The Voice Of My Soul

Wanting To Change Some Stuffs

2012-02-14T09:59:00.000-08:00

I am wanting to change some stuffs and the same goes with my blogs!! Still don't know when things will finaklly be better, when they'll improve to work out in a way that pleases me and my wicked mood, but whenever that change is possible, I'll change stuffs!! If needed, I'll bitch around for anything, just because I can do so, just because it's my sake at the moment!!

2011-05-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

After a long while without typing anything down, wether in English or Portuguese, here I am! once again, when the frost of restarting writing is broken, it almost always has to do with musics! Musics I used to listen a lot and that used to make me travel around the globe and around all the dimensions! I still dream of fairies, vampires, middle ages and some stuffs that for others are just that: dreams! Fantasies! They're out there! They're for real!! Maybe not in this same plan of dimension we live at, but in an alternative one!! Maybe we're all Gods and all our dreams, all of our fantasies are just real worlds in another dimensions or points of Universe!

Such as all of this... Someone whisper on my almost deaf ear! It don't need my ears, sane or deafs, to listen to their voices!! I feel them calling me all the time!! The elves!! The faeries!! Warriors of the darkness, as well, at the candle light in their tents!! Gladiators in their cages, with the sexiness of their msucular bodies, inviting me to a night of lust!! The power of the magic in my hands!! The power of changing the world!! The power of making possible to do the others dream again!! The power of space ships crossing the sky, like airplanes do!! The power of making all my fantasies gain a body!!

My idea to return to blogging, was to start typing some stories!! Some fantasies!! Let's see if that works out!! Let's see if my old fictions / novels retsart here!! Let's see if my voices within gain their so desired body, free of mine!!

Goodnight... I am going to sleep... And the voice of the goddess shuts in silence and only the song of silence floats in the air, like the drunkness of strong, yet sweet perfume!!

Bored Tonight

2011-04-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

My latest addiction, since I went back on playing Shaiya, is "away" from me for about one hour or so. This game's server is up for a maintenance, so I not allowed to get in there. Possibly I will stand around back on painting, possibly writing a few poems, or something like that. There is such a huge lack of words within me lately, but I really gotta stand up and fight this "thing"!

Like the angels of Death, I feel bored, looking in the horizon... Just nothing to say, just no moaning tonight... I just wanted to give something new here, as for a long, long time that I have kept this shut!

Just Insane

2011-03-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

This blog... This little space of my own, where I put my feelings down, such as i would do in a diary, has been a bit abandoned... Such as an attention whore, like any good artist, rulling three blogs, eventhough they're all about the same, doesn't gives us the "quality" sometimes to share what we're feeling, what we're thinking, what we're desiring, what's creeping us out, what's driving us crazy, when we're down and when we're in an euphoric state, such as I am feeling right now, though the sleep is putting a little brake on it now!! Ha!

It's just insane that I've been swimming in a sea of depression, almost drowned in this sea of sorrow and laments, but today, without alcohol, without any drugs, I was in such a huge euphoria, that it seems I was able to touch the sky, to feel the clouds between my fingers, to feel the wind between my legs, such as a motorcyle, with it's vibrating motor, taking me away in a long highway to nowhere!!

After all that I've been way into in the last few months, with the help of a special man, I am feeling like rising up... Such as the Phoenix, rising from it's ashes, fly in flames once again... I am affraid that this thing between me and you works out in anything, P., I am way too scared that this thing has brought you into my life in a way that I was not wanting, especially now, especially after all the I passed for, especially after all those last happenings, such as seing that guy once again, after all this hate get mixed with all this love and doing it looking like a bomb, exploding inside my chest, feeling all the love, all the hate and all the pain once again, after so much time, for him to show me the shade of my soul, to carry it away once again!! I am way too scared and i am wanting to run away, but there's nothing as a certain thing yet, so let us see what's popping out next!!

Just had a stupid conversation with a kiddo on Facebook, who was blamin´ his dad for doing noise with his HARLEY, while he was trying to see "Jackass"!! Well, why the fuck he complains about the noise of the Harley's motorbreath, to see what we can call of crap?? "Jackass" was alright when I was 18, now almost at 24, it's just another TV show and neither the stupid guys in that show, who can be very hot, are the teasers to stick me in front of the TV!! I would stick staring at those guys, if they were driving Harleys, all along my way, inviting for some rides!! Ha!! The a "Harley's Jackass" would sound good to me!! I do miss a ride in a motorcycle...

It's just insane how little things like this make me miss so much some stuffs in my past... Let's just see what the nearest future will bring, because anything beyond 2 months is too much for me to think!!

Sad Without a Reason

2011-03-12T20:01:00.000-08:00

Well, arrived one hour ago at home!! Went to the marina of Cascais to go to a club, but guess what?? I wasn't able to relax, to let myself go, to have fun, to feel the music in my soul, to feel my body just swinging with the sound of the music... Seems like i really need drugs or alcohol to relax, to have fun... I realised tonight that I do need those stuffs to help me to relax, to help me letting myself going with the flow, having fun, relaxing, feeling the music within my body, vibrating in each little bit of my bones... Most of this stuffs, I can feel them even sleeping,b ut not that happiness, not that will to be surrounded by people, especially with a company that I would prefer keeping away from me!! I thank you all, guys & girls, for calling me to have fun, but my smile to you was fake!! The smile to the pictures was fake!! I was sad, bothered inside, those people looking at me was bothering me, i haven't even lift up my eyes, I prefered to take a look through the window, to see the river or the sea outside, am not sure now! Prefered to think they wasn't looking at me,l prefered to imagine I was somewhere else!! i was wishing to go out for a long, long time ago, but I said this before, my soul ain't told me it was the right night to go out, to have fun, to dance...

Anyway, why the fuck everyone is now bothering me with the fact that I am unhappy alone?? Why the fuck is everyone wanting to see me engaged? I might not be happy with this choice of mine, but I said it all previously: IT'S MY CHOICE!! Happy or unhappy, it's me living with it, no one else, so please, people, leave my fucking mind alone!!

I've been blogging this matter previously in Portuguese, so most of what I was needing to say, is said and my mood is not going any better!! I am just giving a quick read in a stuff and then I am off to the bed!! Need to try to heal this broken mind of mine!!

Need to heal this sadness for unknon reasons...

I was about...

2011-03-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

This is a Painting by me!! :)

I was about bitching. I was depressed... Am a bit sort of of depressed, but not needing to bitch!! Been talking on messenger all night long, been watching some videos to laugh and sharing them with my friend Xana. Been listening to Amália Rodrigues, my favourite singer, chosing some oif the most depressive songs, but it's a good pain!! I need this!! I need her voice, as my comfortable spot. i need to cry, when I feel in the mood to!! And Amália can be such a great help!! Just dropped two gross tears!! Just felt a chill within my bones, while i heard her singing in the excerpt of a movie!!

More and more minutes, listening to Amáklia, to her wonderful voice, to her incredible presence in live shows or in TV. And when i say i am writing, it doesn't matters if i am bitching (I was seeing I wasn't doing it so!! xD) on my blogs or if I am taking care of my poetry or anything else i am doing, including painting, people should suppose that i want peace, but noooo!!! That old man tha added me on facebook who I chatted a bit there, then added him to my MSN kept annoying me, asking me to talk with him, asking me to cheer up!! NO!!! I DON'T FUCKIN' WANNA CHEER UP!! NO, I DON'T WANT FEEL BETTER, WHILE I DON'T CRY ALL MY TEARS OUT, EVEN IF THAT INCLUDES CRY MY EYE GLOBES OUT TOO!! NO, I DON'T WANNA BE CHEERED UP, I WANNA CRY, YELL, MOVE MY ARMS AND LEGS ALL OVER!!

I know that people worry and concern about me, but dammit!! I hate when they think that just because I have depressive phases (way too many), I need joy in my life, a person by my side or anything like that!! And no, Xande, i didn't wanted to smoke pot, not when I am depressed, because I always feel worse!! I prefer smoke pot when i am happy or close too, because happiness is strange to me, happiness is way harder to deal with than sadness. And hey, Xande, here's another message for you: In the other day, you faggot boy (I love you anyway, my friend), you told me not to make faggot comments, but you being gay and shaking your hands like it "shows you out" way more than me, the way you were talking to the army guy today... Hmm, that was way too faggot and you compained on me in the other day?? Weird... Anyway, army guys never complained of me being throwingf myself at them, but one of them complained to me that you did it to him, in the other night!! Weird too, huh?? But never fucking mind, i said I was about bitching and am bitching something here, not have to call your attention to this fact, not to have to upset my beauty with fucking idiot things!!

And people... The bitchness goes on!!! Some people are always complaining that I talk, laugh and do other stuffs way out loud!! I don't give a fuck!!! If I am in the café and am sat in a table and you come to sit at my table, get your fuckin' butt up and walk away!!! You don't see me speaking out loud of my problems in the café, do you?? You don't see me telling everything to everyone, do you?? You don't see me spreading my sadness or bad mood in the café, because when they arrive, I get my skinny butt up and just walk away!! I don't care if others like or dislike. I don't care if anyone will ever love me (yeah, loneliness is such a pitty, but better being on my own, then getting hurt again! And no, Paulo, you gay nurse boy, I do not prefer being happy than creating beautiful things!! I prefer creating beautiful things with my loneliness, than doing ugly things with happiness and to get my heart screwed again!)!! of course that are days that I crave for someone caring for me, huging me, cheering me up, but no, no, NO!!!! No more thoughts in this direction... Not tonight!!! And you guys, in there, inside my mind SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! You're not helping tonight!!!

Long time no writing down here, as well as I don't do it in my diaries, but it became easier to write here!! Surely that are stuffs which are not in my diaries, that are not in these blogs. i got a secret blog, with a secret name, where all my secrets are there!! ALL OF NASTY THINGS!! I still think I might delete that stuff, but for now, it's still there!! For now, i am still in the mood to write in 4 blogs, each day, each feeling, in the one that fits it the best, though all of them are not way too different from each others!! There is the Victim's blog, Angel's blog in portuguese, there's Bruno's blog (the secret one, with secret name), but I am still in the sake of writing them down!! Victim's blog is the one who i care a bit more of what what I write down there, because one of my best friends reads it and I know she hates knowing when I am bad, she always advise me, but what to do?? Not always happy (rarely), not always in the mood for good thing, not always wishing to be dead!! most people who deal with me nowadays don't know that inside, I feel mostly sad, that I get depression attacks jjust like that, that suicidal thoughts are a real thing for me. It's makes things way easier for me, because I can suffer in peace. There are only one or two people who deal with me of that long time ago, who still knows, who still understand that they must leave me alone when I ask for it!

And now, one last subject (unless you guys don't shut up in there!)... Been talking with a girl, added her in my facebook, due to our "chat" in comments in one of my many penpals groups and something that shown up was one old idea of mine. When I thought I would love to live in the States or anywhere else in the world. Nowadays, this doesn't sounds appealing to me anymore, just because I could't be far from my country, from my people, from our music, from our food, from our language. I once read that love is a slow suicide, but being far from Portugal would be the slowest and most painful death I could ever taste! I love my country more than anything, now. And yeah, now, because before i had my grand dad to love even more than the country, now he's gone, just hoping not to take too much time for me to meet him up again!! To meet grand dad, grand ma, dad, all those I have already lost...

Too much that could be said, too much that could be bitched up, but now...Well, guess that now its the time for me to leave... Time to eat something, time to lay down and sleep two hours, before getting up and going to do my blood tests. No more time to think, no more time to whisper, no more time to desire... Just me, the bed and my soul will fly a bit, while I am sleeping...

Now... Now that it's time to leave, tears came back... Tears for me... Tears for you... Tears for the world... Tears for all the destruction, for all the war, for all the pain we cause to each others... I hate feeling this much!! it's good as an artist, but terrible as a human being!! it hurts just too much!!

I just wanna be able to lay my head down and be able to rest in peace!! Is that asking too much?? It seems so!!

Wondering

2011-02-14T18:48:00.000-08:00

Listening to such wonders like this, I still wonder how do human beings create so many wars, how do we fight so much each others, how do we still kill each others just for fun and pleasure. I still wonder how good it would be to leave this world behind, listening to something so beautiful like this! No more pain! No more wars! No more hate! No more killings!

I realise how we are stupid, how tiny we are, but we still think we rule, we are the lords of the planet! It doesn't matter!! We'll never own anything! We'll never be superior to any specie, just because we behave in the most disgusting way to each others, to the planet, to the animals. How sweet sounds now the idea of leaving this world behind, I repeat!

Just wondering, due to such beauty!

The Broken Boy

2011-02-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

Am here for a few hours trying to decide what to write down. Wished I could do happier things!! Wished I could do pretty things, but this is the way I am!! And for the time I got this open, to write down something, after talking to him, after being telling him more on what's going on wrong with me, being with the liars' song on, for some reason that I unknown myself. Been here for too long, almost crying, just because he is not giving up on me, just because he's saying that I can count on him anytime, just because he's in my life, eventhough it's not real yet, it's just virtual, but no judgements, no demandings (just the demanding for my happiness), blah, blah, blah...

Am broken... Am really broken... My healt is no longer perfect, it'll never be perfect again, but I can do lots of things, like I always did. Nothing will stop me!!

Just got a proposal from a Portuguese actor who added me in the FB for registering my poetries in the portuguese society of authors, so I'll get paid whenever I publish a book with them. I can also register my paintings! I do believe it might be wonderful, it might help me a lot, being a registered author, but what's behind this helping? It can be a uninterested action, but what if?? The old "what if" thingy!! Everyone has a dark side (in my case, we can say that I have a light side xD ). He says he can do this for me for free, but i've learnt on my own that nothing's for free in life, neither love, nor pleasure! I think I'll take it on... I think I'll face the danger, no matter what!! Yeah, love, I'll take te danger of tkaing this offer on, take a lil bit of the risk. Yeah, Sofy, I'll take it on. Maybe then you won't say that I don't live, maybe then you'll see I am taking the right steps on the right path!!

Broken... Physically... Broken... Mentally... Broken... Spiritualy...

My feelings are never the same. People use to have a line of feeling, it's never too extreme, I am always in the limbo, over depression or euphoria... This is not good, but am fighting this as hard as I can, only for you, love!! You might not love me, but I am wanting really hard to love you!!

No more loneliness... No more longings on what if... Just me and you... You and I... And nothing else would matter!!

I Wanna Leave

2011-02-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

I need to leave this wicked world behind. Flowers became hard stones for me. The air I breathe feels like poison to my lungs. I smoke my cigarettes. I smoke over and over, cigarette after cigarette, because I can not feel peace within. I try hard and harder day by day, hour by hour, but there's no way to get some peace into this wicked soul. Seems that my old desire became true: I am all alone, I can not find anyone who can love, especially now. Oh! Yeah, I know, there are my friends, but friends are not the right people to give a kiss in the lips, to give me a hug in the darkest hours of my physical conditons or in the darkest hours of my mind. There are secrets that only two friends of mine do know, there are secrets that i wish was able to hide from the entire world. i wish it was possible to hide many things, including my feelings, even from myself.

I know, feeling this much, using it to work or write is such a great gift. I can be big! Numerology said so! Tarot said so! But it's such a curse too! The curse of carrying a cross! Carrying a cross heavier than we can really stand! I feel like there's nothing left to me... My body is ruined... My soul is broken into a thousand pieces... It turned to ashes and was spread by the wind... But my feelings are deep inside of me, bothering me hard and harder day by day, week by week, year by year...

It might sounds negative, but i got this hard feeling after going to the café. Seeing my friends hurted me... Seeing some couples hurted me... Because this feeling of emptiness is not fulfilled by anyone, is not fulfilled by anyone. I still miss those times i barely understood what I feel, i barely understood that I could feel. There are days i miss my past. Others, that I miss the day which is going! Others when I miss myself... I wanna go and vanish in the air, like ashes... The ashes of my cigarette, which last nothing, but a few minutes... I wanna be part of the sea... I wanna fly higher! I wanna scream louder! i wanna be a poet! I wanna be an artist! I wanna not to feel this much!! I wanna be everything... And I am nothing!

