothes sometimes I am wishing to go to the beach and fry my skin and my brains at the sun, I am wishing to go to the sea to take my bath, I am walking Cacém, getting my trone back, walking Cacém streets once again... I am feeling something is coming, but I am affrid of losing something along the way... I o need the comfort of my black clothes, I d need my sadness when it comes, I need my loneliness when I am with it in, I need allI have and I need all I don't have... I simply need!! These last days has been some ki...

That's the most frequent question in my mind lately... I needed to borrow some pants to my aunt, and I saw my old coloured cothes. It might seem something stupid, but I felt sorry for my clothes being out of usage for so many years... I missed sing colours. I fear to lose my essence. I fear to stop being me for going back to colours. I fear everything around changes. I FEAR TO LOSE MY REAL ESSENCE... AM I CRAZY? AM I BEING STUPID OR CHILDISH? I NEED A LIGHT... THE TINIEST, THE WEAKEST IT IS, BUT I DO NEED A LIGHT!!