What To Say?

2011-02-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

I look at my past. I remember those old times. Seems it's all so far away. The feelings ain't changed much. My questions are still the same of qhen I was a child. I still listen to the same voice. But there are other things which seems way too far. I still wonder why all this sadness, even when I am smiling. I still wonder how do I can smile, when all the pain inside seems just too much than I can even stand. This world hurts me. Beauty hurts me. Ugliness hurt me. Smiles hurt me. Tears hurt me. Why all this feeling? Why this feeling of emptiness, even when I am surrounded by dozens of people?

I still wonder why do the winds whispers his secrets to me. I still wonder the sea calls me everytime. I still wonder which will be the taste of Death... I mean, of being dead, not of tasting the death of others, because it's just too much pain going on and on... There's so many things why I wonder, that I try to give up on wondering on this. Just letting it flow, just letting it go.

Still look at my past... But am getting some stuffs from my past back, like getting high and going on for car rides on high speed. Sure, I do not drive. I am too affraid to take my driver's license, but I still love going on high speed...

Wondering... Wondering... Most artists got this wondering stuff... But what to say? What to do? Nothing!! Just leave and feel! Peace, love and respect!!

In The Darkest Corners Of My Mind

2011-02-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

No matter how many years will pass by, till my departing day. No matter how many voices scream out loud in my head. No matter how hard loneliness hits me. No matter how shinny or grey days are. No matter how many cigarettes I smoke. Because there are dark corners in my mind and they belong to you. I feel you looking at me from there, like a spider in it's web, waiting for the fly to fall in the trap. Your eyes on me has been just another to hurt me. You smile has been the fire to burn me hard. And my love for doesn't ceases! My love for you is stronger day by day. No matter what! i may starting liking someone, but it will never be the same than what I had for you.

The darkest corners of my mind are no longer fulfilled with monsters. The darkest corner s of my mind are yours, for your sake, for your guilty, for your sake, for your pleasure and delight. Your green eyes and your lighty smile are part of me. Do not be affraid, I won't reveal your secrets out loud to the wind. They're mine! I'll carry them out to my grave! But my love for you, I weep it out!!

In the darkest corners of my mind, I can feel the heartbeat of everything in this world. With eyes wide shut, I walk the streets and i can feel the wind blowing between my years, blowing my ideas, blowing the voices in my head. But they're here.

I close my eyes while I walk... I feel their eyes on me! I close my eyes, I can listen to my own heartbeat!

In the darkest corners of my mind, there are kingdoms! In the darkest corners of my mind, there are big cities! in the dark corners of my mind, there's peace and war! In the darkest corners of my mind there's everything, but me!

I am one and one are three... Voices, more voices within me. My chest burns, it seems it's going to explode!! But till now, here I am!! Because the darkest corners of my mind are full of everything!!

Life Is Going By

2011-01-31T20:42:00.000-08:00

Still couldn't forgot you, but time keeps passing by, days keep going on and on! Nothing stops time and life, so why not just letting myself go with the flow? Why keeping me trapped to you? The more I love is not the more you'll love or ever think about me, so why am I not able to get over you? It's not fair, not a fair fight, but here I am, trying to tell myself that I'll get over you, to tell myself that I can get over all this feeling, to tell myself that my madness can make me run through all the good things, without thinking of you, but it hasn't been possible.

Así como Shakira lo dice, no he conocido ojos como los que tienes tu!!

Let Me Go!!!

2011-01-27T18:17:00.000-08:00

I am sick and tired of all this routine in the hospital. I am sick of having to spend my days in the bed with the face against the pillow, due to the eye surgery. I am sick and tired of being alone. I am sick and tired of always running from love. There is nothing I crave more but human touch. And no, you might know me quite well, but I am not talking about sex, I am craving for a hug, for a kiss, for someone whispering me that despite all the things that gone wrong, everything will be fine!! I am craving for a body by my side in my bed, without anysexual intentions, just to stand there by my side, staring me, touching me or just kissing my neck, my face and my lips. Someone to shove the hair from my eyes and to clean my silent tears.

I've never felt so alone and I gotta say that my body suffered a few mutations with my diseases, so who's up to be aside a mutant? Who's up to cuddle me? Who's up for anything? Friends... My friends are way cool, they're way nice, but they cannot dream what's really going on with me and, depending on me, it'll be my secret for a long, long time. But I need more they can offer me. I wish I was so highed, I almost fell apart.

Tomorrow, another appointment, at 10 a.m.. A few more hours spent in the hospital, seing beautiful and ugly people walking the corridors. Young and new. Too hopeful or too hopeless.

I wish I could spread my angel wings and simply fly away!

I wish all that I dream off, I wish all that voices in my head show me was for real outside. I wish my soul could be hunted! I wish i could hunt myself again and never ever think or dream of you again. Even when i stay in the hospital, had a dream of you. Dreamed you knew me again, dreamed you came after me, knew all the truth about me and despite that, you kissed me in an old stairway, you faced cops for me, we run away together, but you're way too far, so it has just been a dream. And I knew it was a dream for the very early beggining!!

I still wonder, how do one person, can hurt another so much? How do someone can love another person this much? Before you, I used to dream of love, but never this bursting. There is an old poem which says that love is fire that burns but we cannot feel, Pain which hurts but we cannot feel. This has never been truth to me, till I have found you, have had you in my life, R., and then you just shake me out of your life. Then you suddendly returned and all you did during the days I saw you, was staring at me, including in the party's night.

As soon as I can, I wanna smoke some hash, no matter how I'll feel after that, because i know it'll bring you up to my thoughts again. I wanna walk up the nocturnal streets, feel the wind blow at my face... I just wanna let go... Let go all this feeling! Let go all this stuffs!

I want you to let me go!

Fascination

2011-01-25T16:43:00.000-08:00

This won't be such an happy or funny or even interesting post!! This will be for someone who just read my blog and said it's fascinating this whole thing of the voices within my head, of the feelings of my alter-egos, of the working mind of this human being who's typing down here right now.

For me, typing this down, dealing with all these voices within my head, dealing with yellings, like that little animal which was Pinnochio's conscience, dealing with lots of cigarettes, dealing with sleepless nights are not something weird or new for me at all. Angel's still killing monsters, whenever he feels bored. He even creates them, just for the fun to kill them out! Nina... Well, that little bitch, would love to pick a motorcycle and go for a ride with a huge muscular guy and have a wild sex session with him, or just get drunk, while relaxing in the beach at night! There are other voices, but none of them is identifiable, none of them gets a shape. Suppose they're not that important; are they??

Changing the matter:

There is not I can't wait like the summer, now. I am a Winter lover, but after texting my loving Sofia this afternoon and the last few days, after discovering that, after all, she understands my feeling for you, R., because she is in the same situation, despite she is trying to hide it, like she always does. We talked the last noon about some wonderful places in our beloved Portugal, some beaches, about the sea and she said that in Summer we would go there, to change of place, to forget this wicked city. And that's why i can not wait for Summer. Who knows, maybe Summer brings good things my way too. It can't all be bad, it can't always be bad things. And there are good things which come with bad times, that helps us to pass over them. What can be worse than this, what can be worse than the doom within me, within my blood, within my veins, my soul and my essence?

Who's gonna embrace me? Who's gonna pick me on the lap, take me flying so high and then let me fall to death? Who will let me go down, so down, that neither devil's be able to grab me? Who will hug me, without a word, without a judge? Who will love me, after this physical mutations, due to my diseases? Who will be able to stand my nights in the café? Who will want to go over with me, wherever I go? Why am I so alone? Why can't I get you out of my mind?

Do I deserve a bit of love? Do I deserve, no matter what? Tell me, do I deserve to do my art? Do i deserve this words' gift? Do I deserve the fame from my work? Why do I feel fascinated by a flying leaf? Why do a cat make me wonder how is it to pick him up and just cuddle him? Why do animals seems more pleasant to me, than humans? Why are people so interesting, in the end?

So many questions, so few answers... And life keeps passing by!

I Wish...

2011-01-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

That there were a moment only mine. A moment that no one called for my attention. A moment that no one would crave for my presence. A moment that no one would call my name. A moment where I could be on my own, with no lights, no music, no life at all!

I wish there were those moments like the last few nights in the hospital, when anxiety called me out there to smoke a cigarette. A moment of peace, despite all the sick people along the nurseries. A moment of loneliness that would not taste bad. A moment where I could be me, only!

But I also wish all the contrarious things! I wish for the kiss of a hard lover! I wish for the hug of a motherfucker! I wish for a ride in high speed, like the one in the last week! A moment of being high, with no wories on the world out there! I wish peace! I wish war! I wanna live!! I wanna die!! Cats to barks, dogs to meow! Birds to climb trees and apes to fly! I wish a coloured sky and black mountains! I wish everything... I wish nothing!

Are Any More Words Necessary?

2011-01-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

Tell me, babe, are any more words necessary? Doesn't all those words I wasted here tell everything? Doesn't all the musics I waste on you tell all my pain? Why do you still look at me? Why now, that I am broken and done? Why can't I let you go?? Why, like a fool, I still bear your eyes on me?

I need to spread my wings and fly... And let you behind...

2011-01-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

Last night had a wonderful night. Had a party! Lots of metal and rock and a DJ after that! I danced all night long. And I saw your green eyes on me, right when "Fear Of The Dark" was about to begin and you know what? I don't give a fuck, by now! "Fear Of The Dark" is ma song and I jumped all over, I screamed, I sang, I danced, I had fun!! Lots of fun!! That was my night and I enjoyed it as much as I could and you couldn't stop me!! No one could stop me from having amazing fun!! :)

I want some more parties. I want some more car rides! I want some more nights out!! Definitelly, not much inspired to write tonight, but something like this needed to be said!!

A perfect Night

2011-01-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

A perfect night out, dancing, having fun, smoking some pot, having a few drinks and being with friends, instead being all the time in the café!! Turtles and Paulinho, happy 4th birthday to Nosso Café!! :) I wish I had the time to enjoy a bit more of the party, but my ride just left, so, home time!! :)

And ya, love!! I saw ya!! I felt your eyes on me, but this is not a night to think on what gone wrong. Tonight, is not the night do moan on you. It was my night to go out and dance, enjoy and have fun!! And I surelly did it!! So, it was my night!! And I had lots of fun!!

Love y'all, readers!! Love y'all, brothers!! Love y'all, friends!! Love y'all, lovers!!

Peace, love & respect,

Bruno (and all his alter egos)

You, again...

2011-01-06T19:26:00.000-08:00

You, again... It seems that's it's now on my daily basis, to you see you everynight. I am sick and tired of this feeling! i am letting myself going with the flow, letting someone grab my hand and pull me up, but there you are, almost ruining my chance to lift up...

Your eyes settled over mine, once again... No more way to lies, no more way to cheating on myself, it's you who I love. It's you who I need! It's you who I need to forget... You can do no good to me!! You never did no good to me!! You were and you still are like a drug... At the simple scent of you, I am running after you, I am running after your green eyes look, I am looking for your wicked smile, I am looking for your love... I am still wishing that the dead flower inside my chest turns into a beautiful spring flower again. I would never tell you my little big secret, but you would be safe for my temptations! I would never let anyone hurt you, but I would never let you be hurt! I would drown for you, but I would keep the sea away from you, so it could never take you away from me...

It's enough of this, for me... It's all for your sake... You shake the bag and keep shaking it... But my face is all over the prized balls... Or am I the one shaking the bag? Don't even care, anymore... I saw you, once again, for the second, or third night of this week... Are you going to be in the party too? Are you going to haunt the night I am looking forward? Hope not... I need peace of mind... I need to forget you... But your white snow body, your green eyes are always there... Who am I? Who are you? What are you for me, love? What am I for you?

Your eyes, over mines... They just run... Are you affaraid of the past? I am not, I am willing it! Can you just go with the wind, again? So I can miss you, but not revive your sweet nightmare... Please...

Mistakes...

2011-01-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

Of so many things I've done in my life, possibly the refuse of someone a couple days ago has been the biggest mistake I've done in my life. But I am not worried... Night is yet a child... Life is yet a child... There is yet a lot to come before all that need to be done. There is so much to be said. There is a long path to be walked. There are many dreams to be dreamt. There are many songs to be sung. There is just too much to be done. And why not recognizing some mistakes and get what is given to me? Is it too late? Perhaps, there's any other person out there wishing to love me... Who knows? I don't and don't really care!!

Ahah! Confuse lines, I know!! I might have lost the chance to be loved, but there are just too many people out there!! I can wait! We can handle this! We can not! I can fly! I can not! The night is all mine! It belongs to no one! Ahah!! I just want a car in high speed in a highway, a lot of pot to be smoked and nothing else matters, but the speed!! :)

Mistakes are part of the human being! Who haven't made a mistake? A single one, even just a wrong type? A little thing!! I am human, after all! I have feelings, I have what can be called of feelings... Maybe too many and being affraid of getting hurt, I try to hide them!! It is too much for me to handle! I can not keep going in this kinda "flight"! Sacrifice!! It is my soul's sacrifice!! It's your sacrifice, tearing your eyes down on my words!!It's something... It's nothing... It's me!! I'm nobody!! NO, I AM SOMEONE!!

One more night out in the café!!

2011-01-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

One more night... It gone by, one more night... More cigarettes... More drinks (coke, in my case)... More ashes in the ashtrays... More conversations... More laughs... More melancholy for me...

I decided to take my mobile off my pocket and starting recording the night. I got three nice videos of us talking, laughing, smoking, drinking and all the normal things in the café. It was so nice, but when I record those nights, it's like if I was wanting to stay alive through those videos. May be that the reason? May be that why I always want to have videos of mine, in those nights out, in the café?

I can not explain the reason. I couldn't do it. There are a few things in my life that has no reason to be, that has no reason to happen... Like the cigarettes I smoke. The ashes they do. The ashes the wind takes from them. My sadness. My melancholy. My desires. My dreams. My hopes.

What are dreams made of? Why do they come to us? Why do some people dream of prophecies and others don't?

After this night out, went with a girl to the ATM, after the car ride, not to let her go alone and stood a while with them, because of a lil' gang passing by. Cool! Went down the stairs, walked the tunnel way fast and got inside home. Right now, they're possibly drinking, dancing, having fun... I wanted to. If I had money... They said someone could pay me the night out... I wanted to. If I had the guts to stand my mum's face, reproving everything I do, everything in my life... I am missing one night out... I am missing one car ride in the highway, in high speed, through the night, under the moonlight...

Ghosts... My ghosts are there... I've seen him... And he's haunting me... I can't move on... I can't be happy... And I can not forget...

Bittersweet

2010-12-31T21:49:00.000-08:00

Time passes by. The weel keeps turning. Life still goes on. And after seing you yesterday, after tasting your green eyes again, I feel cooler... I said I didn't wanted someone else's hand, but today I let myself go a bit with the flow. Talked to who offered me hope... I am trying to give hope to someone needing it... Someone believing to be in my situation ( not about you, in the end, you're not the only thing in my life) and needing a little light and here I am, trying to give that hope to him.

Today, I accepted a conversation online with that person that, eventhough he doesn't really knows me (and yeah, not like you, definitelly!), that says he feels into me, he wants to love me, to take care of me... Well, Sofia said "once you can't love, let yourself being loved!". Why not?? But definitelly, not into letting myself go with the flow... I want to... But I don't want to... Definitelly, not into warming more beds... Not into going on shinny paths, when darker ones are safer... No more into losing myself again, because of someone...

What to do? What can I do? I don't need an answer, I need action...

Why??

2010-12-30T18:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I said to a guy that someone in my past broke my heart so hard, that when I have chances to be loved, I just run away. I turn my back and walk away. I just can not open the gates to my heart anymore. Those barrieres I created around me are too strong. Someone penetrated them, but I fought and could make that person give up.
Today, the reason for that barriers, shown up in my life, once again. Those eyes, settled in mine, again. That body, almost touched mine. That scent, entered my nose, invaded my soul. I saw him! He saw me! Does he loves me? Does he even reminds me? I would kill for him! I would die for him! I would take a shot or a stab for him! I would fly to the moon and return for him. So many years passed by and still I don't know how to let love come into my heart. So many years gone by and he is still the reason for the barriers around me. He still is the reason for the gates in my heart, locked and chained, so no one can penetrate it.
My mind... My poor mind siffered such a hit today. Smoked a little bit of pot, that I wasn't wishing to, just because I was wanting to stop thinking about him. Things gone wrong! I am no more the same Bruno. Once again, something changed about me. The time I lost him, the time he was mine, changed me. Learned and growned a lot with that guy. He shown me myself without the shell, he shown me myself!! He saw how I was... He left me naked, no clothes, no make-up on my bad things or in the good ones... He knew, even being drunk, exactly how I was, in the very first time we have ever talked. And i miss someone who can do that! Someone that wake me up with a single smile. Someone that drive me crazy like this. But, in the end, I was just nothing, just another one.
I'm not yours,
You're not mine. but why? Why things gone this way? Why did you destroyed the best that I had in me? And why have you decided to come into the café where I go every single night of my life? Why did you came and messed my world, without a warning? Why do you still affect me?
I feel ridiculous feeling something like this I feel ridicyulous to still dream of you I feel ridiculous of holding a vain hope of having you in my life again. I hate it! I hate you! I love you!

Doubts and Choices

2010-12-29T19:15:00.000-08:00

It's strange how do we spend a whole file fighting to get something and when it's given to us, we run away from it. For a long while that I am alone, since I've fell in love with a guy... A terribly handsome guy, with the typical smile of the hunters... A guy who talked to me naked and drunk, for the very fisrt time, but that absorbed all of my soul in that same moment. Our second conversation, both serious and fun, but then he shown me myself without the shell and it was what made me love him. He could make me fly without the pot, just his addictive smile, his green eyes... Then, it came the end, because I've been nothing, but a hobbie for a few days. I believe that, despite the hate I felt in the following days, something of me remained in him... Now, a few years later, I still think of him. His smile still aunts my dreams. When I dream of faceless smile, it's his smile, his motherfucker look, his wicked body I see.

Now... It actually had a guy who I met yesterday, we've been chatting but he was insisting to be part of my life, to be someone that would stand by my side and I just had to run away. I felt like if my kingdom was being invaded. I closed my heart a long while ago.

Sorry. The moon shinning is still the same nowhere blue sky's moon I've seen where I came from. This is the same brilliance I've seen ages ago. This is the same moon which shone over my caravan. in my previous life. This is the same moon brilliance that Dinosaurs saw. But for me, this is no longer the same moonlight since that ghost was born inside of me. This is no longer the same heart I've had, these are no longer the same feelings, I used to feel.

Walking down the street, listening to the cars passing by... Listening to the tiny voice of the river in my city... Paying attention to the groups out there... Choosing, once again, the dark park to walk home even faster than usually... Pot, lots of pot smoked today, but it wasn't enough... The more I smoke, the less good it's doing, because my soul doesn't stops feeling... in fact, it feels more, my mind, my thoughts are unleasehd. The night is tastier highed and the road and high speed are more willing to be gotten.

Sometimes, I think how it would feel if I coud turn back time. If I could go back and change some stuffs. If could have done different options... This is time for me to pick someone up and get my "marriage"... Why? Why do people always think that the solution for my "complication" is getting someone? Why would i want to reapeat that bad experience? Why?

I wish I was next to the sea... To find my hole in the ground, warm and humid, and hide inside, such as a hurted beast. I need peace of mind, but it's unrecheable. I needed the whole languages and every supports and materials to paint a canvas and evethough,that would never be enought to say what's on my mind, on my soul.

I don't need you... You don't need me... It's all relative... There are many fishes in the sea, go out and fish any other else... I am a broken thing, without any possible fixing... I need my space... To pack up my stuffs and move to the house which belonged to my beloved grand dad for a few days, weeks or months... I need to get in a stranger's car and being driven through the night, to far away from here... Maybe this stranger is the killer which will save me all the pain... The killer I look for everysingle night I pass in that dark park... Maybe, justy another lover of single night and I'lll never see or hear from him again... The forest whispers my name and the darkness beings are trying to call out my soul... But, once again, I am too far...

Suicide is NOT an option... Not now! Self-harming... Tomorrow it would hurt even more looking to my arms, to my new scars. What to do? Fall asleep and never ever wake again.

Vain... It's everything so vain...

2010-12-24T20:57:00.000-08:00

Life, for example. People try to grab it as strong as they can, but it escapes through their fingers. Life and Time pass by and we can not buy them back. They go, they run and laugh at our faces.

Lies!! Lot's of lies!! Nothing more, but lies!! Why are we always cheating on each others? What's the matter? what's the point?

Tonight, though it's Christmas, I am not fine. I am in one of those nights I feel I am doing nothing on Earth's surface, I am feeling such a deep sadness, a deep melancholy, but I can not put on words all my feelings. I can not sa what's going inside my old soul.

I read others' poetry, some people who are not published and then I look at mine and that's when I doubt of my abbilities. I start disliking my words, I start disliking my paintings, I start disliking so many things in me... And I try, try hard, try harder, but it seems nothing's good enough to my soul. I feel it in shattered pieces, like a lil bit of ash disperse in the wind, flying over the sea.

The sea... Oh! How I miss the sea, it's chant, it's small, it's grandness... The sea, my brother, who cries so many similar pains to mine.

I need to go off to bed... Head's hurting... And this is being to heavy... Heavier than it ever was!

Eated Up Inside

2010-07-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, there's the feeling of loneliness between thousands of people, it's how I am feeling between my friends and their friends, at their house. I feel alone, I feel invisible, I feel like not belonging here... Sometimes, I wonder if I ever have belonged to this world? I see more than people, I see through them, I see their fears, I see their sad faces, when they wish to show up a radiant smile, I see the sadness and the fear in their eyes... I am not sleeping for the last nights, I sleep very few, I am full of nightmares... What's wrong here?? What's going wrong with me???

2010-06-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

I wanna know where to go. I wanna know what to feel. I wanna know what I feel in this world... I wanna be able to write or paint down what my soul is feeling...

No more emptiness... No more lonely nights... No more vain cigarettes... No more desires... No more dreams... Nightmares, that's all the has been left to me. Nightmares are constantly showing up!! That's all I can dream now...

I try to dream of my land, that land I belong at... But there's nothing more left to dream...

Looking For Beauty

2010-06-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's funny how days go by, how years keep passing and I am looking for the same thing: beauty!! I find pieces of it, like in this sweet song... I got no words to write down... Just needed to share.

Voices

2010-05-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

Time goes by and there are wonderful things... Like this voice!! I used to be able to wear my voice like this, but then, it came tobacco!! And getting cold!! And being sixk a few times, drinking cold drinks, or eating ice-creams... I m trying to be able to do this again!! Even I am a guy, I have the right to do what I've been given the chance to!!

Melancholy & A Garden

2010-05-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when melancholy hits me, I feel tempted to listen to songs like this. And today, after have gone to Decathlon store in Sintra and after looking to the mount with the palace on the top, covered in really dark clouds, with some rain falling and strong cold wind, I felt a lil bit melancholic... I like days like this, but it always happens that some melancholy comes through me and makes me feel a lil bit with a cold "thing" in my chest.

I'm pretty way creative in days like this, I write more, I used to paint more, I sing more... And I feel more!! That's the important thing!!

And I remember qhen I visited the palace of Queluz with my teachers, yet on school time. When we came to its gardens, when I walked side by side with my teacher, my hands in my pockets and just our voices, our steps, the statues, the bushes and the sunny afternoon... I need to get some friends and go for it someday!! I really need to!!

Back To The Past

2010-05-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

Back to the past?? Or just wandering through life's memories, to help to heal the future and the present?? Like I do with hash, or weed smoking, I try to make life's better or easier, but it's a thing of a moment!

But it's great that I've had gone to get this songs on youtube! I think of the past... I live life in a "fiesta", something like an every night's party, in café with my friends, in the streets, in my imagination. Laugh, still am the melancholic thing, but different now. I've learnt to deal with my humour changes, I've learnt not to make a drama of each and evry situation, learnt to be more patient, learnt to know that everything has a place and a time, some things can't be changed or hurried up. It's better... But I think it won't be good anytime!

Summer melancholy

2010-04-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

This is a typical Summer day... Lots of Sun, the air is too HOT, I feel like melting. I was supposed to be happy, right?? People feel depressed on Winter, due to rain, the lack of Sun and so on... Well, I am not that happy!! I feel I am unable to be really happy!!

I am in the cyber shop I use to come lately to be a little in the internet to write down on my blogs, to see my friends pictures or to talk to some of them. At my side, there's a guy who seems to foccused on the computer to notice I am looking at him sometimes. There were a couple in some computers out there, who the guy looks at me so many times, that it seems he's interested in me. Today I am trembling all over, I got a heartache since I woke up, I barely eated... Sometimes, lots of times, I feel tired of this life, of this existence and nothing saeems to help, nothing seems to cease pain away... I cant´t explain how do I really feel!! It's like if I had an iceberg inside my chest, like if loneliness was a knight over a black horse, popping out from any Alladin movie!!

Melancholy... Nostalgy... Singing... What can this feeling be?? Don't know... Maybe someday I will Know... Maybe someday...

A Feeling of Emptiness

2010-04-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

I am feeling empty... Not exactly well... Not exactly bad... Empty!!

How can I define this?? This is like a good feeling that if I wasn't here in this moment, it wouldn't matter where I would be!! I am not in the right mood to write... A couple days ago, I read something about bipolar people and about some artists, including two poets from Portugal, my country, and they said it was needed them to be in such a huge euphoria or in such a huge depression, if they wanted to create... Weel, I recognise some signs of bipolarity in me, but I don't know if I am really bipolar, or if I am just with a humour changing crisis. I need to check psychiatrist, before ever doing anything related to bipolarity...

Just needed to write down a few lines...

It's hot out there... I don't want to be burnt by the sun...

Rose of Fire

2010-04-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

div>

I had a rose of fire

Burning in my heart

Fate won it gambling

In days which already left

Red rose of hope,

Oh this colourless hours

Why do you come, memory,

As a sin of love?

I'm tired of my tired steps,

I haven't gave of getting tired

I carry heavy on my arms

The rest of dreams to the sea

I had a rose of fire

burning in my heart

Fate won it gambling

In days the already gone!!

This is the translation of the poem of the fado that's playing!! I hope you like it as much as me. I wish you're able to understand why did I feel so much my soul... That might be the sadest way to explain the huge passion the kills my soul... The passion, the hunger of living, but the obsession of Death!! It hurts me a lot! And I couldn't be really happy, if it was any different!!

Despair on Love!!

2010-04-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

Lately, it's hard for me to see old pictures. It's hard for me to think on someone I love, because lately I realise my friendships are loves too bigs to be felt like a simple friendship. People in my life are my loves!! I love them so hard that I feel despair just thinking about them! The sea is another HUGE love of mine!! The rain, that's right now falling out there, that leaves an awesome smell of wet earth and wet cement, due to the city, is my obsession, I love walking the streets while it's raining, feeling the rain in my face, in my hair, weting my body!!

Everything, lately, can be related to a sexual desire, to a sexual touch on my body... The simple massage a friend of mine did on my neck last night could be done in a sexual content, but in the middle of the café, just because my neck hurts over two weeks.

I can't explain... In my Facebook, two minutes ago, I saw my tagged pictures, by a friend of mine profile, old pictures, of old smiles, of old laughs and it was just too grand, for my to contain what I feel inside! I love these people in my life, I love them more than I can stand, and I need them there. They've been there in the worse situations in my life, they've been my life saviours, they've been my lungs to breathe, my legs to walk, my eyes to see, when I was too blind to realise about anything!! Thank you all for being there, thanks for the beautifulm thoughts you all give me in melancholic afternoons like this, when rain comes down and my mind starts working in beautiful images, songs and so on!!

I love all you, including penpals, who became extraordinary friends, Like Elizabeth, Erin, my virtual friend, Ludivine, all my friends who I know for years or months... I love you all I need you all in my life... This is despair for you and about you all!! Thank you!!! I love you!!!

Thank you to the sea!! To the rain!! To the night!! To the sun!! To graveyards!! To my paintings!! To my writings!! To my musics!! To those who I sing!! Thanks to everything and to evrytone involved in my life!! I desperatelly love you all!!

Burning Inside...

2010-04-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

It's the time for me to think what I really wanna do. I suffer because I can't tell by words (or in any other way) to the world the way I feel. I try to do that in my poems, but it's never enough, it's never the right words. In my paintings, it's never the right colour or trace, or shadow. I'm falling into a dark wave again.

I go deeper in me! I dig harder and deeper! Nothingness! Just silence! I speak... I shout... But no echo!! No sound!!

I feel tired, painful, every morning I wake up! May it be a vampire, once again, sucking all my energy?? May it be a werewolf atracting me, to possess my body and offer me sexual pleasure as no human being as been able to?? I see some videos on porn (I'm human, after all) of big muscular men fucking each other ass, sucking the dicks, drinking piss or sperm and I think how nice it would be to be there in the middle!! I deon't care much of what others think aboutme, I just care on me... But being me is everyday harder. A constant humour changing, a constant depressive or enthusiastic way of be, of feel!!

A couple years ago, I would be saying "I'm depressed by this, I'm depressed by that", but the worse is that I can't find out a reason to be the way I am. There's no reason for nothing going this way!!

I think I must get a guy and fuck hard! It won't solve anything, but I'll fell much better in the end! I miss having someone else's dick between my legs or in my mouth!! Pervert?? Nah, just confident about my sexuality!! Or I shall smoke soe weed or hash!! Getting real out of my mind, letting this madness go!! Anything... I just would like to stop feeling for a while!!

Being Myself!!

2010-04-07T08:37:00.000-07:00

Being myself, once again... Being what I was in the past, without leting myself go in a wave of depression and suicidal thoughts!! Though Death is the obsession of my soul, the obsession of my own, I know it'll come, so why to waste time thinking of her?? I know she's looking for me, I know she'll come when it's the time, so why should I waste too much time on her?? She know I love her right away, I'll spread my arms and let her embrace me!!

In one of these friday nights, my friend M. took me and one friend of her, S., to the beach at night!! There's nothing so grand as the sea, as it's envolving smell, as it song, laying in the sand!! I wish I was so drunk or so highed I wouldn't mind to go and let him touch me, let him love me, let him do whatever he wants with me!!

Of course I still wander around! Of course I still feel loss, or in a deep despair, of course sadness (one of my best inspirations to create) is still a nice company to a cigarette, together with a nice song!! I know that extremely beautiful things are inside of me, though I can't put them down on canvas, paper, words or whatever it is!! That's one of my final lines, to find myself, to find the rifght way to show the huge kingdom reborn inside of me, the huge sea that makes me dreams of songs of a rare beauty. That's one of the things that hurts me the most, being unable to show off my soul!! Maybe someday it'lll change... Maybe someday, I'll travel the world and it'll be cooler inside of me!!

Artificial/Mechanical Happiness

2010-03-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

There's only 15 minutes left here, in the computer, on the internet store. I've been looking for jobs online, I've been contacting some friends, I've been having a little fun, and now, I'm listening to music, while to guys talks out loud on my left side! Life has been a bit dificult, but nothing that my inner world, that my world inside my own mind doesn't helps!!

I can be crazy, but I see wonderful places, I see the future and the past, within my own mind... Right now, I'm not sure on what writing, but I can ear the flying cars out there, I can hear the mechanisms under the city moving, the gears turning, the smoke poping out... And there's nothing better for me, but to get into my own world!! :) Crazy?? Nah, an alternative way to be (artificially) happy!!

Late at night....

2010-03-05T15:26:00.000-08:00

I'm just in front of the laptop, while a group of guys talks out loud, while they smoke hash... I smoked my hash part too and I am expecting more to come to me... I am aware of what I am saying... I am aware on which way I'm walking now, once again... I am just unable to do anything to fight the sadness feeling, the feeeling of not knowing myself, of not being able to understand what I am really feeling.

Late at night, I gotta stand loads of hip-hop playing, hip-hop guys who will give me their hash to smoke. Late at night, when everyone seems to be at home sleeping, things are not how do most of lamb of society think things are. People think that everyone wake up soon in the morning to have loads of work to do, but late at night, "ordinary" people are somewhere, smoking some weed or some hash, just because it helps to relax from the exhausting day of work. Just because it helps them dealing with other human beings.

Late at night, I lose myself, just to find myself inside my own kingdom, fighting to rise it from the ashes... All this, late at night...

What to do??

2010-02-27T15:54:00.000-08:00

I am the one who walks alone... I am the shadow everyone tries to ignore... I am a thought on someone's desiring for sin... I am the red rose of a bouquet of Tulips... I am the one who the night hurts... I'm the one who cries in silence long gone Eras... I am the one who loves without being stuck...

I can't fight anymore against all these storms... I can't try again to be fighting laziness in the sense to change my way. I can't do the role of being someone else anymore. I can't make sense even for myself... I am sure everyone understands I am highed in this right moment and it could be a tragedy of headshoted suicide and a goodbye letter and, for everyone around, I would be just highed writing this...

"Pain... Pain... It just won't goes away...

Why?...

Mom... Mom... She just left with a strange man...

Where did she gone?...

My gay lover is trying to fish all my attention out...

What does he wants from me? Does he love me?..."

Thoughts like this, can be heard in everyone corner of the city... Just pay attention and listen... Questions like this are all over the world and people prefer to ignore them...

Anime... "Darker Than Black" just fits the anime that could define my life... Dark... Foggy nights... Dramas... Friends... Drugs or addictions... LIFE!!... It's weird how do my life can be seen that way, in an anime, for the world to see and recognize it's failures and similarities...

I'm leaving soon...

I am the shadow everyone tried to ignore...

"Isn't someone missing me?"

Losing My Mind

2010-01-27T15:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I still wonder why do I care. Sometimes, I still try to fix things out, but this has been long empty times, with no blogging. Late at night, at a friend's house, I'm here, in front of a damned computer with a fuckin' connection to the internet, after a few months without being able to blog about what I really fuckin' care.

I am lost, I could say, but am I really lost? I find myself laughing, smiling, having long shitty conversations with friends in the cafe, reading shitty magazines about celebrities (?)... I even bought a gay magazine today, to read, to see naked man, but there were no naked men at all.

I know the at least two friends of mine will be travelling to Scotland in September and as I hope to get a job soon (shouldn't I have got it months ago, if I wasn't too lazy to look for?), I hope to get my passport and an airplane ticket to USA, to to LA. I imagine me and E. in the beach, with lots of hot man hanging around, and we pretty gorgeous laid in the sun, with lots of sun protector (factor 50+) and ice cream and lots of men to fuck with, to have lotsa fun, to use, to abuse... I know all that from dreams... And they're too far, as I can't help myself.

Back and about to Rock...

2009-09-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

This is it... Maybe things are about to come back to their place. I've seen/read somewhere that there's a right time and space for everything to happen and it was the time to return. I started painting again, after a big break on that due to my depression and to my medicines. It seems that when I was taking my medicines to fight depression, I couldn't paint, I couldn't write... Just singing, because singing didn't request my soul to do that. It doesn't mean I don't put my soul in my singing, it just happened that my feelings wasn't all the entire base for me to sing.

When I paint, I used to paint what I was feeling. Now, on my return, I'm focused on human (feminine) bodies and faces. I always did, I expressed my feelings through others expressions, and now it's my stronger phase. I am wishing to finish my studies, I am wishing to do my art and be able to become part of the infinity. I want people to remind me, when I die. I don't want to be forgotten when I disappear. I am trying to write some poems in English, I want to try to publish them in USA, in any kind of magazine or newspaper and maybe try to put all them together and publish a book. Poetry s not that important, but I am trying to do something... I have also had some ideas for my fictions and to get my old fictions back, those I wrote in teen-aging. I want to show my work away... I hope to leave a legacy behind, when I die, when I turn ashes, or a bit of crap under a grave...

Anyway, I've been painting, I've been writing, I kept living my life in cafes , I kept hanging with people, I kept living the streets as I adore... But there's something missing: that special someone I can grab and he'll hug me. That special someone who will open the arms and hold me in my fears... I wanna love, I wanna know that feeling with no fears, no regrets, no sorrow... I wanna be able to let myself go when someone comes close to me and says: "I love you" and I wanna be able to say: "I love you too", without any fear...

I wanna be free and I wanna love... Is that possible, both at the same time??

Perhaps I Am Lost...

2009-09-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight it has been a good night for me. Still no internet, unable of using my computer and being oblied to come to the cyber caffé and paying €2 for one hour in the internet and being unable to see what I wish (right it was porn, till a guy come and sit right next to me and look at the screen... Gay porn and I am feeling a bit bothered).

I wish I could be at home, enjoying some gay porn, with BIG MUSCULAR skinheads fucking some boys skinny asses. I wish I could be laid in my bed, enjoying this decadence of the human nature of gay guys. I wish I could have one of those HUGE MUSCULAR men over me... I wish ne of them was using my hard and even harder each breathe I could take.

Anyway, some thing bad, can also bring something good. Something gooooood for me are the guys who were playing snooker in front of me, with those summer clothes, which leave me see their arms, imagine their back. My imagination in front of hot men is getting each passing day more dirty. My imagination is working each day better, though I can't work i my creative side. My imagination gave a perfect "movie" of me, laid naked over the snooker table and all those guys fucking me... Perhaps, I'm being a bit pervert, but I am human. I have wishses and right now, my wish is to be fucked hard, by a man or by men... Young men and if they're muscular, way better.

Though I am bisexual and I feel myself like being bisexual, I just can't imagine my life with no men. I love men... I worship men... I need men to feel alive sexually. Maybe that's a sign that in the end, I am gay, but what the hell is so wrong with that?? What the hell is so wrong of wishing to be fucked? What's so wrong of wishing a hug between males, instead huging a female or being huged by a female??

I am just human... I am just a guy needing to calm down and relax, before something bad goes on me... I need to try to relax and stop having my mind workng 1000 km/h all the time, eventhough when I'm sleeping...

Confusion

2009-08-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

And it seems its a neverending confusing state. Things seems to be a neverending spiral of confusing states of mind. Its like the neverending run for our lives... It doesn't necessariously means we're endangered, but its the need to be living in the present moment, the urgent need to be living in a fast way, to be doing the things in the moment, to be unable to rest, eventhough I'm not working in the present moment...

I'm tired... I'm really tired... And I need some rest... Something which makes me rest for a while...

Happy Days

2009-07-31T12:31:00.000-07:00

Where are they?? Wasn't I supposed to be happy with another birthday coming?? But since I remember, I always hated my birthdays. Since I can think of, I always tried to hide on my birthday. I always wished to be dead gone in that day. I always wished to shot anyone's head who wished to me a happy birthday. Thats not a happy day for me. That's not a day I like to be recalled at, that's not a day I wish to be happy and all smilie around!

You might be thinkin I hae the idea of getting one year older. Well, too bad news for ya: I don't fuckin' care about my age. That's just a number on a card and on a paper. It's unexplainable, I simply hate it! And since my dad passed away, 12 years ago, it's getting worse, year by year. The older, the more I hate this day. And my granny passed away 5 years ago, so it was worse! An worse, and worse and worse, day by day, year by year...

I was fucked up ast night. I woke up late and messed up in my head, anger, sad, today and I don't even want to imagine how will that be tomorrow! When tomrrow arrives, I wish a bottle of poison to drink it and leave this wicked world, hich keeps me trapped here. I hate being here, around this days. It would be greatif I could leave, if I could get an airplane and fly to Greece, to Thessaloniki, where I've been some yars ago, and stay there for a few months! It would be just perfect!!

I want to stop feeling this way. I wantto be happy, to be cool down, to be relaxed, to be fine, but no... It's the night I'll get highed or drunk and will barely find strenght enough to come home. I wnna burn my brains, burn my body, burn everything involved in my existance! I want to be gone...

I feel like vanishing with the wind... Slowly, fading away...

Memories

2009-07-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

Second post of the night!! I'm inspired tonight!!

After hanging around on myspace and facebook, I just realised of how things changed! I think I've gone depth in this question, after checking some friend's photo albums. And this is the really matter. I still remember when the photo albums werethosehuge old books, with pictures in it, that we used to open when we was feeling nostalgic or depressed with present days or life. They was such big and heavy books, full of memories, that used to set free a strange smell like if something dead was hidden deep inside the paper pages. Memories of happiness, of sadness, melancholy, loneliness, emptiness... But memories! At the time, it was hard to destroy one f those pictures, to throw them away, because we knew we pobably wouldn't have a chance to get it back, and then that little bit piece of the past would be forever gone. By now, we can delete the picture with a simple press in a buttonat we know they will be in the computer disk, or in the memory card, or anywhere where we keep them safe, eventhough we don't even wish to see what's it!

And memories... Yesterday, I got this song from The GazettE, this piano play, and it brought to me such good feelings. In the afternoon, I went out, I went onto one of those never-ending of chinese stores which are around here, to buy some head phones to my mp3. For a long, long time I didn't had a Saturday afternoon for myself, for my shopping, for looking to the people passing in the streets. For a long, long time I haven't gone to one of those chinese stores, feeling their typical smell, looking to the cheaps and low quality products and choosing something to take home. And on Saturday, I did! And I was listening to this song. My imagination fled me onto one of those chinese/japanese movies I like to watch and I felt like in the other side of the planet, in a chinese or japanese store! I travelled far with my imagination, like it haven't happened for a long, long time! And I am happy about that! It was like living a memory, it was a memory lived in the moment! I hope to be able to go shopping with my mum next Sunday, in the clothes' store we used to go! I hope to buy something for him! I have my accounts to pay, but I want to forget them for once, forget I'm unemployed, forget my accounts have to paid and g shopping with my mum! Maybe buying something for her, nverting the role for this time... Just for once! And reminding the past, the happier simple moments of the past, in the present days! I'm getting insane, but I am happy with my insanity!

ALL HAIL INSANITY!! :)

Times passes by...

2009-07-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

And it seems that even things turn better, there's always something to help me to fall! I get myself always looking at any cute guy around but I am always alone. Yesterday or the day (night) before yesterday, I went to a friend's birthday. After the party, after the effect of the weed being passing from my mind, after everyone have said goodbye to each other, me and another good friend of mine stayd chatting for a while and I realised that even the fact of my rare presence between them now, it doesn't means people doesn't talk about me. About my life... It turns into a serious thing when someone says I have a boyfriend, who's a big fagget! Hmm, interesting!! And the funny part of the thing is that it was my friend Sofia, who said that and introduced a boy like if he was my boyfriend! It seems I gotta check who's really worthwhile to have around me. It seems I need to do a shutdown within me again, within all those who surround me and check who reall must keep around...

Days are HOOOOT!!! Nights freeze my bones out! I am feeling sick tonight... I ate lots of ice cream, so my throat hurts. I drink cold Cola, so it keeps hurting! But fortunatelly I still can use it to sing and to make the weird noises I do around! :) That's good!!

I need more... More than this notingness that my life became. More than this loneliness which is killing me, though it has bee my choice, till now!~

Now, I choose to be happy!!

Needing a bit of high speed!

2009-07-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

It's not a matter of beig feeling guilty about something. I regret nothing, by now! Till now, there's nothing I've done wich made feel my sleep for it!

But I was supposed to being feeling guilty, because I have had sex with a man and I haven't kept in touch or replied to his sms on my phone. That's what he said, when I finally decided to break this "iceberg" between us and has told him that by time being, I just hve had sex with him, I didn't knew him from nowhere and I wasn't feeling intended to do that. He said I wasplaying with people's feelings. I am not!! He knew exactly what he should expect from me,as I've told him from the beggining!!

Anyway, I was just needing a bit of high-speed tonight... A ride in a HOT guy's car, through the highway with no Destiny, has I've done with my goddaughters an the ex-broter-in-law of one of them. I was always at home at 2 am, like my mother said me to do, but we've gone lots of times through the highway, at night, with no Destiny, and when we felt we have arrived, we stopped somewhere and stayed in the car to smoke some weed. And those night were just fantastic. And I miss it, and I want to do that with someone special for me. With a guy I coul love and he could love me in return, with no strings or boundaries. Nothing to stop u from oving each other and stopping us from being together. And yeah, I said a boy, a guy, I love men, they're just fantastic for me and I can't spend one single day of my life without desiring them.

Like I said, I'm not feeling sorry for the other's guy stuff, I don't regret, he knew exactly what he will get. I am just a bit tired of behaving like a bitch and I am needing to stop and try to deal a bit with someone... Not that guy, but some other out there whichfeels any little kind of interedt about e and I feel the same about him. Why not trying to stop this loneliness?? Why not trying to deliver my heart to someone for the very first time in my life?? Why not fighting the barrier my famiy obblied me to create against them, and stopping doing the others pay for that?? Hope all that works, since I am feeling into about going out at night to dance, to desire, to be desired... Hope all that helps, since I am going back to the beach, leaving my body to fry on the Sun, or to fry freezing, in the sea!! Hope to be happy soon!! If I don't, at least I've tried!!

Don't blame me for trying to be happy... Dont judge me for following my dreams! You had yur chance, it's not my fult if you have missed that!!

Nostalgia...

2009-07-10T17:33:00.002-07:00

Sometimes, I do find myself wondering why do I must give a chance to life to smile to me. Sometimes, I find myself wondering why should I be happy, why should I not smoke, why should I not to drug myself, why should I learn to deal with myself without drugs and so ooooon... People are driving me nuts!! GO FUCK YOURSELF WIT YOUR WELL INTENTIONED COMMENTS!! DON'T YOU GET BORED OF FUCKING ANOYING THE OTHERS??

I am feeling a weird changing in me. I am wearing coloured clothes sometimes I am wishing to go to the beach and fry my skin and my brains at the sun, I am wishing to go to the sea to take my bath, I am walking Cacém, getting my trone back, walking Cacém streets once again... I am feeling something is coming, but I am affrid of losing something along the way... I o need the comfort of my black clothes, I d need my sadness when it comes, I need my loneliness when I am with it in, I need allI have and I need all I don't have... I simply need!!

These last days has been some kinda funny. These last days, I have met people I haven't seen for ages. These last days, I've met some new friends. And so muh more.... But why do I still feel so lonely, so sad, so unsatisfied?? Is it my called artis's soul working?? There are some days I feel tired, old and all I wish isto stay in my corner, relaxing, smoking a lot, thinking, wondering...

What's so fucking wrong with me???

Black or colours?

2009-07-02T13:49:00.000-07:00

That's the most frequent question in my mind lately... I needed to borrow some pants to my aunt, and I saw my old coloured cothes.

It might seem something stupid, but I felt sorry for my clothes being out of usage for so many years... I missed sing colours. I fear to lose my essence. I fear to stop being me for going back to colours. I fear everything around changes.

I FEAR TO LOSE MY REAL ESSENCE... AM I CRAZY? AM I BEING STUPID OR CHILDISH? I NEED A LIGHT... THE TINIEST, THE WEAKEST IT IS, BUT I DO NEED A LIGHT!!

Maybe I'm The Crazy One... Just maybe...

2009-06-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

There's a lot changing lately... Summer time is here, with its overheated HOT and DRY weather. And it seems that with Summer time, people reminded that I exist, that they need me and it's the time for all my friends callsme to a coffee, to be with them for a night, for gambling, for chatting, for weed or anything my presence is requested. And it also seems to be the time I realise I'm changing...

Fortunatelly, I deall with different people... People with all the kinds of life stories, people with different likes, people with different kinda conversations. I don't even feel bothered by strangers.

My god daughter sent me via bluetooth to my cell phone a music called "levaste minha vida" (you took my life). It's a soft piano song with hip-hop rythm, but I like the lyrics and so I'm listening to it. Sorry if you're bothered, so you can search the next blog. *ahah* black roses for ya*

I need so much more, this summer... Maybe a little bit of beach, with extra-strong sunprotector, to keep my whiteness, not to get a lobster coloured skin. eheh* devilish giggle* I feel I am rediscovering my life, the way of being happy, eventhough it's a fake happiness. At last, I'll have something to feel comfortable by.

I need to fall in love... I need to feel a little bit more alive... I need to get my poles balanced, to avoid my crisis... I need so much and at the smaetime, so few!!

Am I the crazy guy? Or am I the guy who just got thirst for life, that everyne around is trying to kill??

Let mebe... Let me think and commit my mistakes... Let me be happy!!

Once upon a time...

2009-06-16T17:24:00.001-07:00

There were a soul... A little shinnig star in the night sky of burning stars. That little star used to dream of a beautiful universe of art, music and beauty.

Time passed by and the star started getting disapointed with the world... Things weren't going in the direction it wanted. Everything gone different...

Now, its a lost little artist... It lives in caffes with friends... It listens to an old voice of the past... It writes some poetry... It smokes a lot... It do lots of things normal and so many others that are not so normal...

You go it, I'm talking about myself.. My star stopped shinning. I stopped feeling... I need my feelings back... I need to know how to feel joy... I need to know how to be able to love someone... I need to be able to fly away, withouth leaving my place once again... I need everything of me back...

Is there anyone reading this? Is there anyone able to help me to?

Tired... And so old...

2009-06-11T16:42:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling tired... Yesterday, I finally talked to my boss... He said he wanted to make a contract to me, 9 moths after being in that caffé. I wanna leave. I told him that probably I would leave, I just needed to talk to my mother first. Cheated. But I came home with that little taste of freedom to come in my mouth and in my soul. But in the reverse, there's my thought on my costumers. I suppose that I don't want people that far as I thought. Lately, I find myself affraid of the idea of being alone. I am affraid, for the first time in a long, long time.

Tomorrow, I'll tell him I wanna leave. No matter how, I wanna eave, with no courts, with no anger, ith no fear and no regrets. I don't wanna look back. I just wanna leave and stop for a while. People lok at me and say I look way older than 21 and that's my age. I look way older, I feel the rides under my eyes... *hehe*, rides does not scare me! Anyway, I feel older than 21. There are some days I feel like if I was 10 years old and in other days, I feel like I was 90 years old.

I need to focs in the real matter... I wanna leave and I'll tell it to him tomorrow. I know my friend will be mad at me, but I feel to tired. Lately, I feel I smile much less than I already used to, I feel I think there's nothing happy or funny enough. I need to hange some things but thre's no more strenght for now. I justneed to leave.

Despite all of this, despite this wicked depression I'm feeling into again, I feel more trustful than never before. It's like this weariness is not strong enough to bring me down. But my body is exausted. I am too tired. It's like there were two strong weights in a balance and there were no balane point between the two of them. Or like if they were too heavy for that nd it was about to break. I need to rest! FRIENDS AND BUDDIES, I NEED TO REST! IS THAT TO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND??

Old people... New people...

2009-06-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

It's funny how do we meet scared for them... Not exactly scared, but the fear of seing them again,after a long period of time withouth even feeling their look! And when we meet,through our friends, old internet buddies, it's weirder.

I can not explain this... It's that kinda feeling that only when somene experiences it can understand. It was such a weird day off from job. Woke up at 4 p.m., went to the caffé at 6, met some friends, has been there with another friend, went home and I am going to the caffé again. Don't know why do I feel like sadened in the end of another day, when sun goes down nd moon starts shinning up there in the sky. Smoking, sat in a chair, looking the sky out there...Poet,Fadista, painter and many other things... I could be tht and much more... I wish I was that and much more... I wish I could...

One more day, another defeat... Always here, always the same..

When we're thinking...

2009-05-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

I've been watching some guys' profiles on a agy guys website and there's something I' been readingso much lately: "I want cool boys". I am cool... "Easy going and fun guys". I am easy ging and fun... "Peopl who likes and knows how to enjoy life". I do! That's something that bothers me lately... Just because I feel just a little bit too much things, just because I do wrshp Death, it doesn't means I don't smile, I am not funny, I am not loveable, I am not worth of anything from anyone. It doesn't means I'm nothing more but a darkened clothed guy, sad and always listening to music in the mp3. Just try to find me, just dre tot ouch within me and you'll see...

I'll write down a short thing, like a short story, I've been imaginating 5 minutes ago some words and I'll try to work a little thing down!
He's gone by now. We fought really hard, we yelled at each other. He's a cop and I am a bandit. Really hard to combine, but something matched with us. But he's a cop and he has just arrived from job. I was awaken at 4 am, waiting for him and thingsne wrg, when we tried to chat at that moment... Then the fight came. He lft, hitted the door and the soft rain out there turnt into a strong storm. Large drops of water was hitting the glass like a little melody. I've been with the window wide open for about an hour and he didn't came. The I just put wool shirt and gone to the streets. I asketo the employer about him, but he told me: "No, Tom! Jim didn't came around here". I left and kept walking in the middle of the rain, till I went home. The sun has already rised and when I walked in the bedroom, he was laid over the bed, with his muscular body uncovered. He just unleashed a smile and called me. I laid nex to him and fell aslept in his arms... Never a dream has seemed so bad for me... But reality hurted much more... But all is fine! All is fine...
Hope ya like it! Too lame for me...

2009-05-24T17:43:00.001-07:00

I can not name this post... Not by a lack of imagination, no for fear of fail, not for anything in particular... Maybe for everything in particular. Maybe because I m highed (it might sound ordinary, lately), but I set my imagination freer when I am highed, like tonight. That's somethign good and bad at the same time. Like when we washed cartoons and when someone needs it's conscience, imadatelly appears one angel near one hear a a horny little devil in the other. *hehe*

I am highed... I just read E.'s and Ludi's blogs, I commented them and now I am here... But E. named the post "NOT FUNNY" and it was so funny in the end. Ludi wrote a pst about Groupies and ideas and thought the matter of those two posts were different, they was so looke like to each other... Somehow, they really did... And I was working something out in my mind... And something worked out with the weed I smoked... And something made a light be turnt on in my mind and other something turnt it off. And I wanna stop being like this... I do not mean I am addicted... This shitty thing doesn't addicts people... I mean, I would like to stop being so instable. I would like to be able to feel things in a "harder" way, a littl bit like a masculine straight man of my age. But I feel things just too much... I am moody, my instability on my mood changes is too bad... Unsatisfied about everything... Never confortable...Nights without sleeping... Smoking weed and boozing to "stay alive"... Working oo hard and not gettin paid... Too many thoughts, to much weed and one single night...

I am feeling confused... Affraid of my own soul... Neding to create and like an unavailable womb, aborting the ideas, the confusion, instead of creating the perfect child of mine... Soon, I'll wake up... And I'll realise that I have the power in my hands to change... I am just behaving like someone who has a fat ass and I am not moving it to anything, but to scratch it... WRONG! I need stop being like the american movies' fat guys, moving in the couch, with a t-shirt and his underwear only on, with popcorns over his pregnant look belly and the remot control in the hand...*goth save me*

Gypsy Feeling!!!

2009-05-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight I feel like dancing... Tonight I would love to feel like a gypsy or like one of those nomades arabian guys. I am listening to an arabian song, after hanging to the caffé and ee my god daughter, who's pregnant of 5 months. I do love her, she's way too important for me and we've been a few months without seing each other and tonigt I met her at the caffé. We've been together talking, having fun and so on... I can not describe the feeling I had when I saw her. It was so magical!! She's really, really important for me!!

Tonight I have the best reasons for smiling!! Toight I feel I could dance all night longand in the morning going for work, still dancing and face a whole day of work and hard feelings!! I feel I could do this all my life, being this way, behaving this way, but I know it's not forever lasting. This greatness feeling will not last forever! But I wanna enjoy it while it lasts... My hips are shaking while my ass is sat in the chair. My body shakes at the arabian sounds!!

This night is just feeling great insideof me... My lack of time, my lac of money, my problems seems way too far tonight and I wanna hold this great feeling... Let's have fun tonight, sobber, content, joyful... I wanna be next to a fireplace and shaking my body, while a group of people plays some intruments... I need to let my mind flow, as it's creates inside, to implode to the paper... Mayb it's the beggning of the creation!! So let me be!!

Around and about...

2009-05-16T16:14:00.001-07:00

It was such a strange day... I slept all night long, like I haven't doe for a long, long time. I must confess, I arrived very tired from my job, but I just turnt laptop ON, when I sat in the other couch and fell aslept.

Today, I woke up soon and I was feeling great. I woke up with a smile in my lips, I went to work with that same smile. I kept all day long with that smile and I almost ended up the day with that smile. But I didn't. Suddendly, a sweetened sadness came along and it took over me very slowly. Rght now, I'm a bit highed *once again*, but I can feel that sadness. That's a weird thing like how, in the end of the day, when I was supposed t be happy with the idea of leaving and going home, I was not. Perhaps, it was the idea of having nothing in particular waiting for me out here.

Right now, there's a song of Mariza, "Morada Aberta" (Open Address), playing in the laptop and it's about a love which was gone, like when she left her love wandering around. It's weird like me, the anti-love guy is now feling trapped for this shitty kinda feelings. Sometimes, I just wish I had a Cop waiting for me, laid naed in my bed, desireful to fuck me and in the end, we'll be sleeping huged. In theother hand, I wiss my bed continues empty, to hug only my sadness and melancholy. To embrace my loneliness and my frozen body, in a Winter night, naked laid in the bed.

That's weird... Even more weird, is the fact that I am very calm about this thing. Maybe it's the weed I smoked... Maybe I am just learning to deal with this kinda feelings... Bu I feel a storm of changes coming by. Let's see if it'll be for good or for a bad way. Let's see...

Not the right night...

2009-05-13T17:34:00.000-07:00

To talk about sadness. Not the right night to keep tracking on what I miss more, or what I wish more for the next days. Not the right night to brag about my sadness or melancholia, longing for inspiration for painting, for writing, for publishing my poetries, for anything which drives nut or that makes me sad. Not the right night for writing what I miss or the kinda man (or men) I need.

Weird, but tonight I am a little above that! Tonight I wish to say I can be happy. Toight I wanna show I can smile. TOnight I wanna say I can love, despite I run out of love, because I am just too afraid to let someone make a little bit of sense in my life. I don't want to admit I can feel love, I just don't feel it, because I walk away anytime I'm close to fall in love. I don't want to feel that loveable feeling of stupidity, of losing my reason, of doing idiotic stuffs (I already do) because someone in special. I am trying to let myself go, but now I am wishing to let myself fall in love, there's no one wishing for that. Better for me, everyone's looking for a magical fuck. If you don't know magical fucs, it's something like: "I´m a magician, I give a fuck and I disappear". AHAH! Yeah, maybe that's the best, so I don't go further in me and discover that in the bottom of my heart there's mud, for so long time with no use. Keep me tracking for someone in special and always feeling disapointed, for a little detail no one even notices, but I see it and that ack of "perfection", makes me feel uninterested for that person. That makes my heart turn stone to that kinda love! And now... Now I am letting myself go! Go with the wind, to the arms (or to the lap?) of that special person, floating without destiny.

Today I wanna say I love to listen Ana Moura in my blog. Amália Rodrigues always the best for me.. I heard to Amáia since I am a little child and now, ten years after her death,I still listen to her song, like someone listen to church's musics! She's like my religion, my goddess in many things. But I am listening to Ana Moura, a young fadista (fado singer) who has a strong emotional voice. And the Fado lyrics, Love, Sadness, Melancholy, Joy too... Fado is the perfect sound track for my life, accompanied by some metal songs and ballads. And Amália is the Fadista I on the soundtrack on the movie about my life. When I die, after being a big famous star haha, I will have a biographic movie and she will be the main singer on the musics! =)

I arrived about one hour ago home. I went with my beloved friend Sofia and her friends home, I went to Manuela's house,I smoked my weed and came home. I've been checking hi5, myspace and now blogger, I will read E.'s blog and comment, possibly, and then I'll sleep 4 hours, before going to work. I am living a bohemian life, I am never home, just to eat and seep, I am working or being lazy, doing nothing, walking around, smoking some weed or boozing, sat in the caffé with friends or something. I need to write some letters down, I need to try again on painting and on writing my fictions and being a famous metal star. Maybe the "Manson's kid", as I have the right psycho profile for that. But not tonight. Tonight I am focuused on being sat in the couch, in front of the laptop, doing my stuffs. I know time passes by, I know wasted time never comes back, vbut tonight I don't want to worry about that. Tonight, I just wanna finnish my stuffs, going to sleep and maybe being able to rest, if my brain and my artist's soul, always sadened, always concerned about something, let me to. I can seep for hours and wak up like if someone were hitting all night long. Let's see tonight...

I'm feeling OK. Not suicidal, neither too happy... Just in the middle... And I am feeling great! Suicidal, I am suicidal. It's too logic. But when I am too happy, I smoke lots of weed, because I've forgoten how to deal with happy thoughts, and as a consequence, I turn suicidal. So now, so tonight is a great night! A cool relaxing night and I will enjoy it! I will!!!!!

Ave Maria

2009-05-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

It was my day off from job today! I woke up soon, cause I had some stuffs to do and I took my mp3 when I went out, like I always do. All Iheard the whole day was "Ave Maria", performed by the grand Tarja Turunen. The whole day I've been listening to this song. I begun the day with some heavy stuffs on Metal, but when I turned Tarja's folder on, I never left this song gone by. The whole morning, the whole day, till the battery of my mp3 turn off. Now, I am at home, having a wonderful time, all alone, me and Tarja, singing in the laptop.

A few minutes ago, I was in the caffé with my aunt and I came out there to smoke. It was raining softly and the cars was passing in the road. I missed the times I was in the car and i was raining out there. I saw a couple inside one car and I imagined myself in side one car with a HOT guy next to me driving me through a highway in high-speed and Tarja singing this song. I couldnt hear anything out there, only her voice. Suddendly, that car crashed and an accident happened. I was stucked inside the car, with n salvtion and while my lungs started stop breathing, her voice was there... Slowly I as dying and I was listening to her voice, calling me from the beyond. The car was smashed in the road. The guy would be OK, only a few scratches... Firemen and policemen was trying to save me, but I couldn't listen to them... Only Tarja's voice...

A long high way... A car running in high-speed with two guys inside... Tarja's voice, singing "Ave Maria"... The car crash... And in the end, the voice and this song...

I've been in Lisbon, going for walks, and in the main avenues, in the squares, it seemed I was in the middle of a movie. This song made feel very well along the day. While I was passing in the squares, pigeons started to fly, like we see in those movies which seems to be passed in Italy. I almost can't describe it... I am going to dinner to my aunt's place, once again, and I'll be listening to this song all along the way walking. and it'll surely feel good!

Leave me enjoy the rain, leave me enjoy the walk, leave me enjoy the song and the wonderful voice singing it! Just leave alone for a while, please! *Sweetened voice, holding a black rose in my hands* :)

Suddendly...

2009-05-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

A light can shine above our heads!! It's like if we're having an epiphany... We discover the secrets of the world. The secrets of our origin. The secrets of people's behaviour. The secret of madness inside certain souls.
I realised that part of my madness is due to those I have lost in my life. Irealised that I have not a base of sanity, so I do behave in certain degrees ofmadness that "normal people" can't reach. The so called normal people have problems to the behaviour of some people like me. If I wear black, I have had a lost, I am satanic and a HUGE list of things that just can't be listed here, or I would spend all night long in front of the laptop. Perhaps I would lose the birthday of my friend.
I just think that part of what I am is due to the things which happened in mylife. We're the result of what we'e lived. That's not all. Part of us is he result of what life did of us. Part of us exists thanks to the lfe experiences we've earnt, but there are some things which was born with us. Our being, in it's whole, is the result of our life's experiences plus what was born with us. Some of us were born to be artists, others engineers, others Judges or lawyers, etc., etc.. That's it!
But why does this answer doesn't satisfy me? Why am I still longing for something? Anyone can explain me? Or is it just a mistery, that we live to demand for it??
Maybe answers come soon... Or maybe they never come... That's all!!

Wordless... Really Am!!

2009-05-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

There's a song I didn't heard for years... Sometimes I went to youtube to search for it. Not exactly my kinda music, but a good song, for good times. I still remeber when I heard this song for the very first time. I remember when Fugees came out with this girl, singing this song! I still remeber when I was younger, living near a place called Famões with my aunt only. Those wre the best times of my entire life.

Tonight I came to dinner to my aunt's place and it was like if I have found a memories box and like if I was on my knees, touching the old things which were important for me. She no longer lives in he same place, but I am at her place, me and her, dinning, talking, with no fights, with no screams... Things seems to have gone back to the past, when it was only me and her nd it's a good feeling! A really good feeling! Sorry to those who can be shocked by my music choice for tonight, but I felt a nostalgia, a melancholia calling for me by far, but it hasn't sadened me, so I decided to share it with all those who still read my lines...

I was wanting to write lots of things... i was wanting to describe the way I was feeling quite fine today, the happiness I woke up with no reason why,the way I felt so good all day long, but this great time a my aunt's place gave me a strenght to write a better thing, to describe a better feeling, to go further in my "memories box" and see if I found agood reason for happiness.

Hope things go this way in the following times... Just not listening to fugees! *evil cackle*

From times to times

2009-05-04T17:48:00.001-07:00

Things change. People change. The voices in the other side of the phone change. The steps on the floor change. The rythm of our lives change. But I don't feel this defeat feeling changing. I was hoping that things would change. Well, a smile comes down on my face, but things haven't changed that much. Boss still doesn't pays, I am still alone (no, I don't forget about friends, but it's not the kinda thing I mean), I am still a sadistic guy, I am still needing, I am stil longign for something bigger, for something greater, that I just can't understand. I still walk the streets with my mp3 screaming out loud in my ears forsaking the world all around me.
I feel like if I was having a fatal time; I mean fatal, just because I smoking about 40 cigarettes a day, I don't drink alcohol very often, but when I do I drink just too much, or I do like in the other night, I drank a lot and I smoke weed, so I felt bad. I am going a little bit suicidal, like my friend/costumer in the caffé said. It's sad! It's really sad!! I wanna change, but there's no way to. I wanna feel alive,but I am just too frozen inside. I wanna feel happy witgh the idea of viiting a disco or a bar, but I just feel bored there. People are boring and scaring me away, once again. What to do? What...?

Mad, Mad, Mad!

2009-04-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

Music: Vaters Minimix, Rammstein

Maybe that's the right word to be written down: MAD! I am writing here like a mad, the second post of the day, I wrote in my diary. I have writen an idea down in my mobile to a story, that I won't use, probably. I wrote something somewhere else, I can't remember now. I wrote, I started drawing andcolouring soething, like I haven't done for years. It's like a madness strike was pulling me down onto my art again. The fact of being walking slowly to my creations is awesome, but this emptiness feeling is smply awful. It's like if I was missng something along the way. It's like if I was needing a voice in my ear, whispering to me to help me to stay awake. It's like if I was being dragged onto Life and Death epic battles in my inner Kingdom once again. I feel about like cutting myself again. I haven't done it... YET! It must sound quite ridiculous that me, at 21, is turning back onto my teen times idiot acts, but that's reality!

A guy I chat with and who I like to, read my blog and told me I've been caught by love. I asked him "how's that possible if I am not loving anyone, if I am not dating anyone?!"

He answered: "You don't need to! It' quite simple, love is one of the most feared feelings of all, but the one nobody, I mean NOBODY, can resist. Gods, Angels and even Demons are tempted for it, they try to fight it and they're caught. That's so powerful, nobody can run away"

My friend K said he might be right and ow I have to deal with her calling me of pseudo-lover! I mean, jnot a bad thing, a little joke between friends, but it's dumb theidea I am perishing to love's hands. I don't feel like a loveable thing!

Too many times in the streets, in caffés, or anywhere else, I see some boys I feel into to, but they're always with girls, or they're always straight. I do feel like being unable to love anyone, I do feel like being empty forever and there's no healing hand for it. There's no remedy for my aches! I'll be hurting myself forever. I'll be illuding myself forever! I do wish, sometimes, a boy to take me away from here. I do feel like living a stupid movie. I said it befre and I am repeating myself constantly, in this matter of stuffs, it's like a biographic movie, where we see artists with tormented souls, living tormented lifes, living lifes which are not what they dreamnt or have choosen and finally, when the movie is almost ending, they die, with the perfect lover next to them. They're shot, they die with any disease, they kill themselves, or anything!

"Fly, little angel, fly high like the moon, spread your wings and fly, reach the sky, turn dust and die!"

I do need something! Maybe a big dose of morphine!!

In the picture, I am smiling to my friend Pedro, the one who took this picture! It's like a big changing was coming, but things remains the same. My life is work, work and work! Nothing more but work! And when I am not working, I am out there, in the street, hanging with friends, or in the caffé chatting and drinking my coke, or my coffee! I need something more! I need more, much more! I need so much more than being in the caffé working or with with friends, I need so much more than being closed inside the damned caffé all day long. My boss is not paying me, he's not into giving me any money, I am like working for free. He owes me about 2 1/2 months of work. He doesn't pay me that long!

I need to be like in the picture, smiling, happy or joyful! I will admit it, I think I do need a guy, guy to hold me in his arms, to tell me everything will be ok, I need someone to kiss me, I need someone to go to the beach at night and watch the sea - my brother, the sea - I need someone to hold the relationship, when it's in great tension. I need to stop being the strong one, I need to stop being the relationship holder. I need to stop holding other's bursting, I need to stop holding the other's drunknesses. When I smoke weed, when I get drunk (too rarely), they feel bored to have to hold me; so why do I have to hold them everytime!? Because I am a fool and I insist on coming out hurted by the other's, in my relationship with them! I don't care about my scars and my losses, because I always trust and believe in people.

I like that picture, don't know why! It's sweet, or something like that! Goddammit, why m I so alone, then? *hitting with the head in the walls, trying to get rid of these ideas*

Probably, it's the lack of sleep! Sleeping for an hour... I have time to sleep more when I'm dead!

X-TREME!!

2009-04-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

They say I am crazy! They say I am given to extremes! I can I not be crazy? I can I not begiven to extremes, if I am forced to? How can I not feel angry sometimes, if they make me feel that way? How can I no do anything if I am forced to take an attitued and go to destroy them? I didn't wished that, I swear I didn't, but I won't be sorry. I won't feel regrets. I won't be walking away, just like that. I will walk away, but I'll be taking the prize for my kingdom... The scars as the evidences of this fight!

Do not fear, I won't hurt... much! I just a little taste of your blood. A little taste of your fear. A little taste of your regrets! Really. Not that much!

What To Do...?

2009-04-23T18:31:00.001-07:00

Still longing on so many things. Still longing in long nights of insomnia. Still longing in a fantasy world. Still longing on something more. Still longing in a distant world of fairtale,where me,the hidden prince in a tower, will be saved by another prince, arriving in his dark horse, in a Middle Aged land, with knights, with tents around, with medieval fairs, with lots of forests, with dragons, with princesses and donzels. Still longing with the futuristic world, with an overpopulated metropolis, with flying cars and spaceships. Still trying to keep, at the same time, my head in the Earth. Still...
Right now, was trying to modify my blog. I was working hard to find the right image to fill in the blog's title, but it's so hard to chose. I would like to be like those people who look at some thing and just think: "This would fit perfectly here or there". But I am not. I can not take a decision, before I think very much about that, without longing for hours, for days or weeks, tll I ind the right thing to place in the right space. It's just too anoying. I wanna change. I know things need to be changed, in my blog, in my life... Decisions are needed to be taken, actions are needed to be made, but I am actionless. I am behavinglike a stupid kd, like a stupid teenagers, with his hormones all floppy, jumping around, trying to stick his dick in every hole which seems available to.
I'm needing to sleep. Maybe that's the wrong thing, the fact that of leaving everything to the end, but I just can't behave in a different way. I am just me, myself and I!

Right now, I listen to Epica, with Simone Simmons singing to "Falsches Spiel". I have the English version of this song "Running For A Fall", but this soft version of this music is just amazing. I need to thank to Ludi for having it in her profile. :) It's relaxing me! And I must confess, I can sing a little bit like Simone, I can make some stuffs with my voice like that, though I am a guy. And I was wanting to get a band, to work in different styles of music, Metal is the main one, and it would sound well to me to be able t use this "side" of my voice. I need to find the people, but they're not appearing. Maybe I am looking for in the wrong places.
I wanna find the right path. I wanna keep following the right trail, but it's being hard... Really hard! I hang around with people, some of them are not the right people, but I do trust a lot in people. Maybe a little bit too much. What to do? Things, sometimes, seems to be changing, but they always go back to the beggining. And it's not sounding good. Not at all!

Out...

2009-04-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

And one more night, lonely in my bd, after posting this. Not that I am needing anyone to warm me up, but the fact that till about one hour ago I was with many people at my friends Manuela' house... Some of them was taking all the kind of drugs, but I am clean. I was wishing to smoke my soft weed, but fortunately, no one had it!

A guy taking his drug... A new girl in the circle... The hot ukranian boy... Me with Manuela's fakes hair, for fun... The Ukranian guy said I would cheat him, if he found me in the streets. Too many things...

I am writing daily in this blog, as it's the only way I have to creat something, now. Through my posts, I eel I am creating something, though a memories book, to be printed in a near or far future. Something to remember later. Something to follow me up in the coffin, when I die. I've been thinking about being cremated... But then again, my fear that my body urvves to times and people can see me in 300 years... Only madness... Only emptiness, after a wonderful night... I need the guy who's the brakes for my madness...

I only can think on the music I posted... And this is what I feel... Stoned... Needing a long way from home... High-speed... My guy driving away from here... Feeling alie, for the very first time... Feeling like the first day of my life...

All hail you, who reads this blog and who listens to the song chosen by me... Thank you, my beloveds!

Defeat feeling...

2009-04-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

Isn't any time in your life you felt like defeat, without entering in any single battle? Isn't there a single minute, the more happy you can be, the more confident you are, you sat alone in a chair, in your toilet, anywhere, but that you sat in silence and your brains started screaming out loud "I am defeated"? This is the feeling I got by now!

Today, I went out as every night, and I met with my friend M. in the caffé. She was with a guy appearing to be 20 years, at least, yunger than her (she's 53) and the guy was little bit drunk. He was a blue eyed ukranian guy, handsome one, and he was there, with her, talking, being a nice boy, talking to herand not showng any kind of emotion by her, but she was grabbing the guy, kissing him... Later, we went at her place and he went onto the bathroom and she entered to put soethiung back to his place and took some time inside that bathroom. After that, S. came home, we chatted for a while and she went to the room. Me, M. and he boy stayed in the room, seing her photo albums, watching her glory times of youth and as a grown woman. She kept on "fighting" the boy's distance.

In. came home too. She stayed for a while and when I. left, that blue eyed guy showed he was feeling horny about I.. He talked, bitted his lips and said some things. I could feel his heat inside.

It can seems like a stupid thing, but this kinda things, sometimes, drives me crazy, drives me onto an emptiness state. I feel defeat, cause I have no one feelin like that for me. The more happy I feel alone, there are a few moments I feel the need to have someone feeling something for me. And when I write about someoe feeling something for me, I mean more than sexual desire. It would be good to have someone cuddling me at night, someone hugging me near to a fire place, while both of us were taking a few alcohol or smokng weed, or simply having a warm tea, with the wood burning and the rain falling out there, with a soft song, or an extreme metal one. Just me, the guy, the fire place and the moment.

Didn't you ever felt like this? What's missing me? What's missing here? What am I doing wrong?

I feel like I am wasting all my youth and all my time. I stopped painting, I stopped writing, I don't sing for publi and don't find musicians for my music project. I do feel like I was living one of those amreican movies, about people becoming famous, like "8 mile" about Eminem, or like a "CoyoteBar"... Unfortunatelly, my way doesn't includes a bar and a hot guy helping me cruising the path. I hate bars and discos, parties I stay away from them. I mean, I am nothing but a stupid guy. I'll probably be invited to a party of a friend of mine in a Disco, in July, but I am not much confidant about that.

I wanna walk the streets and have the joy feeling again. I wanna walk the streets and smile again. I wanna so many things... But I am getting nothing.

This year, strangely, I am wishing to go the beach. Don't know if I'll go, but if Ido, so what? Yeah, so what? I'll be follwing my heart!

I've been chatting Nathaniel, from New York, a guy I loved to meet, though only virtually. We've chatted a few times. He's someone who could be the reason for me to calm down. Maybe I go to live in USA as I wish, and we meet each other and I fall in love and I live happily for ever! AH! If it was that easy, it also would be bored!

All I would like was that this defeating feeling was over. I would be happy enough... Maybe things changes soon!

Rainy Night

2009-04-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

It's raining strongly out there I was at a friend's house and I have had to leave and come home. I was with my mp3 turned on and suddendly, it started palying Elend and their song "Opis Puthôn" and it was the perfect melody for a rain walking! OH, it cleant my soul... I always love rain walkings,listening to wonderful songs. It's a soul healer for me!

I love walk in the rain and if it's in my choice, I go out with no umbrella, to feel the rain in my hair, in my face in my clothes, reaching the skin... t could begreat if it used to touch my flesh, but I have no cuts in my body to do so. I do love it.

I am feeling awesome, despite all this despair and confusion in my mind! I really am... Better, only if I was in a car,being driven to far from here, to have fun i any wrong way.

Now, I am listening to Mariza. I imagine myself near a huge window, in a huge chair, looking out there while I smoke a cigarette and the rain is hitting the window. It would be so perfect!

They said, they asked

2009-04-17T12:40:00.001-07:00

"There's no fucking reason for your life", he said. "For what you write, it seems like you are doing nothing in thsi world".

I just kept silence, while he typed it on MSN. I read today, cause my MSN has shut down, as I've gone to sleep. Is it true? May it be true?

There's not a fucking reason for me to stay alive? There's no sense in my life, for what I write? I feel like ging down. Lately I am saying it a lot, I am like falling on a never ending spiral of depression, hate, fear and so many of those feelings. It's like I was missing something which will never come back. It's like if I am missing something I have never seen, something I can't even imagine how does it looks like, how does it behaves.

"You're such a sad person, aren't you?", a girl once asked me. Well, honey, you dealt with me, eventhough in letters and that's your point of view. So I supose you got your answer by your own.

Lately, in the last two or three days, I have been unable to smile in a real way! I feel like there's the huge hole inside my chest I mention so many times, but thi time, it's a cold dark hole. I feel the wind inside my chest, like if a bazooka has hitted my chest with a shot.

I haven't listened to much Metal, lately. More on a dark ambient wave, some industrial, with those electronic sounds. Lots of Fado, lots of my beloved Amália Rodrigues and lots o that one who they call Fado singer, as well, Mariza. Lots of sadened and meancholic songs. Lots of feelings involved and none of them can be named. I don't know what to feel.

"You're a person who lives in extremes", my sis told me once, like if it was a secret.

Hun, you deal with me for ten years now and you know what I am made of. That's so simple...

I feel empty... I feel nothingness... I feel like if I was stoping, after a long car trip, on high speed... It's like the feeling of highness going away, after a few hours laughing and feeling OK! I don't use drugs for a few days, by the way!

I drunk a double Martini Tuesday night, but gone to sleep right after. So that's OK!

I am feeling bothered... I really need to go... I really need to stop by now...

Home Alone (NOT the movie)

2009-04-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

Probably, this is the very first time I am sad with a reason to be... Maybe this is the very first time, in many years, I am quietly sit in the chair, just listening to mp3 and thinking about stuffs. Maybe this is what I was needing for a long time: being alone!

But being alone is not that pleasant as I always felt, since we have the person we wish far from us. I am not talking about a guy laid naked in my bed, smiling satisfied afte he us my butt for his own pleasure. I am not talking about a boyfriend delightening in pleasure with kisses. I am talking about my mother. Though we fight each other 99,9% of the week, I miss her and ths is the first night she's spending out, at her boss' house, while he's away with his wife and left his kids behind. It's a weird feeling... This lonely night is just being great, but I feel emptier, sad, needing company... Somehow, the happily-and-proudly-alone-beast needs company!

It's a cold night out there and right in front of me, there's an open window. I feel the breeze crossing my body, my skin and flesh and reaching the bones. Right next to me, lay an ashtray with ashes from my cigarettes. I'm lightening a new cigarette and pulling the smoke to my lungs. I suppose I'll drink one of the two mini martini's bottles I have hidden in my bedroom, to make it more perfect...

For thevery first time, there's silence in the house. For the very first time, there's dark in here, while TV is playing muted, just to have a little bit o movement in this room. I need something to take me out of this state of comma. It's an awful feeling; anyhow I can feel!!

I am deadly confused... I am going to sleep for a few hours... Just finishing my cigarette and I'll be sleeping!

Matter of What..?

2009-04-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

Thee 's something weird going on... I could say it's something weird going on with me, but it wasn't jus with me. The world... The world has something weird around...

People says it's a matter of time for me to change, for me to see the world in a different view. Some of the so called gothic people crticized me for listenig to Evanescence, when I used to say I was a gothic. But people does not understand that Evanescence came to help me to rise from the ashes. Perhaps,I had commited suicide a long tyime, if Evanescence hasn't poped out to the world. It's like if they have had entered in my mind and in so many things, has the same view of things and of the world than me. World, people, life...

About one hour and a shower ago, I was in the street I live in for 14 years by now, riding the swing they installed here, when they made the works in the city, change it into a tottlly new place, listening to"Everybody's Fool" in a piano intrumental, by Eclipse.This song earnt a whole new meaning for me sinceI downloaded this album. It felt like I was that little scared teenager again, feeling like a tiny shadow between the crowd... The street was empty it was ony me, the spring trees and"Everybody's Fool".

I do feel like addicted in that song. Th more I liten to it the more I inject it onto my organism, the more addicted I get. I need songs like this one, like Evanescence's ones, to help me to feel I am not alone.

Sometimes, I am surrunded by people, but I always feel alone. It's like no one could understand me andlike the moe friends I have, the more lonely I am, becaus the more friends I get, the more different they're from me. The more some people say they understand how do I feel, he less I do believe it... It's hard for me to explain...

I need to go... I nee to sleep... Maybe sleeping will heal!

Good night!

Out of Mind...

2009-04-09T17:12:00.000-07:00

I am nuts about so many things... I am still nuts about something... But I don't have strenght enough to label them down... I am highed and not even that state of mind and body makes me feel strong enouh to "talk" about problems... Or those problems, at least. Not the stuffs I am nuts about.

Maybe the fact of have been attacked by a drunk guy, wishing to go for a fight with a tiny skeleton like me, about 10 minutes ago is soething interesting enough to keepyou entertaiened for a long night. *devilish giggle with little horns borning*

But when I am drunk or higed, if I go for writing, I am able to put my feelings out, better than when I am sobber...

It has like a feeling of emptiness, of sadness, something that will take me out of my mind... I do need to be strong. I feel like if I am in the middle of a spiral, falling and falling, turning and turning... It never stops, but now the winds blowing my face, the inspiration hitting the walls of my skulls are flowing again, but I am just too affraid and too lazy to pick up the pen and the pencil and write or draw, though I am not talented enough...

Maybe a night of sleep will heal my mind!

Dancing Today

2009-04-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

There's a strange feeling I'm having today. It's playing E Nomine on my laptop and I do feel a hug wish to get up and dance. I would, if I wasn't too tired to!

I wish I could be in that image, in the dancer place. I could be dressed like that maked up like that, in a place and with men like that aroun, that I would dance! I feel I would dance!

And my good friend Ludi said I am using my brains too much... Am I?? Why?? :P

Wishing to destroy something beauty...

2009-04-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

That's what I do wish. I have had a wonderful day till that damned woman who works with me now (and she's mother of one of my friend) hae decied to get conflict with me for something way stupid. My damned work mate decided to "join the party" and I just wanted to pick the larg knife I use to cut cakes to cut them and pull their entrails out and spread all around the caffé.

OK, Bruno, you need to relax!

I need to burn them down!

And I found my mate is bisexual like me (I am more gay, though) and he's giving some tips out that he wshes somethingform me, but e's just a stupid kid. OK, OK, he's 21 and I am about turning 22, but he behaves like a damned kid. And he haves some kind of hability to upset me seriously, just by being quiet in a corner. He makes feel angry, sometimes, just to look at him!

I wanna so many things. I am falling apart something. I am needing something I cannot bear: company! A boyfriend! Something like that, but I also wanna be alone. I don't need them for anything, why do I wish such a shitty stuff?

I need to fix my head in the place. I need to go to my grand dad's and have a relaxing season in country side. I need... I do really need...

I need to break something beauty. Like one of the characters from "Fight Club", whose name I can't recall and wish actor's name I can't remeber, as well, which punched such a hot young blond boy till he's face is all broken and bloody and all he said, when guys stopped him was "I just wanted to destroy something beauty". That's all I need!!

Losing The Line Of Thought... And a Guitar!!

2009-03-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

One more night out, knowing it'll be another day of work tomorrow, though I don' care about my rest. I don't care... I really don't!

One more night spent in the caffé, drinking, talkng, laughing, smoking, being what people call of bohemian... Being whatever it can be, but dong something to remind myself I am alive! I was happily happy *devilish giggle*. I went to a caffé I do love with a friend of mine and there were one of the guys of the caffé playing guitar and singing, with live music. It was splendid. I once wrote an entry on ths blog, while I was at their computer and I sddendly saw their guitar lid net to me.

People singing... Laughing... Drinking... Having fun... And I, suddendly, falling apart in a depressive state of soul... Amália sings in one of her musics "La Fiesta sono é commenciata I é já finita" (The party just begun and it's already over) and it fits me well. That's why I avoid parties, nights at discos or bars or anything like that. I do feel bored, in despair, sad... I miss the time I was able to be happy, I miss the time when despair was not a constant thing. I miss the time I wasn't in constant changing. I miss... I miss... I miss... Why do I miss so much? What do I miss so much? What am I longing for? What? Why? When? Despair, despair, despair... Changing... Lack of anything...

Is this the shitty poet or fadista's soul everyone's talks about? Well, then I wanna cut it out and let all this blood flows and feel nothing anymore... I wanna be away from here... I wanna leave... I wanna leave and never come back!

So, it's the time to go back on Turtles and on Paulinho's caffé and let Turtles pick the guitar, to play and sing. Man, pick up the guitar and play for my delight!

The Voice...

2009-03-28T18:35:00.000-07:00

Here's Amália Rodrigues. She's my diva. The one I love, the one Imourn for when I wake up. I am listening to her songs, one of them called "Sombra" (Shadow). It's aout one decadent and dependent love. About when a woman gets addicted in one man, about the dawn as a healer for her wounds. Like if the moon was the antidote, made in one orane juie with moon powder.

Amália take me into another dimensions, her voice goes too deep in my soul. I adore her. I am too highed to say anything without feeling ridiculous and patetic, but it's something I say, sobber or highed: AMÁLIA FOREVER!

By The Way

2009-03-28T13:47:00.001-07:00

It's a weird thing I always choose female images, when it's about anything. Well, it wouldn't be that weird if I wasn't a gay guy!

By the way, I've been in such a depressive state of mind or of soul or of spirit, as you prefer to make the interpretation. It's almost like if I wasn't allowed to feel happy, satisfied, with a bigger hunger for life. I should be able to go out at night and feel good at a disco or a bar, be able to laugh quite easily, but Ihate the simple idea of enterng a bar or a disco, go to the dancefloor, mix with the "normal" human being, feeling my body being touched from all over, feeling those house style, trance or hatever it takes at he disco musics sounding out loud, making my brain jumping, like a little bit of salt in the fire.

I do feel like a mad thing. I do feel like a crazy, like an eccentic stuff, unable to be happy. There's something which happens, when women are kidnapped by the bad guys, when they are rich and fall in love with the law transgressor, it's associated to something like the bored emperetress. That's a bit like I feel, a bore emperetress, with no way to feel good or satisfied.

When I do let myself falling into a normal state of those who need to feel loved, when I do look at couples and feel sad because I am alone, I imagine two girls of pop music, some of the few pop stuff I still listen, t.A.T.u.. I recall to my memory the song "Not Gonna Get Us", where they're running away from something in a stolen truck. I magine how it would be great to have a guy with car, running with me away from here, with no Destiny, with no place to stop. Just going, being driven through roads. Going away, with someone who loved me. Butthere's no dreams or fantasies taking me out of serious!HA!

I feel I am returning to my art. My art is my lungs, my fortress, my secret place. I do used to paint, but 5 years ago, I've been diagnosed with a depression and since I took anti-depressive medicines, I quit painting, writing, etc. I am now tring to fight this place in-between nowhere inside of me and trying to unleash my creativity. I might not be talented, but I have love and passion for what I do and that's something which many of those talented people lacks of: passion!

And for passion, I am trying to get another band, since my band with my fiends broke up, two years ago. But when I was trying to be a Nightwish like band, as I can sing some things like Tara used to do, we had nothing to do, since they tried to change my style. I am not looking for a band of Metal, or no only Metal. I wanna be able to do something more creative, trying many different soundscapes, but with Metal as a basis. Naming some bands or singers as influence, Nightwish (Tarja's Era), Draconian (my beloved ones), Otep, MM, Elend and a few more. Some of my other influences of bands, are some of my myspace friends, with bands or artist's profile. I just need to work it out, I need to find the musicians, Ineed to keep on the track for them, but they're not coming up, they're not appearing...! Though I keep on fighting, I feel weaker each passing day.. I won't be giving up that easy, but it's hard to deal with, the failure, the frustration...

Goddammit! I need more... So much more!!

DOES VAMPIRES EXISTS?

2009-03-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

Though this is an image from "Jack The Ripper", it serves me quite well.

I do ask if vampires exists, because I do wake up every morning feeling tired, my body hurting, like if I had been walking all night long. Sometimes, when I do not smoke weed at night, I do feel like my head was foggy, like I could barely see a few meters in front of me. It's like if I get hipnotised every night and go for walks in the city, like if something was calling me to the wild evrynight and it was sucking all my energy out. I do need answers. I do need rest. I do need PEACE!

That's all I need to get.

Instability

2009-03-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

I'm floating... I feel like a ballon that a child left to fly and with no destiny, but the infinity. The blue or the darkened sky. A tree.

There's something within me, burning me out,making me falling, like a collapsing building. I feel like nothing could stop me. At the same time, I feel like I was needing lots of alcohol and weed to be able to stand eveything...

It seems like everything was going to explode, like if I was going to blow up, to fly and then crash down... There's no right mood to be described right here and right now... There's no feelings... There's no joy... There's no sadness... There's no anger... Just a huge hole inside my chest!

I need to walk... I need to feel the streets... The wind in my face... My mp3 playing out loud in my ears... The cars in the road... Passing people... The night... The moon shining far in the sky, lightining the darkest streets... I just need to walk, to listen to my songs and forget about the world, about the dangers out there...

Elizabeth V.

2009-03-14T19:08:00.001-07:00

There's a girl who surprises me more and more... Her name is Elizabeth, she's a Greek girl, but she's my goddess. Despite I am gay, she's the one I'd fall in love with, if I could or if I had a chance. She's a girl I adore, the kinda friend I'd love to be able to hold for a lifetime. The kinda person that the more I know her, the more she surprises me. There's a lot of things about her I just love. There's many others that I will earn to hate.. But what can make me feel a little hate for her? I can not imagine anything for now...

I read her first post on blogspot.com and reading the most recent ones, it's way too different from the person I know. Too "young", too fresh, still able to feel comfortable about the simple idea of human touch and warmt. She evolved with passing years. She turnt into a more secure woman. She's one of the most perfect beings I know. And she... She is just Elizabeth!

http://indigojester.blogspot.com If you feel curious about her!

Between Fear And Despair

2009-03-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

I am going crazy... Every single day that passes by, I believe more and more in that... I am more and more unstable. I smile as quick as I weep and yell. I walk as fast as I run. I scream as fast as I whisper.

I mean, it's being a little bit chaotic... Fear... Despair... Sadness... Happiness... Joy... Too many things and one single brain... Going under? I don't think so! Maybe rising from my ashes, to fall again, and then again, to rise up... Over and over till my dying day. Till my departure day! And it's what makes of me what I am! :)

Despair...

2009-03-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

It's the time I start to listen to a song and suddendly I feel affraid of something. I can't explain what's scaring me away, till I feel chills on my bones. The Gazette are playing "People Error" on youtube and I do listen to this song over and over again causing me such chills and making me doing a trip to the inner of my soul. I feel I could go to the window, spread my wings and fly.

Out there, the night is calling for me. The rain is falling strongly, but it's like a thousnad of fairies are caling for me. My dragon awaits. The moon wants to shine, but the clouds are covering her way. The city is like a maze, for me. It's like there's something awaiting for me. My lover? My killer? My guardians? My demons? Who knows?

Suddendly, it won some kind of a crazy meaning inside of me... The chills goes on... The night doesn't stops... In two hours, I'll get up to go to work... But I am a bit scared of closing my eyes and going to sleep...

Time to leave... To shut my eyes... The leave my body rest for a while... To leave my breathe goes down... I am going to smoke a cigarette in the window, watching the night passing by ad then, sleep for half an hour...

Goodnight!

Old Times... And Rage Against All The Odds

2009-03-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

It's the time to call the old times. It's the time I cry hard and feel nothing inside. Like an hollow tree, I feel empty inside, feelingless. Thetre's nothing to grab now. Things changed, places changed, even people changed. People themselves, people around me, people to deal with. I changed. It's sad, because I look back and there are they: happy, with no concernings, with no worries. I look in front and I see nothing. Blank, Black White, nothing... emptiness. That's all the left me.

I fear I have lost them forever. I fear they have me forever. I fear I have lost my path and now it's too late to go back and fight.

Thinsgs are really diferent. People, me, the world. Things changed.

I have writen in my portuguese blog (http://angelalucardpt.blogspot.com/) today, one entry, now I am writing here, as a mad. Because people who we deal with, in real life, in internet, through mobile calls or text messages, they have an influence in how we feel. And sometimes, they are part of or present ut they came from a long gone past and we're the few remaining ones. And it0's unavoidable to remind and recall past. And me and L., we're doing this: Recaling past, recalling old feelins and sensations. And though there'slots of sadness involved in past desapearing, all this sdness is good. We're stronger, we can fight and go back on fights of everything which was real important for us: for me, my art! For her, our friendship and her oyfriend! for me: our friendship and my imagination. For her: me, her and others.

All is good, when we have the right people next to us!

GOING A LITTLE BIT ELECTRO

2009-02-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

That's the way things are going lately. More than metal, my basis, but that I have so much to know about yet, I have heard more dark wave and dark electro, like Blutengel or E Nomine, and I have filled my mp3 with many of their stuffs I own on my laptop. I have heard so few Fado and so few Metal, that I have found myself strange. I have heard a few of chill out or new age songs, especially when I am ina Zen state, highed, has you wish. I have felt lately like a friend of mine said: "A mixture of hippie with goth". What means that I am a gothic hippie... O maybea hippie goth! Funny!

My use of myspace has let me meet many amateurs bands, of metal, Hardcore, Grindcore, Industrial and such. Many good bands, ome of them with long curriculas, but that the lack of support makes them anonimous to most of the audience.

I have been fine... Calm, more soft in many things... I have smiled a lot, lately! But I stillcannot avoid the feeling of defeat in the end of one more day!It's hard, at night... But I always find a solution... and like the shadow I am, I wlk the streets at night, foccused on my way and on the tuns playing out loud onto my ears and that's only me and my imagination working to the world!

What's wrong?

2009-02-23T12:30:00.000-08:00

There's something going wrong in the last two days. I've been feeling so well, that it's almost like I could never be sad, or like if I've never been sad before. I am so nice, that I am even afraid of what may come next.

Anyway, in the last few days, I've been so well, that the sun shines like it have never shun for me in the last few years. Today, in the train on way home, after work, I was listening to a song of Mariza, called "Morada Aberta". It was nice to see the view out of the window, the sun in the horizon. It was really nice! I loved this feeling, in the last few days!! And I will make it last as much as I can!

Anyway, I am still anxious about my loneliness. Sometimes, it's like it was a sure for me, something I am sure I wish for my life, but in the other hand, I still have my lonely hours, when I do wish someone to calm me down, to make me feel comfortable, someone to make me smile...

I still have humour oscilations as well, I feel sad, happy, angry or anything like this in a matter of seconds... I am still tragic, dramatic, sad, melancholic. I am all this by nature, but I am smiling more often, more honestly... Most of time away, far away, in distant lands inside my own soul, looking for something I don't even know what it is - happiness?

Oh well, there's any kind of madness in me, in my behaviour, and that makes me lost. Lost... A lost thing in happy "things", in happy behaviours for the time being!

There's A Voice...

2009-02-13T14:16:00.000-08:00

Who makes me drea since I am a little child. A voice who shows so much of my soul sice I am a little child.

I do listen to this woman since I am a small kid, I am almost turning 22 and I still love to listen to her. She still chills my bones out in long nights of loneliness. She stills reminds me of my Death's desire. She makes me wish to honour her name wherever I do go. I show her voice to anyone who tell me he/she doesn't knows her.

And Since we al need smile, I have chosen one picture of her with a sweet smile. She deserves it. She deserves that, sometimes, my blog is not for my own sadness, for my own melancholy, but for the way I miss her, as she diedalmost 10 years ago. My love, my passion, my obsession.

I still sin her songs... I still feel her voice passing my ears and going to my chest, making me trembling... I still feel her breath, when I watch videos of her live in any part of the World.

I still desire of listening her voice live...

I still expect of a new album or of new songs of her.... I still expect of a new on te TV or in the newspaper, saying she gave a new concert and gave innovation to anything...

I still drink of her sadness, of her melancholy... I drtink her poets, like the they was the last drop of water in the desert...

I still see so much of myself in her... I still...

And so few goes on...

"Enchantment"

2009-02-09T17:54:00.000-08:00

"Enchantment" by Chris Spheeris, is such a great sound to fulfill my ears... A quiet, relaxful and peaceful music. Sometimes it looks like a march. A victorious march. In other situations, it takes me to anciet times and ancient lands, of great muscular men dressed in white, playing their harps and their flues, while sheeps walk freely in the country. An ancient Greece, with white gorgeous buildings around, fountains with splendid bue, clean and brilliant water flowing free to mazing rivers. This soft song, causes in me this wonderfu feeling andmaes my maginaion flowing free around. I ask why do lie doesn't makes me feel the same stuffs, why do peopleand thesimple idea of a human touch in my back akes me feelso disgusted.

Anyway, "Enchantment" is such a wonderful word for tonight... Maybe not for tomorrow, but for tonight, it certainly is!

Thank for reading. Goodnight!

Going Back

2009-01-29T18:07:00.000-08:00

I am going back... Once again, I wake up early and go to my job. This is the night before one more day on the daily routine of my job in that caffé I work at... They're owing me more than €1000 for my work, but not even that makes me put my arms down and giving up on that. Yesterday, I worked 12h, because my work mate sent an SMS to my boss saying he wouldn't be working, because he was sick. Goddammit, I do not believe in that disease... At 6 a.m. he should be sleeping and he was sending a SMS to our boss. I bet he went to a disco or any shitty place and he didn't slept enough and he broke my plans for that day...

I am trying to open my own caffé and I should be visiting one caffé to get for me,but I was trapped there thanks to him. THANK YOU, ASSHOLE!

Anyway, this is not how I have ever imagined my life... Not working like a dog and getting no cash to pay my bills, with no free time to send my letters along... I have never imagined I would take an year to send my letters along. I still have my friend's Elizabeth letter to send, but I do not have her stamps. The little letter I sent her with them filled in, must have been lost by the post office guys... Lame and they should get fired... Burnt in a fire, after I fuck them roughly... I miss my friend's words and I will type a letter to her tomorrow as I find patience to wait for my old desktop to open up. My laptop has Word locked, so I need to go back to my old desktop. I know she doesn't like typed letters, but that's the only way I have to write her without anykind of interruption, without being with the pen in my hand and getting up to do anything else. I am getting too crazy, I can not do anything for more than 5 minutes, that I get bored... I don't even write, I don't even paint... I can't stand other people touch... It disgusts me! I can't stand the idea of having someone, a boyfriend or such, but in the other hand, I am getting afraid of being alone...

I hope Elizabeth can read this, I hope she finds a little time to read this... She and all my friends and can forgive me for everything, for all the delays, for all the lost items, for all the lost words, for all the time I took wrting them back, answring their e-mails, replying their phone calls...

Sorry, my loves! I will be back soon... I hope!

Three Golden Fishes

2009-01-24T13:47:00.000-08:00

Three golden fishes and it's like is solved. It's like it helps to cease the pain and the sadness.

All inside of me is crashing... Collapsing...

People says I need to get someone, but how will that help? How will that kill all the pain inside? How will that make me desire to be alive and have fun, how will make me feel happy? How will that make me wish to go onto a party and not wish to leave five minutes later?

I feel I am going onto a new wave of depression, but my work mate told me that when people reads my blog and when they have a real view of me, when they're daily with me, it's like being two different people and my gothic little heart feels the sme words again "it's creepy"!

Damned... Insecure!! Mad!! Sad!!

Me and me... There's only me and my own company in the room... No, wait, I cannot forget the three golden fishes!

Thanks mom, for the nice surprise! =)

Losing Mind

2009-01-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

I feel each day more attracted by young boys of 16 or 17 years old... Theylook so frwsh, with their hormones so floppy. It feels like if they had came from a poor French movie just to make me sweat and desire them all naked laid in my bed, ready to be used and abused. Do not take into a wrong way... I am not way older, I am a boy lover... I love seing them naked, kissing each oter, having sex, while I am sat on a chair, semi-naked, with a strong hard on, wishing to join them, while I do smoke a cigarette. In one of those poor French movies, it would be in a bad appearance motel, in a hidde street an I would be smoking a cigar...

Goth, so appealing... Maybe I am really entering a furious wheel of madness and those poor young boys does not feel safe with me aroud... *giggle*

The Letters I Write...

2009-01-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

Are almost everytime too late... I try to write as soon as I can, but I never write them the soon they should be written. Other times, I have a great lck of time to go to the post offices to post them to their destiny and it happens that I take almost one year to post some letters...

I would like to be able to wite or to post them sooner, but it's almost impossible for me to get time to breathe, that it's almos suffocatng when I think in the other part of my life that doesn't includes my job at the caffé. I would like to get a boyfriend. I would like to go out sometimes. I would like to have time to spend the cash in my mobile in futile and time wasting conversations with my friends. I would like to pick up a train and go wherever I wish, whenever I wish. But I don't have the time for that, or I don't have the money I need.

Anyway, some letters I have written ust disappeared like that, so I will hae to rewrite some of them, try to find the people's addresses in my plastic box, where I keep the letters and post them tomorrow, as it's my day off from job. I need to get more time and to pay more attention to my friends all over the world.

For th time being, I got my eye in a guy, but I am scared to go ahead wih something with him... It's too idiotic for me to be so insure about something like that, but I am human after all, and I have feelings...

Too bored on this senimental crappy things, so no more things will be settled down here for that!

Anyway, letters ill follow up SOON! This time, I won't miss the postman!

HIGHED

2009-01-03T17:44:00.000-08:00

Highed I am... Smoked weed with my friend Manuela and it was such a perfect night... I ended up in a bar, chatting and laughing... Ideas flowing thorugh my mind... Whole stories flying in front of my eyes... Books of tales could be written with ll this I can imagine and create in my inner world (my imagination)... And all this, highed!!

New Year's Eve: Madness!

2009-01-01T17:49:00.000-08:00

New year's eve FINALLY passed by. Christmas and New year's eve is finally gone and perhaps, my depressive state of this season is finally gone too!

Last nigh, I was supposed to go out with my friends, but I came up so tired from my job, that I laid down in my sofa and I was supposed to sleep only 10 minutes, but I slept all night long. Mobile phone vibrated a lot, but it was in a table and I don't listen or feel vibrations. Silent mobile...

I woke up this morning and I wasn't feeling anything special. I wasn't feeling anything like a new year that has came by, anything like if I had a new life, cause it's a new year... I was just sadned, cause I passed one more night at home. But I am always tired from my job.

I work a lot... Sometimes, I make my normal time able of 9 hours, another days, I go till 12+ hours and its something which don't let my body get a "sleep timetable" and I am always worred with something, in the late weeks. I feel I am getting exausted, with no point of stop, with no way to rest, unless get out! An getting out of what? Of my job? Of home? Of everything?

I am more and more tired... Sometimes, I feel I need to get an emergency exit, but I never find that way!

Here I am, alone in the night, listening to Amália Rodrigues singing one of her Fados (Amêndoa Amarga)... In the middle of the dark of this dawn, in my living/dinning room, with the TV on and muted, Amália singing in the laptop, and one cigarette burning in my lips...

Night is going by and I have only two hours to sleep... I feel like I was a ghost... No one see me, unless he/she wishes something... It doesn't matters if it's a coffee, a look, a smile, a friend, a love or a lover, a presence in the room. Everybody's looking for something and tht's the reason everyone's sees me!

For those who still believe in a New Year's changing, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Bruno Albuquerque

01/01/2009

Dead Crazy!

2008-12-17T18:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I feel like dead crazy. I feel I will never own someone for my own, I feel I will die alone and that kinda things scares me. But I feel like lost, as I can not imagine my life nex to anyone, I can not imagine my life being shared with any other person. I ca not accept I really need anyone to share good things, to have someone to share my opinion and my visions with. I can not accept I will end up alone, so what's the point? What's the matter? Why do I feel so confused in this kinda stupid things? Why do I feel so confused about things?

Back to somewhere or to nowhere, I don't really know, what's the matter of feeling, if I can not do it right? Always sad and depressed and melancholic and happy and so many shits... Never in the same mood and it's not always good...

Maybe I can not realise and I am jst giving up... Giving up of my art. Giving up of my blogs (at least, the one in Portuguese). Giving up of everything.

Let's see what will come soon...

Going Crazy

2008-12-15T17:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I feel like trapped. I feel like I was sinking in a sea of madness. I feel like crazy right now, by the way.

I live in an apartment and I own one cat and, more recently, a little dog. Till the moment, all could be fine, if it wasn't the cat scratching the dog, the dog barking, pissing and shitting all over and my mother making some comments making me feel like guilty for all the shits involved in her life. I clean shit and piss, I try to raise the dog, to teach him, but he barks and bites me, like I was a huge bone. Sometimes, I feel like he was anger against me.

I feel like in a spiral of madness... Falling, falling... And it've been only the first two days of the dog in the house. I feel too tired to do anything else. I just can't wait to lay down and to sleep, to rest, for the next three hours, before going to my job to face 9 more hours of work. I feel like I was going to explode and to implode at the same time. I need freedom... I need music, like the one of Karunesh titled "For The Joy Of It All". I wish I was in a beach, with a fire, with lots of people playing some instruments, like djambés and other kinds of, for me to sing and dance around the fire. I really need freedom... I wish I was with a hot man in a jeep, being driven to the night, to a night like this, for my own pleasure and delight, for kissing, for sex, or just for a simple hug next to a fireplace somewhere. Even if it was only a simple hug, I would be so fine now. Only us, the night, the sea and the silence!

Needing... But really needing!

2008-12-13T17:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I feel like I was living a dream. And things could've been a dream if I have gotten a guy for my own, a guy I could make of him my slave! I need the idea of having a man surrended to me, kneeled at my feet, obeying my orders. But in the other hand, that man should be "BIG" enough, strong, someoe who hug me when I am inside one of my "existential" crisis. Oh, damn, I need t feel again, to unfreeze my inner!

I need to get that someone special, but I feel it's getting harder and harder, a I am not the kinda guy for anyone, becaue I have soe "feminine traces" when I move... Goth, I hate men, sometimes! But I love them and their dicks so much!

Tired...

2008-12-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

- Of being alone!

- Of feeling I need someone by my side!

- Of doing all wrong!

- Of sharing the same house with my mother!

- Of being like a slave in the job!

- Of having no self-life!

- Of my lack of imagination!

- Of so many shits...

I am just tired!

Loneliness

2008-12-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

Last night, it was supposed for me to go out, to have some fun in any disco or bar around, though I hate those kinda places. But I was wishing that, I was wishing to do something different. The only person I have said I was wishing to go out, said she couldn't, right up away, when it was missing a few hours for we to go out. Once again, I stood alone! Anyway, I pick the money up and gone to Lisbon, for dinner, as I wanted.

In Lisbon, I went to dinner and I found myself inside Armazéns do Chiado, having such a wonderful dinner of junk food, watching the MTV "Next" show and, sometimes, looking around, watching people. I wasn't the only lonely person inside that mall, but I was feeling so small. Everyone around was there to go out, to have fun and I was there just to breathe te air of the city, the air of the downtown... I should be with my friend, but she really couldn't. I should be happy, but my feelings wasn't able to allow me. I was feeling suffocated!

After dinning, I went out, to smoke a cigarette, to walk, to feel the cold breeze of the night in my hair, in my skin, in my flesh... Out there, going right up the street, people in groups, ready to their night out, some homeless and street artists were talking, one statue man was making some theater to the passing people, making laugh the homeless artists which was with him. That's something I love and hate about Lisbon; in one hand, I love to see the art from those amateurs artists, but I hate the fact that many of them sleep in the streets, with cold, rain, snow, exposed as pieces of flesh for the delight of the choice. I just kept walking, till I discover I was pretty far from where I came from. I saw the eléctrico (eletric car) with a few people inside... I saw groups passing by... I saw a gay couple kissing... I felt so lonely! Decided to go back, up the street, seing the same places, the same buildings, the same streets...

I caught the train back to Cacém and met my friend Jo, we went to drink coffee and I smoked weed, just to forget and laugh... I ended the night highed, sleepingin the couch and feeling lonely... I am with a lack of imagination, I am lost inside, with no words to describe many things... I am wordless to so many things, that in the end, I'll be ending with no voice at all..

2008-12-08T16:27:00.000-08:00

Nothing to say... Unless, I'm highed I wanna write something down, but my brains are just too fried to work something out to post down... Tomorrow, I might read this messageand discover that nothing really means anything out here or anywhere else, so if I get no visitators on my blog, it's not important... The important, is that I am just being myself, I am just letting my "nirvana state" flows around and feeling great with that!

GO FUCK YOURSELVES, NARROW MINDED PEOPLE, WHO WERE JUST TOO AFFRAID OF BREAKING LIMITS AND ARE NOW CRITICISING THE OTHERS FOR BREAKING THEIR OWN LIMITS, FOR MAKING RADICAL CHOICES AND BEING REBELS! F´GO FUCK YOURSLEVES, TOKIO HOTEL FANS WHO ARE SOOOO RADICAL AND REBEL CAUSE THEY GO HOME AT MIDNIGHT. GO FUCK YOURSELVES WHO FOLLOW A STLE JUST BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS THINK IT'S COOL! GO FUCK YOURSELF NO ORIGINAL OPINATED PEOPLE, WHO USE WHAT OTHERS DREAM OR SAY TO REACH A POINT OF LACK OF IMAGINATION! GO FUCK YOU ALL!!

*Zen* I'm feeling really zen right now, inside my "nirvana brained path", that makes me feel so light, I feel I'm in the clouds!

Goodnight!